In Memory of Me
by TheQueenofPassiveAggressiva
Summary: This is a journey through the recovery and self-discovery of a woman who has literally forgotten how to be herself. Trigger Warning: This story contains physical and sexual abuse, drug abuse and self harm. I wanted to write this story because I wanted to show people that it always gets better even when it doesn't seem like it.
1. Chapter One

**ATTN: Hey guys, so I have a feeling that some people won't like the story because it puts Derek in an awful position... I know it's really out of character for him seeing that he grew up with so many women. He should definitely be a woman-lover not a woman-beater but in this story, I reached deeper into his hatred of feeling inferior to his female counterparts. We, as a fandom, have witnessed this in both of his marriages with Addison and Meredith. I decided to use that as an inspiration for this story and dig a little deeper making him the man I needed for this story... I know I'm a little harsh with Derek's character but the story isn't really about him. It's about Addison and her journey through recovery... And in order for that to happen we need a bad guy... I apologize for exaggerating his character flaws but it was just needed for the storyline so please don't hate me too much guys. Again, I put a Trigger Warning on this story since it is a difficult read. This story is very close to my heart and if you have any suggestions, please suggest away. With that said, enjoy the story.**

 _"I was thinking I would keep waiting for life to get easier. You know, lower stakes, less risk, easier. And I was thinking, maybe it doesn't. Maybe the struggle, the climb, one obstacle after another... maybe that's just life." - Addison Montgomery_

 **Chapter 1: In Which Derek is Neither Loving Nor Dreamy**

It had been a long day at Mt. Sanai but it was relaxing and refreshing, well at least according to me. I had back-to-back-to-back surgeries all day and not once did I have to leave the OR. The patients just came to me and I'd love if every day could be like that. When I'm in surgery, I'm forced to forget about all my pain and the mess that is my life. The OR is the only place I feel completely at ease; I feel like it's the only time I get to be myself. It's the only time I don't constantly think about why my husband ignores me and never comes home; why he always sends his best friend home with excuses for important dates like birthdays, anniversaries and holidays. I heard some nurses gossiping about how he feels inferior to me in the workplace. It never dawned on me that he was jealous that I was better at my job than he was… and it's not like I am even trying. I'm just doing the thing that I love; giving little babies their chance at life. I can't dumb myself down for his ego... I just can't.

I pull up at our house and park. I can't wait to have myself a nice glass of wine. Instead when I walk in, I find, much to my surprise, my husband in the fridge.

"Hey honey," I say softly with a smile, "what are you doing here?"

"What? I can't come to my own home?" he says angrily.

"Der, you know that's not what I..."

"Oh just shut it," he says slamming the refrigerator door closed.

Usually when he'd get like this I would try to talk to him and find out what's wrong but I'm tired of always trying to make sure he's okay when he never does that for me. He rarely comes home to begin with so instead of talking to him, I just makes my way upstairs to our bedroom. Already have eaten dinner at the hospital, I change into one of Derek's big t-shirts and get ready for bed. Normally at this time, I'd be having myself a glass a wine while watching some 1950's romantic movie as I cry myself to sleep. Normally, Derek wouldn't be home... This is rare. After washing my make-up off, I go over to my dresser to look for some socks. Derek comes upstairs soon after and I guess seeing me bent over in his t-shirt turned him on because he walks over to me and starts kissing me on my neck. I'm growing infuriated... Although we haven't had sex in months, he decides this would be as good of a time as ever to have sex with his wife. I hate when he does this; this acting like everything's okay and he's done nothing wrong. Derek rarely comes home and when he is home he acts like I'm not even here. He finds everything else to do to not be in the same room with me. I'm upset and he should know. I'm not going to let him walk all over me. He tries to kiss me on my lips but I don't kiss him back. I don't even think he noticed because now he's going for my panties.

"Derek, stop." I say pushing his hand away.

"What the fuck, Addison?"

"I'm not having sex with you. You can't possibly walk around here acting like nothing's wrong. You haven't been home and when you are home, you ignore me! You ignore me at the hospital and at the practice too! What makes you think everything's just going to miraculously change tonight?" I pause and then I stress, "We haven't had sex in nearly eight months, Derek."

He looks at me and smirks then walks up to me whispering in my ear, "That's why we're having sex now."

He tugs at my underwear again and I push his hand away, "Seriously, Derek, no."

I see his hand come up and next thing I know, I'm on the floor crying and my face is stinging. I didn't even see it happen... Did he just hit me?

"Derek!" I scream in between sobs. I can't believe he just hit me. I get up off the floor wanting to kill him but instead I run towards the door. I'm trying to go somewhere and compose myself but before I know it, Derek has me pinned in a corner yelling at me. I can't even hear what he's saying over my tears. I watch in horror as his eyes grow infuriated. I've never seen him so angry before. He grabs me by my face and I cry out, "Derek, please, just leave me alone."

"Shut up!" He yells at me still holding onto my face, "Shut the fuck up and stop crying! Just stop, Addison!"

I try to stop crying but it's uncontrollable. Maybe I'm still in shock? I just can't believe he actually hit me.

"You're my wife. If I want to have sex with you, I will have sex with you," he takes me by the arm and basically slings me towards the bed. I trip over his shoes, that are in the middle of the floor, falling short and getting hit in the stomach by the bed frame.

Oh god, that's going to leave a bruise. He pulls me by the first thing he can grab onto which is my hair and throws me onto the bed. I can hear him taking off his shirt and unbuckling his belt.

I can't stop crying but somehow I manage to scream in between my sobs,"Please, Derek, just stop. I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry. Just stop."

"Addison, please don't make this worse. Just shut up," he says taking off his pants and underwear. He snatches off my underwear which rips them and literally shoves himself inside of me. I scream out in pain and it only makes him stroke harder as he pins me down by my neck, "I told you to just shut up."

After that, I try my hardest not to scream again but silent tears just trickle down my face. I can't believe this is happening. I can't believe this is Derek. This isn't right... I cry harder and harder until he's done. It felt like hours had gone by and I'd try to close my eyes and pretend I wasn't there but it didn't work. Instead, I just laid there... I couldn't even fight. I just laid there crying while every part of me just washed away. I disgust myself... I feel numb and I confirm that I actually am numb when Derek finishes then pushes me off the bed. I didn't feel it when I hit the ground.

"I'm going to shower and go back to the hospital," he looked me up and down then smirked, "You should really clean yourself up, Addison." He walked away and into the bathroom. I just sat there on the floor until he showered and left. I don't ever move from the floor.

I don't know how long I sat there but when I finally come to and get up off the floor I look at my phone seeing seven missed calls all from my bestfriend and its nearly five in the afternoon of the next day. I just put down my phone and go to the bathroom. I want to scrub every inch of him off of me. I start the shower and I take off his t-shirt carefully as I turn around to grab my towel but I see a glimpse of someone in the mirror. It takes a minute for me to realize that this is my reflection. I look like how I feel: dead. I step closer to the mirror and I can see the dark red bruises on the back of my neck and huge purple bruise on my stomach. You can even see his handprint on my face but it's faded some. Staring into the mirror, my reflection literally makes me sick. I run over to the toilet and throw up my insides.

I'm not sure how long it is before I finish emptying my insides and get into the shower but I'm in there for at least two hours. I scrubbed my body over and over again until every inch of my skin was burning and red. I tried to wash everything that just happened to me away but I was unsuccessful. The memories are still there… The bruises are still here, too… At least I can't feel the pain I'm in. When I finally come out the shower, I see that it's nearly eight thirty. I decide to get dressed into a sweater and some leggings.

I hear a knock at my door and it scares me at first but I know it's not Derek because he would've just came inside. When the knocking doesn't stop, I go and open up the door revealing my best friend, Savannah. I try to smile at my friend but smiling seems so foreign to me. She notices immediately something's wrong but tries to beat around it.

"Hey, what's going on? You didn't show up to work today and didn't answer any of my calls. I figured that maybe you were sick and slept in all day so I stopped by with soup and saltines," she waves the crackers and the already made soup. I invite her in and shut the door behind her. Savannah puts the food down on the counter then looks at me funny and questions, "Addison, are you okay?"

It's the first time I've heard my name since last night when he attacked me and it just takes me back to that moment. I nod to answer her because words seem to escape me right now. Savannah looks at me and I feel uneasy; almost faint. "Addie, honey, you're not okay," she walks up to me and takes me by the arms. It makes me jump and that startles her, "Oh, love, what's going on?"

We walk back to my bedroom and have a seat on my bed. "Honey, you're starting to scare me now. I admit I was worried when you wouldn't answer my calls but now I'm really scared. Please talk to me."

"I-," I choke out and then all of a sudden another round of tears spill out. I didn't think I had any tears left as much as I cried. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"Ssh, stop crying sweetie," she holds me in her arms. "Why are you apologizing? You didn't do anything wrong."

"I did," I cry, "I really did."

"Love, what do you mean?" she pulls me up to look me in my eyes.

I hate when she does this. When she looks me in the eyes like this, it makes me tell her every secret I've ever kept in my life. It just makes me cry harder. It's then that she notices the back of my neck. Her eyes grow wide as she moves my hair over to the side to get a better look. She gasps and then cries out, "Addison!"

The yelling of my name freaks me out and I close my eyes then the memories come rushing back. When I finally find the words they just rush out, "Derek, I made him mad. I didn't mean too. I was just trying to talk. He wanted to have sex with me after he hadn't been home in months. I told him 'no' and said that he can't just walk around and act like nothing's wrong. He tried getting me to have sex with him again and I pushed him away. He got so angry, Savvi." I cry even harder as I try to continue, "I'd never seen him so angry… He hit me and when I tried to leave he- he pushed me into the bed and then... he... then... he raped me."

"Addie..." I look up to see Savannah in tears and it only makes me cry harder.

"I'm sorry, Savvi."

"No, Addie, love, I'm sorry." She hugs on a little too tight to me and it hurts my stomach from the huge bruise on it. Savannah notices and immediately lifts up my shirt. The sight makes her cry even harder, "We're getting out of here right now."

She gets up, grabs one of my oversized suitcases and starts throwing all of my clothes and shoes into it. I just sit there crying. Talking about it brought back all the pain that I felt when it was happening. The memory is still so vivid seeing that it only happened last night. I want to forget. I need to forget.

I don't know how long later it is when Savannah taps me on the shoulder. I look up to see her with two big suitcases and her hand extended out to me. "Come on, sweetie. I'm going to make sure you're safe."

It's a pretty quiet trip. I've been staring out my window this whole time. I feel like I'll start crying again if I look at my best friend. I haven't said a word since I told her what happened. I don't know how long we've been driving for but when I look up I realize we're on a highway. We don't need to take the highway to get to Savanah's. She and Weiss live down the street from me and Derek so I know we're not going there. I finally look over to her and see her staring hard at the road. She looks at me for a second and smiles softly before turning back to the road.

"You're probably wondering where we're going but um, you see," she says glancing over at me before looking back to the road, "I don't know yet. I want to get you as far away from Derek as possible while trying not to alarm everyone but I don't know how that's going to work. I was thinking maybe we could go to L.A. for a little bit... visit Naomi, hang out on the beach and maybe get our plans together but then I'd have to call Weiss and I can't make any promises that Weiss wouldn't try to kill Derek."

I just stare at her blankly. I'm not even sure I heard anything she said. I'm so out of it. I don't feel anything anymore and honestly, I couldn't care less about what happens to Derek. I just never want to see him again. I shrug my shoulders and I turn back to look out my window.

"What are you saying? Is that what you want me to do?" She pauses I guess waiting for me to say something but I don't have anything to say. I don't even have any thoughts. My mind is completely blank and I numb again. "Addie, love, please talk to me."

When I still don't respond, it seems as though she's gone ahead and made a decision because she stops trying to ask me. In about another 30 minutes, we pull up at the airport and grab both of my suitcases. I noticed that Savannah has nothing but her emergency overnight bad for just in case she fell asleep at my place and got called in work the next morning. It's nice that she's here for me in this moment but I feel like I need to be alone; I need to recollect myself because right now I just feel lost and I'm not sure I even want to be found.

The flight to L.A. was 6 hours long and it was pretty quiet I think. I was totally zoned out in my world of nothingness but it was late at night when we boarded the plane so I'm assuming it was quiet. Savannah was asleep the whole ride there and me... I just sat there staring blankly out the window feeling nothing... Thinking nothing. I am blank... inside and out. I don't know how to be Addison anymore. Even hearing my name haunts me... What am I doing? I don't know if I can live like this much longer.

Savannah is calling a cab when I finally come back to reality. She looks at me and smiles lovingly then holds my hand. It's slightly comforting but at the same time I don't want to be touched. I don't say anything though... When a cab comes to a stop in front of us, the driver gets out and helps us get my luggage into the trunk. We get into the back and Savannah gives him the address to Naomi's house. I look at my phone for the first time since we left and I see that it's four fifty seven in the morning. I don't even think Naomi's awake this early. It's still dark out.

It's not long before we arrive outside of Naomi's house. Savannah pays the tab and we get my suitcases out of the trunk then the cab takes off down the street. We walk up to Naomi's door and Savannah knocks. It takes a minute before Naomi comes to the door with sleep still in her eyes and she still in her nightgown. She smiles at us and hugs us both before letting us inside. She closes the door and we follow her into the living room.

"Not that I'm not happy to see my two favorite ladies, but what are you guys doing here? Especially this early in the morning," she yawns. "I didn't know you two were coming. Do you have somewhere to stay? I have two guest rooms that you are welcome to stay in. Oh, Maya's going to be so excited to you both of you."

When neither of us answers her question, she instantly knows there's something bigger going on. She shifts, "Guys, what's going on?"

Savannah looks at me and I start getting that uneasy feeling again. Naomi looks from Savannah to me and I shift uncomfortably while closing my eyes. I can't go through this again. I don't want to remember it and to do that, I can't keep talking about it.

"Addison?" Naomi asks.

"Please stop calling me that," I say a little harsher than intended. Naomi and Savannah look at me shocked. Honestly, I'm a little shocked myself. "I'm sorry. I'm just... I..."

Savannah holds my hand and looks at me, "Sweetheart, you can do this. You have to. I wish I could do it for you but I can't. This is your story. You can choose to let it all go now. Your best friends are here. You are safe, love."

I shake my head at her words. I don't want to speak. I don't want to talk about it. She can't make me do this. I won't allow it, "I- I can't. I don't want to talk about."

"Addis-" Naomi starts but I cut her off.

"Stop! Please," I scream, "don't call me that."

"Addie, what's going on?"

"Whenever you say my name, it just reminds of Derek's yelling."

"You and Derek are fighting?" Naomi asks and wondering why we're here she continues, "Oh my god! Did he hit you?"

I can't look at her. I stare at the floor and I nod. I hear her gasp and run towards me. She engulfs me in a hug and it hurts my stomach. She pulls back and looks at me seeing the pain on my face, "Oh, I'm sorry. Am I hurting you? Where does it hurt?"

I lift up my shirt and I watch Naomi's face turn horrid, "Oh my god. Addie, you need to go to the hospital. You could have some broken ribs."

I shake my head and I look down to the floor. She puts her hand down on my legs and it makes me flinch. She takes her hand back quickly then looks at me in the eyes, "Addie," she begins to cry, "did he do something else?"

"He... He," I try to say what he did to me but the word literally won't come out. I look back at the ground. I can't say it.

"Oh, honey, you don't have to say it," Naomi says and finally I can breathe again. She grabs my hand and squeezes it, "Addis- Sorry, Addie, you are so strong. I'm so sorry that this happened to you. I'm about to go to New York and kill Derek."

"I don't think that would be wise at this moment, Na. That's why we came here. We're trying to figure out what our next plan is," Savannah speaks up.

"You should've gone to the police. He's not getting away with this," Naomi says as she walks towards the kitchen and Savannah follows.

"That's still an option. It's just," Savannah gets a little quieter but I can still hear her, "Addie, she won't talk to anyone. She barely talks to me. This is the first time I've heard her speak since she told me what happened last night. She's different, Naomi. This has changed her so much already. Imagine what toll it's going to take on her in the long run. I'm scared for her."

Naomi grabs a pot of coffee, I guess off the maker, and pours three cups. Savannah grabs her cup and Naomi walks over to me and hands me a cup. She looks at me and smiles softly as she wipes her eyes, "Addie, what can I do? What do you need?"

I don't know what I need. I probably need to drink or take some pill that would put me to sleep. I haven't slept since the night before he assaulted me. So that makes this day three... Honestly, I just need to forget everything that happened then I'll be fine. Is there something I can take for that? I look at the mug she placed in my hand and I feel like it should be steaming hot on my skin but I feel nothing. I realized then that I couldn't cry anymore. I'm emotionally drained and dehydrated. I look up at Naomi, "I need to lay down."


	2. Chapter Two

_**"** How is love not enough?" - Addison Montgomery_

 **Chapter 2: The Calm Before The Storm**

I've just been laying here alone in the dark but they think I've been sleeping. I want to be me again... I do... but at the same time I rather not fight. It can't be long until I wither away. It's noon now. Naomi called off work to be here for me and honestly, I wish she would have just gone in and taken Savannah with her. They keep popping in to check on me… I find it rather annoying. They don't know I'm awake and know they've been watching over me. I know they mean well but it's uncomfortable and makes me feel childish. When really, all I want is to just be alone right now. I guess they'll never know if I don't tell them but I haven't been able to force the words out of me yet.

I hear the door opening and I shut my eyes really quickly… I can tell it's Savannah by the way her footsteps sound on the floor. She doesn't even have to speak. I know both of them by the sounds of their footsteps because of how many times they crept in to check on me. It's insane. Savannah walks further into the room and comes around to the side I'm laying on.

"Addie?" she questions and I keep my eyes shut. "Addie…" she sighs, "I know you're not asleep. You haven't been this entire time, I only didn't say anything for Naomi's sake. She thinks you're handling all of this fine."

What does any of this have to do with Naomi? She's not the one who was assaulted by her own fucking husband… I open up my eyes to see her sitting on the floor looking up to me smiling softly.

"Hey love," she brushes some hair out of my face, "Naomi made a late breakfast. We know it's your favorite meal of the day. I know you must be hungry."

I just stare at her. I don't want to eat. I don't want to move. I just want to lay here until my outside washes away like my insides.

"Addie," she says after a long silence of me not complying, "please? For me? I need you to stay healthy, love."

I don't care what she needs. I'm only caring about what I need at this moment and what I need is to be alone. I want to tell her this but words don't seem to be my thing anymore.

"Addie, can you at least talk to me?" She cries, "I've never done this before… I want to do everything I can to help you but I can't do that if you don't tell me what you need of me."

'I need you to give me my space!' I want to scream at her but the only screaming done in that moment is in my head.

We stare at each other for another moment when it seems as though she decides to try a different approach, "Okay… How about we go shopping? I only brought one change of clothes and I know you're always a sucker for cute shoes… even when you're sad."

This only upsets me more. I understand she's trying to help but if she really thinks shopping is going to make me feel better about being sexually assaulted then I'm truly offended.

"We could get all dressed up with makeup and heels… Maybe get a drink? Walk along the beach? That way we can get you out of this dark room," she says looking around the room. "How about that, love?"

I know she's just trying to help but she really isn't helping… I just want to be alone for a bit without being checked in on every other second. If I say 'yes' would that make her go away for the time being? Give me some space? And I don't know, maybe getting a drink isn't that bad of an idea… Maybe if I drink enough, I could forget all of this. I finally comply and nod my head.

She smiles hopefully and hugs me carefully not to hurt me but it's not like I can feel if she did anyway. I guess I rather feel nothing than what I was feeling before.

Savannah gets up to leave but turns around at the door and says, "I guess we'll be ready to head out in about an hour. I'll have Naomi leave breakfast out until then just in case you want to eat, okay? I love you, Addie."

When she finally leaves the room, I find myself letting out a breath that I didn't even know I was holding. I lay there for a few more minutes before deciding to get up and maybe take a bath. I'm trying to think of a way to relax my mind and body so I can at least feel a little human again. Savannah was right though. Normal me would drop anything for a shopping spree… It didn't matter the occasion either… A vacation, someone dying or just another day, shopping always made me feel better but now, I don't even know how to feel anymore. I don't know how it seems so foreign so fast. It was only two days ago that my life changed drastically... This whole numb thing is starting to get a little scary.

After my failed attempt to relax in the tub, I get out after twenty minutes. I still don't feel clean and I don't think I ever will. Not after that night… The way he just threw himself into me… Ugh, the thought makes my body tremble. That one moment, changed my entire life and nothing will ever be the same.

I straightened my hair, caked my face in makeup and looking at myself now, at least my face looks alive… My eyes still seem pretty dead to me. It's probably because I still feel dead on the inside. Maybe I should have just died that night… Then I wouldn't be suffering now. Or maybe I did die that night which is why I'm technically not suffering now... but I don't know if the numbness is a curse or a blessing.

I get dressed in my short black long sleeved lace cashmere body con dress and some black heels. I grab my over-sized purse and I stare at myself in the mirror once again. I don't know this person staring back at me and it scares me. I quickly walk away and make my way downstairs. Savannah and Naomi are dressed and in the kitchen. It doesn't seem like they've noticed me yet but I overhear them talking.

"I called Weiss," Savannah starts, "I told them we we're in Santa Monica but I didn't exactly tell him why. I just told him it was an emergency and asked him to inform the practice and the hospital of our sudden absence. I didn't tell him about Derek. I don't think it's my place."

I walk into the kitchen making myself known and they both look towards me smiling.

"Hey," Naomi starts, "how'd you sleep?"

'I didn't sleep but I guess Savannah really is keeping you out of the loop,' I think but don't speak. Why can't I speak? I don't know so I simply just shrug and Naomi smiles sadly.

"Well, are you guys ready to go?" Savannah asks trying to move the conversation along.

"Yeah," Naomi answers then looks to me, "Are you sure you don't want anything to eat, Addie?"

I nod and walk towards the front following Savannah and followed by Naomi. We're out the door and in the car within seconds then we're off down the street. We're only in the car for about ten minutes before we pull up to their outdoor mall, _Santa Monica Place_.

I try to participate and be normal by shopping but I'm not as enthusiastic as I'd like to be. At the end of our little mall trip, I manage to buy two tops, some pants, a skirt, two pairs of Jimmy Choo's and three dresses… all black. This is nothing compared to my shopping trips. I'd usually come out with no less than ten bags full of clothes.

When we leave the mall, it's nearly seven and Naomi suggests we go to a restaurant bar on the pier that way we can have dinner and drinks. We put our bags in the car and walk across the street to the pier and we have three choices of restaurants. They choose the Italian focused place for me knowing that Italian is one of my favorite food genres. The restaurant is called _Ristorante Al Mare_ and they have a rooftop bar which is honestly where I want to head straight to but instead we sit down at a table.

I think they're expecting me to order something but I'm not hungry. I just stare blankly at the menu.

"Addie, honey, do you see anything you like?" Naomi asks me.

She's talking to me like I'm her kid… I'm not Maya. I'm not twelve. I just stare at her… Savannah looks at me nervously and shifts in her seat then looks at Naomi.

"I don't think she's really hungry, Naomi. I mean, she didn't want breakfast either. We can't force her to do anything she doesn't want to do so stop patronizing her."

I'm taken aback. I didn't realize Savannah could be that insightful. She took everything that I wanted to say and said it for me. I'm truly grateful. When the waitress comes over to take our orders, she starts with Naomi and then Savannah. When it's my turn, both of them stare at me nervously.

"Um, I'd like an Insalata di Cavolini and for my drink, I'd like the strongest thing you have," I say simply. I ordered a salad... When I look back to Naomi and Savannah, they're staring at me stunned. I guess they weren't expecting me to speak and I guess I really didn't either.

We sit there, them talking and me, well, I'm just staring. Maybe I'd actually join in if they weren't talking about pointless things like our trip to the mall and something one of them was dying to buy but they didn't have any left in their size. I wasn't interested in this conversation. When the waiter comes back with our drinks, he tells me that I have what they call a _Chocolate Bliss_. It's mixed with four different liquors so it should do for now.

By the end of our dinner, I've had a _Caramel Apple_ , a _Saint Suzanne_ , and their signature drink the _Al Mare_. My friends were staring at me questionably for the longest but after awhile, they hoped on the bandwagon. Savannah ordered their _Espresso Martini_ and I swear it tasted so good. Naomi got a _French Kiss_ and that was delicious as well. We decide to go up to the rooftop bar and see what other drinks there were that we have yet to try.

The bar was like a completely different place than the restaurant. The music's loud and they're playing one of California's sports team on TV. We looked for an empty table and found one over near this group of five. They looked like tourists… You can tell easily because California has it's own sense of style… But it didn't matter. They seemed to be having a hell of a time. They looked young and happy… They look like us ten years ago... The three of us against the world... I miss those days.

Once we sat down, a hostess walks over to us to see if we wanted drinks. After a quick look at the drink menu, I speak up but my voice is slurred, "I'ddd like… to have one of those! Those ummm, _Jalapeño Margaritas_."

Naomi ordered a _Washington Apple_ and a _Raspberry Lemon Drop_ while Savannah ordered a _Melograno_ and a _Hpnotini_. I'm not sure why they ordered two… I guess they're trying to catch up with me. The hostess is back in a few minutes with our drinks and I smile and clap, "Now we've officially ordered every drink off the menu!"

Maybe I've had too much to drink but whatever this is, I don't want it to go away. I feel goooood. I should drown my sorrows in liquor more often. After tasting all the drinks at our table, I gladly announce, "I sweaaaar, this place has the best drinks!"

"Yeah, you're so right," Savannah says standing up, "Anyone of you want to dance with me?"

I might be drunk but I'm not drunk enough to willingly embarrass myself on the dance floor. Thankfully, Naomi gets up and the two of them run off towards the dance floor. I find myself alone at the table with five unfinished drinks.

I'm watching Naomi and Savannah make a fool of themselves as someone walks over to my table.

"You're drinking all of these by yourself?" I look up to see a light brownish-blonde woman with these huge green eyes staring down at me.

She makes me blush… I don't know why. I haven't had a crush on a woman since college. I giggle, "Oh. no. These are me and my friends' but they went to dance. We were trying all the drinks on the menu."

"Ah, you see," she motions at the chair, "May I sit?" I nod telling her yes as she sits down and continues, "This may sound weird… Oh gosh, I hope this doesn't come across as too weird but um, I knew these weren't all your drinks. I saw you and your friends come in earlier and I've been wanting to talk to you since but I just didn't have the nerve. My friends' forced me to come over here since I wouldn't do it on my own."

She motions towards the remaining four people from the table near us and they all wave which makes her blush and me laugh.

"I'm Meredith by the way and you're fucking gorgeous," she runs her hand through her hair, "I'd offer to buy you a drink but it looks like you have all of them already plus I'm more a shot person… Tequila to be exact."

"Then Tequila shots it is," I say simply. I'm going to be sick in the morning but I don't care. At least I can feel something for the time being instead of just being numb.

Meredith comes over with a round of Tequila shots and we just start talking and laughing. Before you know it, an hour or two into the night, we had everyone at one table and we're all laughing and enjoying each others' company.

At the end of the night, we're the last ones in the bar. Not wanting the night to end, all eight of us go down to the beach. By this time, I've learned that Meredith and her friends are from Washington and they're interns at Seattle Grace Hospital. Apparently, my old mentor, Richard Webber, who is Chief of Surgery there, is like a second father to Meredith. It's crazy how small this world is.

Everyone's talking and laughing ahead while Meredith and I follow closely behind but far enough for us to have our own private conversation.

"Okay, I realized that I've told you almost everything about me and have yet to get your name," she says holding onto my arm as we walk.

"Oh my gosh, I didn't even realize I never told you my name. It's Addison," I say surprisingly easily. I almost forgot the horrors attached to my name but the moment I said it, the memories came rushing back. I close my eyes and I take a deep breath. I'm starting to feel uneasy again.

"That's all I get?" She asks smiling up at me bringing me back to the present. I stand about three inches taller than her without shoes on.

"Well, what do you wanna know?" I smile lovingly back. It's been awhile since anyone has taken genuine interest in me. I'm sure my own husband doesn't know my favorite color.

"Oh, I don't know… Everything. Where you're from… You're favorite color… Favorite food… Favorite show growing up… Or were you a reader? Your favorite book? Did you play any sports back in school?"

"Wow," I laugh running my free hand throw my hair, "you really do want to know everything."

"Um, hum," she says, "I've got to know everything about my potential girlfri-."

She stops short and I look down at her to see her blushing before she starts up again, "Sorry… We just met and my drunken self is already planning our life together. I really hope I don't run you away."

I just laugh and she looks up at me with a smirk, "I really like you, Meredith. I'd love to be your girlfriend one day but I don't even live in Seattle or anywhere close really. I'm from New York."

She pouts and I realize it's because I've still only given her two pieces of information about me. My grin grows wider and I start up finally, "I'm a surgeon… An attending at Mt. Sanai in New York and I have my own practice where my older brother also works. I was raised in Connecticut. My favorite color is red, favorite food… I love Thai. I didn't have a favorite show growing up… I got lost in books instead. I didn't play any sports. In highschool, I was a band geek with braces and a lisp."

"No way," she chimes in and I laugh nodding, "but look at you now. You couldn't have been. You're stunning."

"Oh, I was soo not stunning back in high school. No one noticed me really until college…" I say and I think about what I said. The only person to actually admit to noticing me back then was Derek... It's crazy how the tables have turned. I look up to see we're getting a little further away from the group with each step.

"I'm sure I would've noticed you… I don't see how anyone could not. When you walked through the door at the bar, I swear the world stopped just to let you walk in," I'm gazing into her eyes as she speaks. She adorably animated as she continues on, "I swear all eyes fell on you. You're quite intimidating you know. It took me all night to work up the courage to talk to you."

In that moment, I don't know what came over me but I make the first move. I lean in for a kiss and she doesn't stop me. The kiss lasts for minutes but it felt like a lifetime to me. I've never felt like this before… Not even with Derek back when we we're still happy.

"How long are you going to be in L.A.?" Meredith asks when we finally break apart.

"Oh, I don't know. I'm staying at my friend's house so I don't really have a set time."

We hear shouting and people running when we look up to see the group running back. They're ready to head out but they walked here and we drove so we're going opposite directions when we part.

"It seems as though our time is up," I frown down to her.

"It doesn't have to be. Here," she says writing on a little torn off piece of paper she had in her pocket, "take my number. Maybe we can hang out tomorrow… And maybe this time sober." She jokes, "You may not like me sober."

Her friends tug her away and she looks back to me and waves, "Goodbye, Addison!"

I like my name when she says it… "Goodbye, Meredith."

I had almost forgotten how horrible my life was in that moment but the moment she left, I could feel it creeping back up to haunt me. I'd say she was a good distraction but she was more than a distraction… I feel like I may have fallen in love but it could just be the liquor talking.

When we make it back to Naomi's car, I lay out across the back seat. I'm starting to feel a little sick but I choose to ignore it, "Naomi! Do you have anymore to drink at your house?"

"Addie, I don't know if you need anymore to drink…" she answers.

I sit up fast causing my head to spin, "What do you mean? I'm a grown woman. I know my limits… And I know I haven't reached them yet and would like some more to drink. It's not like I'm asking you to stay up and drink with me."

"Just give her what she wants, Naomi," Savannah says and it makes me remember something else that I want. Something I know will make me feel better and help me sleep.

"Speaking of," I smile nearly falling back over, "I want to go into the practice with you tomorrow."

"Oh, why?" Naomi asks.

"Because," I couldn't think of a lie fast enough but I couldn't say it was so I could use her prescription pad, "I want to."

"Oooookay," she says as we pull into her driveway.

The moment I step out the car, I feel woozy. "Guys, I don't feel so good."

"Oh, Addie," Savannah steps over close to me, "you think you can make it to the toilet."

Naomi gets the door open and I literally run inside to the nearest bathroom then I empty the contents of my stomach into the toilet. When I'm finished, I walk back into the kitchen to find my friends and I smile and laugh really loudly… "Okay, now I'm ready for that drink."

"Addie, no," Naomi says taking me in her arms to stop me from going to her liquor cabinet.

"No?" I question her and then I start getting angry, "No! You can't tell me no!"

"I'm only doing this to help you, Addie," she stressed.

"What?" I say taken aback, "You don't know what the first step is to helping me! If you did, you wouldn't force food down my throat by making me go out to a restaurant where I literally had no choice but to order food! You wouldn't have left me alone in a dark room for seven fucking hours while I thought of ways to end my life! If that is what you call trying to help me, then… then just stop! If you want to help me, Naomi…" I say taking a breath and calming down because I really didn't mean to explode, "then hand me the bottle."

I hold out my hand and Naomi just stands there staring at me. A second later, a crying Savannah is putting a bottle of rum into my hand and I see Naomi get mad turning to look at her, "Saavi really?"

"I'm sorry, Na. I just couldn't see her hurt and upset. If drinking makes her feel better and gets her talking again then so be it. I won't sit around and let my best friend be in pain."

I just take it from the bottle and I don't even bother to get a glass. Naomi looks at me, rolls her eyes and leaves to go upstairs. Now it's just me and Savannah. I sip out the bottle as I watch she pulls two glasses out of the cabinet and some juice out of the fridge then smiles, "You want to watch a movie or something?"


	3. Chapter Three

_**"** Life is hard. It's hard and scary and out of my control. That's the part that makes me the craziest - the fact that I cannot control the world or what happens to the people I love." - Addison Montgomery_

 **Chapter 3: To The Point of No Return**

I'd say I was hungover this morning if I could've actually slept... Savannah and I stayed up all night watching movies and it looks like we finished the bottle too. I don't know when Savannah fell asleep but I know after that, I stayed up until the end of the last movie. When it was over, I just stayed up thinking. I've decided on my next move. I thought about going to my parents but they would freak and probably call me weak or something. They'll probably tell me that this was my fault but I know it's not. I have a right to deny sex whether it's with my husband or a stranger. It's my body and no one can force someone to have sex. When that happens… it's no longer sex, it's rape.

With that in mind, I decided that I'm not going to go to the cops because I don't want Derek's reputation to be ruined. He wronged me but he was my husband for years before that. I do want a divorce though. I refuse to be mistreated, neglected and abused. I won't do it, I can't. I wouldn't be able to live with myself… I can barely live with myself now after this one incident.

I still don't believe that was Derek… it couldn't have been the man I married but I do know that I don't want to stick around to find out. As soon as I get back to New York, I'm packing up all of my things and I'm leaving. I don't know where I'll go but it wouldn't be hard for me to find some place to stay. Maybe I'll stay in a hotel until I find a place I'd like to stay in permanently… I'm going to move on with my life. I know it won't be easy but I have to try. I can't stand the numbness.

I hear movement coming from upstairs and I get up from the couch to go see if it's Naomi. I wanted to apologize for my actions last night. I really didn't mean to explode like that. When I make it up to Naomi's room, I find her looking for some clothes to wear to work today. When she notices me standing there, I smile softly and walk further into the room.

"Na, I came up here because I want to apologize for last night. I'm sorry for the outburst. I just freaked out a little bit and I took it out on you which wasn't fair. I know you were just trying to help," I look up to see her smiling softly.

"I know, Addie. I'm sorry too. I was being a little condescending… I'm your friend not your mother and I shouldn't have overreacted," she comes up to me and hugs me, "I just want to make sure you're okay, Addie. I don't want you to hurt yourself. I want you to come out of this strong. You're my best friend and I can't lose you, okay?"

I look sadly at her… I don't have any confidence that I'll come out stronger after this or if I'll make it at all but I am going to try.

"Na, I'm fine. I know last night I went a little crazy with the drinking but I honestly think the worst is over," I lie just to continue to spare her feelings, "I feel a lot better."

"Good," she nods and continues getting ready for her day, "good. Are you still planning on coming into work with me? Was Savannah trying to as well?"

"I'll go ask her but yeah, I am," I say and she nods as I make my way back downstairs to the living room to wake up our friend.

"Sav," I say shaking her, "Saavi. Wake up. Naomi wants to know if you want to go to work with her. I'm going."

"Humm," she says softly as she starts waking up. When she opens up her eyes, she smiles at me before starting, "Hey, what did you say?"

"Naomi was just wondering if you wanted to come into the practice with her today as well. I'm going."

"No," she says yawning as she lays back down, "I'm going to get some more sleep in but if I wake up and you guys are still there, I'll catch a cab over."

"Okay," I say as she closes her eyes again. I'm make my way upstairs to the room I was 'sleeping' in to take a much needed shower. When I take off my clothes and underwear, a little sheet of paper falls out when I take off my bra. I pick it up to see a phone number on it…

Oh, Meredith. She wanted to hang out today… Maybe I'll call her and invite her to lunch. For now, I'm going to take a nice long shower...

I've given up on ever feeling clean again. It doesn't matter how hard, how long or how many times I scrub, I will always feel dirty. I look down at my skin and I'm red all over. The bruise on my stomach is still purple but it looks like it's trying to heal. I guess it's time to stop.

I step out of the shower and I don't even bother looking at myself in the mirror. I want to see as less as possible of that person.

I get dressed in one of my new little black dresses then I curl my hair. I've been considering cutting it. Maybe not all off, just a little shorter. I saw this cut that I'd love: right above my shoulders. It'll give me a more sophisticated look… Hopefully it'll help me become more of myself again.

I proceed to do my makeup then join Naomi downstairs. She's just finishing packing up her lunch so I wait at the door for her. Within minutes, we're in the car and on the way to her practice. I notice the practice is right across the street from St. Ambrose Hospital. I make note to ask Naomi later if she knows anyone over there who works there. I'm thinking about moving to L.A. when the divorce is finalized. Maybe I could work at the hospital across the street from my friends' practice and we could have lunch and coffee dates. I could live on the beach. It would be nice.

When we get inside, Naomi gives me a quick tour of the place and introduces me to the rest of the staff. She shows me her office and tells me mthat I can hang out here while she sees a patient. The moment the leaves, I start looking for her prescription pad. It was surprisingly easy to find in the drawer in her desk. I grab a few sheets off and write myself a prescription for Xanax to help me sleep and one for OxyContin for everything else.

I put her pad back where I found it and I take out my phone to text Meredith. I ask her if she has lunch plans and within a few seconds of sending it, she replies with a 'no'. I invite her out to lunch but I tell her she can choose the place since it's only my second day in Santa Monica. She offers to pick me up and I send her the address to where I am.

Twenty minutes later, Meredith is texting me saying she's outside. Since Naomi isn't back yet, I write her a note saying that I've gone to lunch and would bring her something back. I rush to the elevator and I take it down to the first floor then I make my way outside. I find Meredith standing outside of her car in the parking lot.

"Hey," she says smiling noticing me. We hug and then she locks the car. "When you sent me the address, I remembered coming over here our first night on vacation. George had an allergic reaction to some food that we had on the road so we took him to St. Ambrose. While we waited, we had lunch over here at one of these restaurants. I thought maybe we could have lunch somewhere over here."

"Sounds great to me," I smile and I watch her cheeks turn red. I chuckle, "Are you blushing?"

"No," she says quickly hiding her face, "it's just that… I didn't realize that you could be even more beautiful than I thought last night."

"Meredith, you better stop talking like that," I say as we start walking down the street.

"Oh yeah? Why?" she says a little more confident.

"You keep talking like that and I may have to move to Seattle," I joke. I never actually had much thought about that. What if I did move to Seattle? Do I really want to jump into another relationship right after divorcing Derek?

When I notice Meredith doesn't speak up, I look over at her to see her blushing again and it just warms my heart. She just makes me feel good and more like myself again which is crazy since I only met her last night when I was drunk.

"Oh," she says suddenly and stops me, "this is it." I didn't realized we had walked this far. She holds open the door for me and I head inside before her.

The waiter spots us and smiles, "Good afternoon… Would you lovely ladies like a seat at the bar, a table or a booth?"

Meredith and I both looked at each other then back to the waiter and at the same time we both say, "Booth."

We all laugh as we follow the waiter over to our booth. Meredith and I sit across from each other but I wish we we're sitting beside each other. I don't know what it is but I feel safe around her. I feel comfortable enough to try to be myself again. I watch her as she thanks the waiter and orders some waters for the both of us. When he leaves, she starts going through the menu. Everything she does is so graceful and swift. She has the hands for a great surgeon… I was about to tell her that when she looks up at me blushing.

"What? Do I have something on my face?" she blushes and hides her face.

"No, no, you're perfect. I mean, your face, it's perfect… I mean," she cuts me off with her laughter. I swear I could listen to her laugh all day.

"Well, did you see anything you wanted to order?" she asks me as I realize I never opened my menu.

"You've been here before right?" I ask and she nods her head. I smile, "Okay, then you order for me."

"Fine, but if you don't like it then it's not my fault," she says as the waiter walks up with our waters. Meredith orders for the both of us and the waiter takes up our menus before he walks away.

"Look," Meredith says and I look over her way, "I know we just met and all… but I'd like to continue pursuing this, whatever it is, even after L.A. I don't want this to be a vacation fling. I'd actually really love to get to know you because I already love everything I know about you now."

I blush and I look down at my feet. I want to continue this too. I do but I don't know if I want to jump into another relationship… and I don't know how to do long distance. Derek ignoring me by staying at work or at home to avoid me was enough I could take. I couldn't do a whole other state away… I'm about to speak up when the waiter comes back with bread. Meredith thanks him then he walks away and she looks back at me.

"I know you're going to complain about the distance but that's okay. I can come visit whenever I have breaks from the hospital and if we decide to officially become a couple then I don't know, after my internship, who knows, I could move to New York," she says smiling softly trying to figure out what I'm going to say.

"That's-," I start as the waiter comes back and asks if we need anything. He literally just came over here… He walks away and I roll my eyes, "I swear everytime I'm about to say something he walks over."

Meredith chuckles and I smile softly then speak up again, "Meredith, there's something I need to tell you."

"Oh gosh, don't tell me you're actually a man… I mean, I'd probably still date you though." Meredith says to me with a smile as she laughs.

"Trust me, I'm not a man," I laugh shortly then I look at her sadly.

"Oh no," she says covering her mouth, "I knew you were too good to be true… You're married aren't you?"

I was about to tell my side when the waiter walks up with our food. I swear this man has the worst timing ever. Oh my god, she's going to hate me when I tell her. I'm going to have to tell her the whole story. I don't know if I can.

The waiter leaves the booth and Meredith is staring at me waiting for me to say something. I swallow hard, "I am married."

The moment I say this, Meredith gets up from the table. I grab her hand before she could walk away, "Please, don't leave. It's not as bad as you think… Please let me tell you the whole story."

She sits back down and folds her arms up across her chest. She looks furious and says nothing as she waits for me to continue.

"I'm getting a divorce. We're separated. Our marriage has been going down the drain for a while now. He never came home and although we worked together, he ignored me there too. One night, I had enough," I pause because all the memories came crashing back again. I need something to make them go away. I start rambling now. I'm talking so fast that I'm not even sure if I'm keeping up, "A few days ago actually… I… um, he, well, he came home for once but he wanted to have sex and it upset me seeing that he thought that he could just act like nothing was wrong." I could feel tears welling up in my eyes and I didn't want to continue, "I told him I was upset and he just ignored it. He… I… I can't do this here."

I wipe my face to stop the tears from falling as Meredith realizes what's going on. She comes over to my side of the booth and just hugs me. "How about I get some to-go boxes and we go for a walk through the park; talk a little bit?"

Meredith pays for the meal and we get our food in to-go boxes then we head out to the park. There's a bench on the pathway under a tree that we decide to sit. She hasn't let go of my hand since we left the restaurant.

"How long have you two been married?"

"Eleven years… In the beginning… I just, I would've never thought we'd end up this way," I shake my head and I look over to her. "He was sweet and loving. He was always there for me but these past couple of years, I don't know, it feels like he regrets everything he ever had with me. There were rumors around the job that he was jealous that I was better at my job than he was but we're not even in the same field."

"He's a surgeon too?"

"The worst kind…" I say slightly sarcastic… I've never met someone in Neuro who isn't cocky, "A neurosurgeon." I scuff, "I wasn't even trying to be better at my job… I just was and he hated me for it. I feel like the resentment started a couple of years ago but it didn't get as bad as him never coming home and blantly ignoring me until about six months ago. Then when all of a sudden he comes home and wants sex from me, it sets me off. I had had enough and I wanted him to know that. I just wanted him to listen… Instead, he got mad at me for pushing him away… He hit me…"

Meredith gasps and squeezes my hand… I close my eyes as I force the rest of my words out, "He hit me and then, he threw me on the bed and forced himself inside me… My crying and fighting only made things worse… He said I was his wife and that I had to have sex with him whenever he deemed fit. He he was finished with me, he threw me onto the floor and suggested that I cleaned myself up. I swear I never got up from that floor… Most of the time, it still feels like I'm there sitting silently on my bedroom floor… It seems as though I can't pick up my life and carry on from that moment… I'm stuck there on the floor… I don't even know how long I sat there. I just know that around 8 pm the next night is when Savannah came over worried because I missed her calls and didn't come into work. She thought maybe I was sick but once she found out what happened, she dragged me to L.A."

When I open my eyes, I see Meredith in tears and she rests her head on my shoulder, "This just happened… I'm so sorry. We don't have to rush into anything… I know you're going to need time to heal. I'm just so sorry, Addison."

I smile sadly and I wipe some tears off her face, "Hey, it's okay. I'm okay. I'm fine. Look at me, I'm still here."

She smiles sadly up at me, "You're so strong, love. Even when you're hurting and dying inside, you still put on a brave face for everyone else. But listen, this isn't about anyone else. This is about you and you're allowed to cry. You're allowed to not be strong… To get all crazy and wild. It's okay not to be okay. You're friends, we, we are here to be strong for you."

I almost start to cry but instead I hug her, "Thanks Meredith… A lot…"

"No, don't thank me. I haven't really done anything. I wish there was more I could do."

"Just being here with me is more than enough. For some odd reason," I joke with a smile, "I feel really comfortable around you. Before I met you, I couldn't even speak… I couldn't even hear my name because of how he used it that night… But you, you changed me… For the better. So thank you… For just being here."

This time she hugs me and we just sit there silently together. After a while, we decide to walk back to the practice. When we reach her car, she kisses me on the cheek and I smile down at her, "I really like you, Meredith and I'd like to eventually pursue a relationship with you. When I get back to New York, I'm packing my things and moving. I don't know where yet but maybe I'll move to Seattle… Who knows?"

She smiles and kisses me on the lips. I don't want her to leave just yet so I decide to invite her up to the practice, "Did you want to check the place out? Or do you have to go? If so, then I won't keep you."

"I have no where else I rather be," she smiles holding onto my hand again as we walk towards the entrance. A cab pulls up front and my best friend gets out of the backseat.

"Hey, lovebirds," she winks noticing our interlocked hands. We both blush as we follow her into the lobby and over to the elevators.

"How was your nap?" I joke once we step inside the elevator.

"I feel refreshed, no thanks to you," she says rolling her eyes then looks past me to Meredith, "Did she tell you that she had me up all night drinking? I'm super hungover and Addie, well, she looks like this. How is this fair?"

Meredith giggles and comments, "I honestly don't know how she does it… No one could actually look this good 24/7."

We all laugh and then Savannah notices our bags of food, "Oh, you guys already went out to lunch?"

"Well, we didn't really get a chance to eat," I comment as she smirks and I shake my head, "No, not like that Sav… Gosh, get your mind out of the gutter."

When the elevator comes to a stop on our floor, it opens up to a hostile looking Naomi standing at the doors… Her eyes grow wide with fear and she steps on closing the elevator… She pulls the lever to have the elevator come to an emergency stop, "I'm so sorry, Addie."

"Wh-what's wrong?" I say as Meredith's hand squeezes mine tighter.

"Derek's here… He already knew you were here and was mad when I told him you weren't… He found out through a coworker that you we're in L.A. and I'm the only person you know here."

"Crap," Savannah cries, "this is my fault. I told Weiss to tell the hospital that we we're in L.A…. Addie, I'm so sorry."

"You can't go back to him," Meredith finally speaks up still holding onto me.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm freaked out. This wasn't supposed to happen. I was supposed to have time to get myself a plan.

"Let's just get back to my house before he realizes that you're here at the practice," Naomi says.

"No," I pause, "he knows where you live and I, I don't want anyone to get hurt… I'm not worth you guys getting hurt too."

"Call the police," she suggests next.

Savannah pulls out her phone and shakes her head, "No service in the elevator."

"Okay, let's get outside to the car and on the way to the house we will call the cops. Have them meet us there in case Derek tries to follow," Naomi says and she pushes back in the lever then pushes the button for the first floor.

The elevator is silent the entire ride down and when it opens and comes to a stop, we quickly make our way outside to Naomi's car…

But we're too late… Derek's standing there waiting.

"Addison," he grins evilly and it sends shivers down my spine. "I've been looking for you everywhere. Why didn't you tell me you were going to L.A.? What was the emergency? Maya pregnant or something? I know Naomi here is way too old to be having kids."

"Derek, cut the crap, we all know what you did and we're not letting you leave here with Addie," Savannah says.

He looks at her and just laughs, "I don't need your permission. She's my wife."

"That doesn't make her your property," Meredith speaks up.

He looks at her and frowns when he sees how close she is to me, "And who are you supposed to me? How old are you? 18? Addison, why do you have a child talking to me?"

"Derek, leave her alone. She has nothing to do with this," I say getting defensive.

He enjoyed it… He smirks, "You're coming home with me, Addison… One way or another."

"No, Derek, I'm not," I say and it clearly upsets him.

His eyes turn dark and he turns around then back to us, "Look, Addison, I don't want you or anyone else to get hurt so I suggest you come with me now."

I stand my ground and I shake my head. This makes him made and he runs up on me. To my surprise, Meredith steps up in front of me in an attempt to push him away. It doesn't work… He pushes her out of the way and onto the ground. I scream and run over to her. He doesn't even give me a chance to check on her before he yanks me away.

"I warned you, Addison!" he yells pulling me away by my arm.

I didn't even realize I started crying but now I'm wiping my eyes. I watch Meredith get up from the floor with the help of my friends. I cry out as I'm being pulled away from them, "I'm so sorry."

He throws me into a car not even caring if he hurt me and then hops into the driver's side. He's yelling at me but I don't hear him. He takes his hand and strikes me against my face, "SHUT THE HELL UP WITH THE CRYING, ADDISON!"

We pulling out of the parking lot as I watch my friends from the window. I feel so horrible for even putting them through this.

"I can't believe you tried to run," he scoffs then shakes his head laughing, "You're so going to get it when we get home."


	4. Chapter Four

_"I used to think I was in control of everything. Now, I think life happens and it's our job to just to try to keep up, try to ride it out, try to survive." - Addison Montgomery_

 **Chapter 4: Journey Into the Unknown…**

He didn't speak to me for the entire ride back to New York… The last thing he told me was to shut up and that was when we were leaving the parking lot back in Santa Monica. He said nothing to me on the drive to the airport… nothing while waited for our flight… nothing while we rode six hours on the plane… nothing but the calming sound of the rain on our drive back to our house. Pulling up in the driveway, I feared going inside. I didn't want to go back into the place where this all started. I can already see it coming back to me. I close my eyes trying to control my breathing.

Derek's beyond furious at me for trying to leave… Who knows what he is going to do to me? I watch him get out of the car and walk into the house. I decide not to follow immediately and instead use this time to check my phone. I open it to find several missed calls and texts from Naomi, Savannah and Meredith. I send them all the same text, 'Hey, I just want to tell you that I'm okay and back in New York. I'm going to be back in L.A. soon. Until then, I'll try my best to keep myself safe. Thanks for everything you've done these past few days and I'm so sorry that I put your life in danger. Please forgive me. But yeah, I'll talk to you soon.'

Honestly, I'm terrified… But of course I'm not going to let anyone know that. Maybe that's what angers him so much but I thought he understood that when we got married. He usually read me very well. I thought we were compatible. What changed and caused this? Was it really how successful we got in our careers? Was it really something that material? I text my assistant and ask her to contact my lawyer. I want to get that divorce started now. I won't be in this marriage any longer than I have to.

I put my phone in my purse and make my way out of the car. We didn't stop for my things so I don't have anything to bring in. I open the door and it's quiet. I'm not going to go looking for trouble so I make my way to the kitchen. I grab a glass and more a little juice in it before going over to the liquor cabinet. I fill the rest of the glass with vodka then I down what's in my cup. I fill my glass up with liquor again that I sip on. I take the bottle with me over to the living room where I find a place on the couch and find something to watch on TV. I stumble upon the shopping channel which is great because it's set up to Derek's card. If I like it even a little bit, I'm going to buy it. This goes on for about an hour and two glasses of vodka later until Derek finally comes downstairs only in his underwear. I hear him walking around the kitchen for a second before he walks up to the couch that I'm currently residing on.

"You're not coming to bed?" he asks tiredly.

He wants to know if I'm going upstairs with him where I'll probably get my ass beaten or something worse… What do I say? No? Get my ass beaten right here on the spot? Or yes? And get my ass beaten later? Hmmm… I have to think about that one.

I don't say anything. I just grab my glass and the bottle putting both away then I make my way upstairs to the bedroom. I change into one of my pajama dresses then I tuck myself into bed. Derek gets in behind me and cuddles up on me. It makes me sick… Literally I want to puke. I just don't understand how he can just act like nothing happened… It literally doesn't make sense to me.

He starts to move his hand up and down my body. I can feel him getting hard against my thigh as he continues to rub his hands down my legs. I want to tell him to stop but I don't want to be hit again… so I just let it happen… I hate myself for not even trying to fight. He rolls over on top of me and whips his penis out of his shorts. I close my eyes and I look away as he shoves himself inside me. It hurts so much. I want to cry out in pain but I know it will do more harm than good. I say nothing; I do nothing. I just lay there emotionless.

"You know you enjoy this, Addison," he smirks as he grabs me by my face and forces me to look at him. "I know this is exactly want you want."

I don't respond and I guess it made him angrier. He grabbed me by my neck and after a few seconds, I'm at a lost for breath. I wish he would just end it now. I wish he would just stop torturing me and kill me now.

After another half hour, it seems as though Derek has had enough of me. He gets up and starts pacing around the room. "You worthless piece of shit! You're not even good for sex! If I wanted to have a sex with an emotionless plank, I would've fucked robot! You know what get out!"

Derek grabs a coat and throws it me along with some shoes. He picks me up off the bed and starts walking out the room then down the stairs. Once I realize that he is actually throwing me out, I freak, "Derek, stop! Please!"

"Oh, now you have some freaking emotions? Well it's too late now, Addison," he says while swinging the door open then literally dropping me on my ass onto the front porch.

He throws the coat and my shoes down on top of me then closes the door. I hear it lock... A second later lightning strikes and I realize I'm soaking wet. I feel like I should be in pain but I'm not; I'm numb. I bet he is expecting me to beg at the door until he opens it but that's not what I'm going to do. I put on my coat and shoes then I walk out of the yard going nowhere in sight.

I'm not exactly sure where I'm going. I don't have anything on me; no money, no ID, no keys, no phone… I'm walking in the middle of the night during a thunderstorm with no direction in mind. How did I end up like this? I can't do this. I can't keep going on like this. I want to take my life back but sometimes it feels like I can't. I don't know... I have so much on my mind right now that I can't even think straight. This is literally killing me…

Wouldn't it be nice though?

After about an hour of walking, I end up in front of some condos. I know who lives here. I walk inside and I don't even have to wait for the elevator. It's already open and waiting for me. I press the button for level four and when the elevator opens up on my floor, I walk all the way down to the end of the hall stopping in front of Room 423.

I knock on the door a few times until I hear familiar footsteps coming towards the door. It opens revealing my husband's best friend. He looks at me concerned, "Red? What's going on? Why are you soaking wet?"

In this moment I decide I'm going to lie. I don't feel like getting into all that. I just want to get warm so I quickly come up with something, "I got locked out of my house… I didn't realize the door was locked when I stepped outside to take out the trash. You're the closest person I could think of."

He lets me inside and locks the door behind us. I'm freezing cold and soaking wet so I ask to use his shower. After a nice long hot soak in the hot water, he gives me some pajama pants and a tank top of his until my clothes dry. I ask for a drink and he pours two glasses then passes one over to me. We both sip on our glasses quietly as we listen to the thunderstorm outside. I'm probably going to get a cold from walking in that storm. Luckily, I have some place warm to be.

This is funny... I mean, Mark is supposed to be Derek's best friend yet he is more like mine. He's always there. Without fail, he is forever at our house whenever Derek doesn't show for important dates like anniversaries, birthdays or holidays… He's like my replacement husband that my actual husband hired to send home for me. I'm sure Mark feels guilty for always having to make up excuses for him.

"Thanks," I say as I finish my glass. Mark pours up another for me and I smile.

"Red, what's going on? Where's Derek?"

"I don't know," I shrug then I look at him and with a smirk I speak up again, "I don't want to talk about him."

I don't know what I'm doing but I want to feel something. I have to. I'm getting tired of feeling numb. I'm slowly losing myself and I have to do something… I have to find myself.

"How long?" I ask him simply. He looks at me questionably so I ask again, "How long have you been in love with me?"

He's about to say something quick in response which is more than likely a lie so I cut him off, "I'm a woman, Mark, I can see it. You don't have to come up with a lie."

He blushes then puts down his glass as he searches for what to say. He finally asks, "How long have you known?"

"That's not the question at hand," I smirk.

"Fine, I've been in love with you since the day Derek introduced you to me. I hated myself for letting him get to you first," he says then he smirks.

I just stare at him. I don't know what comes over me but next thing I know is I'm all over him. I can feel the heat start to rush throughout my body as we kiss. I needed this. I start ripping off his shirt and he takes off his pants. He lifts me up and I can feel him in between my legs even with his underwear on as he carries me over to the bed. He takes off my shirt and lays me down gently as he kisses me down my neck. He continues between my breasts all the way down my stomach. I let out this god awful moan as he kisses across my waist line.

"God, Red, you don't know how long I've waited for this moment," he whispers in between kissing my ear. "You're even more beautiful than I imagined."

"Mark," I manage to moan out, "make love to me."

"Say no more," he says as he kisses me down my ear all the way to my breasts and takes his time on my nipples. After he finished sucking them, he kissed down my body pulling off my pants with his teeth. He kisses up my legs and around my hips before his mouth finds my clit.

"Oh God," I moan long and loud. He carefully adds his fingers and after I'm good and wet he decides to put himself inside me. His strokes get deeper and deeper. They start off soft and gentle before they get faster and more rough. He has my body rushing and after awhile I can feel a rise coming.

I swear I had like four orgasms before we finished. We laid there in each other's arms for the rest of the night. He fell asleep quickly yet I still can't seem to get any. No rest for the wicked, I suppose. I don't think I've slept since that night… and sadly, even after all of that, I don't feel any different. I still feel numb… It only worked for the time being…

I lay here awake until the sun rises and the storm subsides. It's still wet outside but that doesn't stop Manhattan from moving. His alarm goes off and he groggily wakes from his slumber. He turns off his alarm then turns around to me. He gently wakes me not knowing I'm awake, "Good morning, Red."

"Good morning," I say while turning around to him smiling. He kisses me and I let him. I guess it feels nice not having to be forced. I'll learn to enjoy it.

We both get up and take a shower together. We're both washing ourselves but I can feel his eyes on me. I look at him curiously and he just shrugs.

"I don't know… You just seem different," he says after a while then continues to wash himself.

"I guess I'm just seeing things in a new light," I say shrugging. I didn't know what to say but I didn't lie. I am seeing things differently but I don't know if it's really a good thing. All I see is my world crashing down at the moment and I can't seem to come up with any solution.

When our shower is over, I get dressed back in my pajamas and my coat. I ask Mark to take me home because there's really nothing I can do without my things. The ride home is quiet other than the radio. When we pull up outside the house I see that Derek's car is gone. I relax a little but I didn't even know that I was tense. That explains why Mark was looking at me weirdly the entire ride…

"Addie, you sure you're okay?" he asks again.

"Yeah, Mark, I'm fine. Thanks for all of this. I'm going to call Derek on the neighbor's phone. Have him bring me the key," I say as I hug him and step out of the car.

He calls out after me, "Look, Red, you can still talk me like we used to before you know."

I guess he is referring to us having sex. I didn't think it changed anything but maybe it's just me who changed. I used to talk to Mark all the time but mostly because I was drunk and upset that Derek missed yet another Valentine's Day or anniversary. Mark was there though. He was always there. I don't know why I didn't get with him before. I guess I was still stuck in this fantasy world I was living in where Derek was still my knight and shining whatever. Mark was just Derek's silly man-whore best friend. Honestly, I loved his personality. I just would never admit it to myself. The Captain and Bizzy wouldn't approve of the relationship and when I was younger I always tried to live up to my parent's expectations. I wonder what life would've been like if I was with Mark for eleven years instead of Derek.

I ponder this as he drives away. I see a note on the front porch so I walk up to see what it says. It reads: I want to talk to you tonight over dinner when I get off work. Have it ready. The keys are under the mat. P.S. I told your friends and whatever your little whore's name is not to call your phone anymore... Doesn't matter either way though... You may want to buy a new one.

Meredith… My fresh start. I almost forgot. That's still my goal but I saved her number in my phone. I left the piece of paper in California along with my clothes. I think I have Savannah's, Naomi's and my assistant, Marie's numbers in phone book in my office at work. Those are the main people I need to contact today. I get the key from under the mat and go into the house.

When I get inside I see my phone broken on the counter. Derek is an ass. I hate him. I don't see my purse or my keys but I see an envelope with cash in it. It looks like just enough to get to and from work and food for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I don't think I've eaten since that day either but it hasn't seemed to affect me. I take the time I have for work to get my hair and makeup done then get dressed for work.

I look at myself in the mirror and I still don't see the person I used to be. I'm slowly starting to recognize this dark soul staring back at me.. Maybe I'm getting used to it. Whatever… I call a cab and it's here within a few minutes. I stop by a local pharmacy first and fill that prescription I wrote for OxyContin and the one for Xanax too.

After that I make my way to the hospital and I head straight for my office. I didn't see Derek on the walk here and I lock my door behind me letting out a breath I didn't realize I was holding. I'm not supposed to be here for another two hours so no one will come looking for me for a while. I use this time to take a few Oxys. I'll save the Xans for later. I only got those to help me sleep. I can still function on Oxy but luckily, there isn't really anything for me to do today anyway.

An hour passes and I'm literally just staring at my door. I cringe whenever someone stops at it but as the meds kicks in, I learn to relax a little. I search through my desk and I find my phone book. I decide to first contact my assistant. I let her know to forward all of my calls to my work phone and contact me as soon she hears back from my lawyer. She'll probably want to have a meeting with me personally. I choose to call Savannah next. She and Naomi are probably worried out of their minds. The phone doesn't fully ring even once before she picks up.

"Hello," she answers hastily.

"Hey Sav, it's me-," that's all I get to say before she cuts me off.

"Addie, oh my god!" she sighs in relief. "I'm so glad to hear your voice. When I got that call from Derek, I was almost afraid I'd never hear from you again."

"He smashed my phone… I'm calling you from my desk. He also took my purse and my car keys. He's starting to give me cash everyday to get through the day. This is insane," I say to her as I carelessly flip through my phone book. I start going through my desk and I stumble upon a scalpel. I was just looking for a pencil but I grab both then lay them out on my desk in front of me.

"Honestly Addie, I think you should go to the police. I know you're worried about ruining his reputation and all but I'm concerned about your safety," she says firmly. "We tried calling them after he took you but they said it's not their jurisdiction… I swear I hate the system."

"I don't know, Sav. It's just that… I don't know... He's Derek and we were fine... then all of a sudden…" I say picking up the pencil and doodling in my phone book.

"Honey, he's not the same man you married years ago…" she stresses.

"I know I sound crazy but I don't want to go to the police. I've already contacted my lawyer… Isn't a divorce enough?" I say while staring at the scalpel on my desk.

"In these times and days, sometimes it isn't. I just don't want to end up seeing you in a body bag…" she says quietly.

I ponder this thought. It's funny because I was starting to think I was better off in a body bag…

"Addie, you still there?" Savannah questions bringing me back to the present.

"Yeah, sorry. I'll call the police soon. Just not now… He wants to talk later tonight over dinner… It's not like I really have an option anyway but he hasn't hit me or anything really," I pause to contemplate what I'm saying. "He, um, he did lock me out of the house last night during a thunderstorm but I'm okay."

"Addie! That's not okay!" she yells and it scares me a little. I guess the drugs doesn't really help with that. "Look, I'm coming back to New York tomorrow. I'll see you then, okay?"

"Okay," I say quietly and there's silence for a moment.

"I don't really want to hang up. It's just that a part of me is afraid this will be the last time I talk to you. This is scary, Addie. I love you. I can't lose you," she sounds terrified but I know her words are sincere.

It's crazy because she's more afraid for my life than I am. It's probably because I'm starting not to care. I don't know what's wrong with me. I want to get my life back. I do. Maybe I'm just tired… I want to tell Savannah that I'll be okay but I can't make any promises.

"I love you too, Sav," I say simply, "I'll try my best to stay safe… Tell Naomi I love her too."

"I will, okay?" she says softly.

"And Sav?" I say nervously, "I'm sooo sorry for getting you two involved in this."

"Don't worry about us, Addie. We will be okay. Just focus on staying safe and I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" she questions again. God, she's making me nervous just talking to her.

"Tomorrow," I confirm before we finally hang up the phone. Now it's just me and this scalpel here… I've tried drinking, sex and even drugs yet nothing has helped so far in the feelings department. Although I have to say at least I can think again with these drugs in my system... my brain isn't all scattered.

I pick up the scalpel and I just look at it until I'm spooked by a knock at my door. I put the scalpel away in my drawer along with my phone book before going to answer my door. I see that it's one of our residents... umm, I can't seem to remember her name at the moment. I'm staring down at her to figure out what she wants.

"Oh, um, Dr. Shepherd… Montgomery-Shepherd," she seems nervous but then I remember my reputation here... They call me Satan. I don't know why... Satan wouldn't save babies but that's apparently what happens.

"Yes, that's my name," I stand even taller over her with my heels on.

"I'm sorry, I, um, I'm working with you today," she finally says to me. I walk over to my desk and I grab a stack of paperwork to give to her.

"Here," I say handing them over, "round on all of my post-op patients and make sure all of their charts are up to date. If anyone needs me, I'll be here in my office."

She nods and quickly runs off then I close the door locking it behind me. I go back to my desk where I find that it's just me and my scalpel again. I don't know why it's so tempting. I cut into people all the time. I know it's painful at first which is why they dope your body up with anesthesia. But I also know when the wound is deep enough, you don't feel pain. Instead you feel some kind of euphoria... You feel calm and at ease... Those feelings... Those are the ones I lust for.


	5. Chapter Five

" _How does anyone know when to keep going and when to just let go?"_ _ㄧ_ _Addison Montgomery_

 **Chapter 5: Sink or Sail?**

It was just me and the scalpel... I've been staring at it for hours now. With it's small, light, straight exterior, you wouldn't think that it would cause much damage. How this small instrument has a concave edge. It's small but it's extremely sharp blade can cut through human skin; through the five layers of the epidermis and through both layers of the dermis. It cuts deep into our bodies showing us what lies underneath; everything that makes us human.

I haven't felt human in a while… Nothing about me feels real anymore. It's like I'm disconnected from my life... It's like somewhere along the line my life went on without me. I'm stuck on pause. I can't move on and start myself back up. It's like I've forgotten how.

Talking about it only hurt more to myself and hurt the people that I talked to. Drinking… it only helped me forget about it temporarily. Sex only helped in the moment. The drugs? I don't know how I feel on them honestly… Anything is better than being numb. I want to be happy… at ease, calm, at peace… The drugs help but they're not enough. I need something real. I need to feel. Nothing could hurt as much as what I've already experience so I'd even take pain… Anything is better than the numbness that's been with me these past few days.

I can't take it any longer. My hand starts to shake as I reach for the scalpel on my desk. I've tried so hard to resist it… I can feel the tears building up in my eyes… I don't want to do it but I have to. I have to feel something, even if the sensation is unpleasant and painful. This feeling of emptiness, I need a relief and right now, pain is my next option.

Holding it now in my hand, I'm starting to think about all the control I have right now. I'm a surgeon… I know exactly where to cut to just end my life. I'm already considering self-mutilation… why not go the whole way? I won't really miss this world… I don't have any real family other than my brother… But he'll be fine. The Captain and Bizzy won't miss me. They never really acted like they cared much. To everyone, we seemed like the perfect family but that was just on picture. Father, Mother, Son and Daughter but that's only because Bizzy loved to play dress up. They were never actually there growing up… I was raised by nannies that my father would screw of course… And the crazy part about it was that Bizzy was a homemaker. She didn't even work yet she was never there for me and Archer. Instead of being a loving mother, she just made sure we didn't embarrass the fucking family name.

I wonder how embarrassing it would be if everyone found out her daughter committed suicide… She'd probably call me a coward… She'd resent me more than she already does.

I start crying even harder just thinking about how I grew up. I just wish I actually had parents I could talk to… Family that wouldn't judge me. I wish I could tell Bizzy and the Captain how Derek hurt me without them telling me that it's my fault and that I need to fix whatever I did wrong. I know that's what she'd say… She stayed with my father this long knowing that he cheats on her. I just don't see how she wouldn't know.

I hate my mother. I hate her. If she was stronger as a person and maybe if she actually took the time out to raise me, I'd know how to handle what I'm feeling better. I'd know what to do and stop sinking in the quicksand that I put down myself.

I suddenly realize that I can't breathe… I think I'm having a panic attack. How do I make it stop? I'm shaking too much to cut. I hop up from my desk and I run in my bathroom. I'm standing at the sink and I turn the water on then attempt to sprinkle my face with water. It doesn't work and I can feel myself getting more light headed. I start to feel dizzy and I look up at myself in the mirror trying to focus on my reflection.

I hate what I see. It makes me so angry that I punch the mirror. It shatters and when I pull my hand back I see shards of glass sticking out of my hand. I realize that I'm breathing again and I slowly start to relax as I watch the blood dripping down from my hands. The blood is calming… Just seeing it helps me remember that I'm still alive underneath this numbness.

I look at the mirror in pieces on the floor in my bathroom. I'm not sure that I'm going to be able to explain this to the Chief… I'll worry about that later. Right now I need to worry about my hand. There are pieces of glass sticking out of it… It doesn't hurt but I don't really feel anything at all so I can't really judge. It's not deep enough to feel the euphoria yet it's not shallow enough to just heal on its own.

I walk out of the bathroom and back over to my desk. I look at the scalpel on my desk and I figure that I'm going to have to deal with this after I get this glass out of my hand. With my good hand, I throw the scalpel into the drawer then I grab the phone and dial Mark's extension.

"Hello?" he says answering the phone.

"Hey, uh, it's… me… Addison," I say swallowing hard at the sound of my name, "Um, I could use your help. I'm in my office…" I say staring at my hand still.

"Is something wrong?" he asks curiously.

I'm hesitant before I speak up again, "I, uh, may need stitches."

"Addison? What's—"

"Just come to my office please," I say cutting him off.

"Fine," he hangs up the phone and I place my phone back on the hook.

I look down at my desk to see the pile of blood that's built up. I didn't even think I hit the mirror that hard. I panicked and it was the first thing I thought of.

I hear a knock at my door and I wipe my face with my good hand then make my way to the door. I know it's Mark on the other side and when I open it he rushes in.

"What's going on?" he says seeing all of the blood on the desk and the trails on the floor.

I close the door back and lock it. When he turns back around to me, I wave my injured hand at him with a nervous smile.

"Oh fuck, Red," he says bringing me over to the desk and laying out all of his supplies. "What happened?"

"I tripped in the bathroom and tried to catch my balance… The mirror's smashed…" I say sitting down and laying my hand out on the desk. "It's not broken is it?"

"No," he says looking at it as he puts on gloves, "but I'm sure it hurts like a bitch. You may need a few stitches."

He looks up at me and I quickly nod, "Yeah, it hurts… a lot and there's so much blood."

So I lied… I can't feel a thing but he doesn't need to know what's going on. I already dragged enough people into this. I know if Derek would hit me, he wouldn't have a problem fighting his best friend. There's enough of that going on right now and I don't need any extra.

Mark carefully stretches my hand out along the desktop. He starts slowly removing each shard of glass one by one patching the wounds with gauze as he goes to stop the bleeding.

"You've got to be more careful, Red," he jokes as he continues working, "these are million dollar hands you have here. You know the Chief would lose his mind if you couldn't practice because you broke your hand."

"Oh, I know… You think he'll be upset about the mirror?" I ask not really wanting to talk about me anymore.

"I don't know. It's just a mirror. It can be fixed," he says as he begins stitching up the couple of wounds that need them.

"Alright, Red, we're done here," he says cleaning up. "Once those are healed, I can help you get rid of the scars. With my help, you'd never know they were there."

He's so cocky but it's in a cute, childish way. He isn't too dickheaded to the point where he feels threatened by my strength and intelligence like a simple minded man I know as Derek. God, I wish I made a different decision eleven years ago. I should've married Mark. He was always the better friend to me. He actually knew me unlike Derek and young me was just too blind to notice.

My mother liked Derek. That's where I went wrong from the beginning. Bizzy only cared for the exterior. On the outside, Derek was gifted, charming, intelligent, handsome, kind and romantic. He was literally a prince… He came from a great family of kind and intelligent people whom I love more than my own family. He was everything a girl could imagine until we got married. After that, the distance between us grew further and further… It was slowly over time so I didn't pick up on it like I should have.

Maybe I could've prevented all of this? Maybe all of this really is my fault…

"I could write you a prescription for the pain," Mark says pulling me away from my thoughts.

I look up at him and I smile softly, "Thanks. I could use it."

Looking around the room, I realize it looks like a crime scene in my office… I look back at him nervously, "I, uh, don't know how to get up blood."

"I can call someone up here for that and the mirror too. You know, you should head on home. You can't practice today anyway. I could take you. I get off in a few minutes," he says shrugging at me.

I smile weakly, "I don't want to go home but we could go back to your place."

I don't know what I'm doing. I just know I don't want to be in that house any longer than I have to. Even though Derek isn't home right now, it's the last place I want to be.

I follow Mark out to his car and he opens the passenger door for me. I smile thanking him as I sit down inside getting myself buckled in. Mark gets in the driver's seat and off we go into the always busy streets of New York City.

"Did you want to get anything to eat?" he asks me.

I haven't eaten in a few days so why start now. I shake my head and say, "No, I'm okay. I already had lunch."

"Oh okay, that's cool then," he nods, "Do you mind if I stop and get myself something?"

"It's your car, Mark," I say with a smile.

"I know but I'm just being considerate. What you think does matter you know," he smiles back at me.

Wow, that's the most anyone could do for me in this moment… ask for my freaking opinion. Let me take control and let me know that what I have to say actually matters.

"Thanks, Mark," I say sincerely and he shakes his head.

"No, don't thank me. That's how any person should be treated," he laughs. "I know most of the time I act like a douchebag but actually I'm a pretty decent person I like to think."

"You're not bad at all, Mark. You're definitely not a douchebag either," I say as we enter into a fast food restaurant's drive thru.

He orders his food and I ask for a water cup. I have eaten in awhile but it's okay if I stay hydrated; well for now at least… Gandhi survived without food for twenty-one days and it's only been four days for me. I haven't slept in five… I'm sure I look as disgusting as I feel.

We're back on the road again and soon we pull up at his condominium. He parks and we both get out the car heading up to his place. As we approach his door, Mark steps around me so he could pull out his keys and have the door opened by the time I reach it.

I smile thanking him as I walk through the door first. He closes it behind us and walks over to the kitchen counter where he places his food. He sits down at a bar stool then looks over at me and says, "Make yourself at home, Red. I won't be long."

He starts eating and I make my way into his bedroom. I sit down on his bed and I pull my purse open. I dig around for my phone but then I remember Derek broke it. Instead of finding the phone, I find my scalpel. I didn't even notice that I put it in my purse. I thought it was still in my desk drawer at work. Seeing it makes me want to cut even more… but I can't do it now. I don't know how else to put my cravings at ease other than drugs so I take out my bottle of Oxy.

I look over at Mark in the kitchen and I realize that he couldn't even see me. I take two pills out of the bottle and throw them into my mouth really fast. I have my water cup that I use to help me wash them down. After putting the bottle back into my purse, I relax a little on the bed. I find the remote and I turn on the TV. I'm still scrolling through the channels when Mark walks in.

"Anything good on?" he asks me as he heads to his closet.

I watch him undress from the bed and then I remember the incredible sex we had last night. That helped with the numbness and craziness of my world… at least in the moment. I wonder how long I could make that moment last. He gets back dressed into some more comfortable clothes then looks over at me as I quickly look away. He smirks then laughs walking out the closet.

"Did you even hear what I said?" he asks me and then I giggle remembering that he did indeed ask me a question.

"Honestly, I got distracted…"

"Oh yeah," he questions laying down on the bed beside me, "how?"

"Well, when you started to undress," I say as innocently as possible, "I couldn't help me think about last night."

"Uh huh," he says as he crawls his fingers up my thigh.

We don't even need anymore words. He starts kissing me. Our hands start to roam all over each other's bodies as he starts to lift my legs up from under me so now I'm laying on my back. He pauses all of sudden and sits up. I sit up after him confused… He looks over at me sadly and says, "What about Derek? He's my best friend."

"I'm divorcing him." I say simply then decide to continue, "It's been coming for a while now. You know this."

"He's an ass for the way he's been treating you, Red," he says relaxing a little.

"You don't know the half of it," I accidentally let slip.

He doesn't notice anyway because he continues talking, "If you were mine, I would never miss an anniversary, not a birthday not a holiday let alone a simple dinner. You're a queen, Addison and you should be treated as such."

Oh, Mark. If you only knew, you'd be furious with Derek but I'm already sleeping with his best friend… I don't need anymore drama in my life right now. He doesn't need to know.

I just look at him and smile softly, "Thanks, Mark."

"Don't thank me. I mean it. I love you, Addison."

"I love you too, Mark," I say sincerely. I've always loved Mark. I just never let myself know it because I was with Derek. That's what Bizzy wanted and I had to protect her image. Gosh, this only makes me hate myself more.

I don't want to feel like this…

So I look up at the man in front of me and I slowly start to undress… I get up and walk towards the bathroom stopping short at the door. I look back at Mark and I smile because I know he's getting a rise out of this.

"You gonna join me or what?" I say licking my lips. He quickly undresses and soon joins me in the shower.

Later in the day, I find myself in a cab on my way home after five hours of sex with Mark all over his condo. After sex in the shower, we had sex on the sink, on his dresser, in the bed, on the floor, on the couch, the kitchen counter… let's just say we utilized just about every inch of the place the most we could. I'm not ashamed either. That's once in my life where I can say that truthfully. Now I just have to go back to my house for dinner with Derek… I wonder what's going to happen. If he tries anything again, I'm calling the police this time. I just want to hear him out… hear what he has to say.

We pull up in front of the house and I notice Derek's car isn't here. I pay the tab and head towards the door. I let myself in and I notice the house is quiet.

"Derek! Derek!" I shout throughout the house confirming I'm alone when I get no response. I look at the clock and I see it's only seven o'clock. I decide that I'm going to try to cook dinner for a change.

It's eight thirty when I finish cooking and still no sign of Derek. He normally gets off at seven thirty on Friday's. Maybe his surgery ran over or someone asked him to stay late. He wouldn't ask to have dinner and just not show up.

By eleven thirty I decide that Derek is the type of person who would ask to have dinner and just not show up. That's what he's been doing to me for the past few months and he got upset when I pointed it out. Why would he continue to torture me like this? I honestly don't understand.

This clearly upsets me because now I'm angry and I can feel streams of tears rolling down my face. I didn't even realize I started crying… I'm just so angry with everything that I start grabbing pots full of green beans and rice and pans full of chicken and bread and begin throwing them all around the kitchen.

I go through the house finding anything I can of Derek's and destroy it. By the end of my tantrum I find myself sitting in the living room on shattered table glass on the floor with a bottle of gin in my hands and my purse beside me.

It draws me closer; it drives me near. I find myself rambling through my purse in my left hand I pull out the Xanax and in my right I pull out the scalpel. I pop a handful of Xanax's into my mouth and I just stare at the scalpel laid out on what's left of the living room table.

I think to myself… just one cut and this could all be over. I stare down at my wrists. What brought me to this point? I don't know. I can't think. There's no peace inside my head. All the intelligence I had, all the confidence, everything that made me Addison washed away along time ago. The only thing that's left of me is anger and frustration.

My demons are bursting to be free; the walls of the cages that kept them in are finally caving. I lay out my left arm in front of me and I pick up the scalpel with free hand.

"Just be brave, Addie," I say to myself as I cut deep into my wrists. Blood rushes out of my veins and onto the carpet beneath. I feel a slight tingle but no real pain. A Calmness comes over me; I feel so at ease.

"Fuck everyone that made me like this," I say quietly to myself. Fuck my mother, fuck my father, fuck Derek… the list could go on.

I just want this to be over. I dig deeper into my skin as tears stream down my cheeks. My head starts to feel heavy and I get dizzy. My world starts to go black and I succumb to the darkness.

Finally.


	6. Chapter Six

_"Sometimes when we were stuck, we'd stop for a minute to rest, regain our strength and let the waves take us for awhile even when we weren't going anywhere, it was still sailing." ㄧ Addison Montgomery_

 **Chapter 6: Sail**

There's nothing… Emptiness; nothing lingering about. I'm drifting around in complete darkness. I hear something… a shriek… a screech of some sort. I hear scratching. There's something moving around me… surrounding me. I hear a scream. I still see nothing but I hear someone crying. I feel a wetness at my feet and I realize that I'm standing in my own puddle of tears. It's myself that I've been hearing this whole time. I'm all alone.

I start to yell but no sound comes out of my mouth… the only yelling is in my mind. There's no one here to help me anyway. I'm all alone in my own personal Hell. I realize what brought me here… Twenty nine years of depression starting with the day I was born. The depression that grew with me through the years of neglect on my parents' behalfs; the years of craving their attention only to be shunned for not ever being enough to even pay attention to. The same depression that revealed itself to me when I started mixing my father's drinks at eight. The depression that lead me to hurting myself the first time I had to lie to my mother about the affairs my father was having when he was supposed to be taking me on playdates.

That depression only grew with me. It led me to my need to escape and I thought I fell into the right person's arms. I honestly believed in Derek, in us, in our relationship… I even thought I was getting better with managing my depression. I hadn't had an emotional breakdown in years… never once thought about my childhood and when I did, I knew how to talk about it. Derek took all that I grew into and literally washed it down the drain. He knew my weaknesses and used them to his advantage.

I had some part in this too I guess. I am weak. I let a man walk all over me after letting so many people walk over me before. I'm tired of fighting.

I give up.

I see a light… It's small but it's growing brighter. I can feel myself starting to fall as my consciousness returns to me. I hear a voice… someone calling but it's faint. The light gets brighter and now I'm able to start seeing scenery. When it all comes back to me, I realize that I'm in a hospital room. I look to my left to see a body bent over in a chair next to my bed. I look down at my arms… I see a bandage on my wrist on my left arm and a bandage still on my right hand from the mirror incident. I realize that I'm alive and a part of me wants to cry. I can't do this anymore.

When the person on my left moves, I look over to see that it's Mark. He notices that I'm awake and I could see all the worry drop from his face.

"Addison," he screams and it makes me tense up. He gets up from his seat, "Thank God you're alive! I have to call Derek!"

"No," I manage to get out. It's quiet but I think he hears me because he turns back to me and sits down.

"Red, what's going on?" he asks sincerely.

"How long was I out?"

"Two days, Addie, we thought we lost you. You lost so much blood. You tried to kill yourself, Addison. Please talk to me," he pleads reaching towards me.

I can't even look at him. I turn away as I start to feel tears welling up in my eyes.

He gently takes my good hand and gives it a little squeeze, "Is it me? Was it Derek?"

When I don't respond, he continues to talk, "Addie, I didn't say anything before because I wasn't sure but I don't know, you haven't been yourself… Then I saw the bruise on your stomach but you acted like it was nothing so I didn't mention it then you 'fell' into the bathroom mirror and now you tried committing suicide, Red, there's something way bigger going on."

I look over at him and I can already feel tears streaming down my face. It's time to tell. It's time to finally do something about this because I can't continue on like this. The moment I'm about to open up, Derek walks into the room.

"Oh, Addison! Thank God! When I found you bleeding out on the living room floor, I thought for sure you we're gone. Luckily I got you to the hospital when I did or we would've lost you," he comes over to the other side of my bed. He tries to kiss me and I turn my head away.

Mark looks at me then looks at Derek then looks back at me again. I watch as the flame literally ignites in his eyes. He stands up and looks at Derek, "Hey man, I don't think she wants you in here."

"Excuse me? This is my wife. I can be in here if I want," he says and I can feel the tension in the room rising.

"Derek, I really think you should leave," Mark says trying to remain calm.

"No, Mark, I think you should leave," he says back defensively.

Luckily a nurse walks into the room right before anything could break out. She walks over to me with a warm smile, "Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd, so glad you're awake. I just need to check your vitals and then I'm going to have to send someone in from psych for an evaluation whenever you're ready to talk but we can't move on with your care until you do, okay?"

"Excuse me, nurse, I was wondering if you could have this man removed," Derek says in reference to Mark.

"Is there something wrong?" the nurse asks looking down at me.

"I believe that I was the one talking to you," he says to her.

"I'm sorry, Dr. Shepherd but I'm only allowed to answer to the patient," she says then continues to work.

"I am her husband!" Derek demands loudly.

I see the nurse look at me as I tense up and she asks quietly in reference to Derek, "Would you like for me to get someone to escort him out the room?"

I nod softly and she smiles back in agreeance then walks out of the room. We all sit in here in an awkward silence as the tension continues to build up. Moments later, the nurse comes back with one of the hospital's security guards.

"Excuse me, sir but I'm going to have to ask you to leave the room," he says walking up to Derek.

He looks at me stunned then I watch as anger grows in his eyes. He nods then leaves silently out of the room.

The nurse smiles back at me, "Is there anything else I could help you with?"

"Could we just be alone for a second?" I ask and she nods but before she could leave I stop her, "Wait, do you think you could get the police down here?"

She nods and walks out the room then I turn to Mark. He looks like he's about to cry. It's like he's already figured things out but I decide to explain anyway.

"A couple of days ago, Derek and I got into an argument… I was fed up with him never coming home and when he did come home, he acted like nothing had changed. He wanted to have sex but I told him 'no' then he got mad… I had never seen him so angry before… He hit me… The bruise on my stomach got there when he threw me onto the bed but I landed on the bed frame… He didn't care that I was hurt. All he wanted was sex, Mark… He raped me… Savannah found out the next day and took me to California then Derek somehow found out, came all the way out to L.A. to literally drag me back home. He took my cellphone, my debit cards, money, ID, car keys… He locked me out of the house in the middle of the night during a thunderstorm because I was unenthusiastic when he forced himself on me again…" I pause looking at Mark and I can see he's a mess from my confession. I look at him sadly, "I know I should've said something sooner but we'd be married for eleven years and I thought I'd give him a chance to redeem himself. He made it seem like he was going to try because he wanted to talk over dinner and then he never showed up… he never showed. I freaked out and that's how I ended up here."

I wipe my eyes and I nervously continue to speak when he doesn't answer, "It's no excuse but I didn't think anyone would believe me anyway because he was my husband. There was really no way to prove if it was rape or not because we were a married couple. It was just going to be my words against his plus things like this never really hold up in court. Usually a woman gets slut-shamed and dogged out during the trial… I just want a divorce and I want to get as far away from him as possible."

I realize that I'm still crying and it doesn't seem like I'm going to stop. I feel so vulnerable and he's hasn't said anything since they kicked Derek out of the room.

"Please say something," I plead. He says nothing but he stands up taking off his coat. I see fresh tears welling up in his eyes as he quickly tries to wipe them away.

"Move over," he says softly then lays down in the bed beside me. He holds onto me tightly and I cuddle up further in his arms. I'm starting to realize that maybe all I've been needing this entire time was to be held. I just needed human contact.

I laid there crying softly in his arms until the police showed up. I asked Mark to stay with me and he held my hand as I told them everything that happened. They told me that they will arrest Derek but aren't sure how everything would hold up in court since the incident happened a couple days ago and I've had sex with someone other than him since then plus he could bail himself out with the money he has. I do however get a restraining order but I don't want anything to go to trial. I already know how these things usually play out and it's almost never in the victim's favor which is just downright depressing… I just want a divorce and him out of my life so I can at least work on getting it back.

After the police leave, I lay safely in Mark's arms for a few more hours that is until the evaluator came down from the psych floor. Depending on how this goes, I could be admitted of psychiatric care and I really don't want that. I don't want to be here or in this hospital so my only option at the moment is getting out this room.

The psychiatrist asks my nurse to step out of the room. He asks me if it's okay if Mark could stay and I shrug. He then nods and starts, "I just have a couple of questions to ask you."

"I'm a doctor. I know how this goes… Look, my husband abuses me and I was too stupid to just go to the police. I just, I couldn't take it anymore and I got upset while I was drinking… I took some pills…" I say waving my injured hand, " I found an old scalpel and I tried to end my life. It was one time. I regret it and I'll never do anything stupid like that again. I realized I have too much to live for."

Okay so maybe I lied a little but I refuse to be admitted into the psych ward. He nods then writes something down in my chart, "Fine. However, I'd like to keep you overnight for observation and tomorrow if everything still looks good then we'll get you ready to go home and also I'd like to make a couple of plans with you. I'll explain it all tomorrow, okay?"

I smile and nod then he walks out of the room. I look over at Mark and he gets up from his chair in the corner of the room. He sits down in the one next to my bed.

He takes my hand in his then asks, "How can I help you?"

"You're helping by just being here, Mark," I reply. "That's more than I can ask for."

"You know you can talk to me about anything right? Anything at all… even when you're sad," he says to me squeezing my hand, "especially when you're sad. I want to be there for you, Red."

I nod then I motion for him to join me. He climbs on the bed taking me into his arms as I rest my head on his shoulder and soon, drifting off to sleep.

I wake up and Mark is still lying beside me however it's seven in the morning of the next day. I've been asleep for more than twelve hours and it makes sense seeing that I hadn't slept since that night… I don't even know how long ago that was. It's all felt like one really long day to me. I do know that today however, is a new day. There's something different about today.

There's a knock on my door and I look over to it to see the two police officers from yesterday. I don't say anything yet they still walk into the room. One of them clears his throat, "Good morning, Dr. Montgomery. We're sorry for intruding but we collected some things of your husband when we brought him in last night and we just wanted to return them to you."

They hand me a bag with all of my debit cards, my ID and my keys. I look back up to them and the other one speaks up, "They've already been put into the system for evidence and it'll really help with your testimony."

I just nod my head wanting them to leave so badly. I want this all to be over so I finally try to actually move on with my life. Mark starts to stir beside me in bed and the officers take that as a sign to leave. I thank them and watch them walk out of the room.

I turn to lie back down when I hear loud clunky footsteps coming towards my room. Those footsteps sound all too familiar… They belong to someone I know very well… They belong toㅡ

Savannah literally bursts into the room, "Addie! You're awake!"

"Sav…" I say carefully sitting back and pointing to Mark beside me, "ssh, before you wake him."

"Oh, we already spoke," she says quieter but grows louder as she continues, "I got in from L.A. last night and came straight here to find out you attempted suicide and almost freaking died!"

Mark stirs beside me and I frown at her. She looks back at me with a disappointed look, "Uh, uhn. You're no longer allowed to frown at me. You tried to kill yourself! After you promised me you'd try to stay safe! You tried to leave me here in this God-awful world without my best friend, I can't believe you!"

I can't take this anymore. I want to scream at her but I don't want to cause anymore commotion. I turn around to lie back down and block out everything she's saying.

"Addie, you can't just run away from me. We need to talk about this," she says as I hear more footsteps approaching.

Someone walks up to the door clearing their throats, I guess to get our attention. I don't sit up this time, I just roll over onto my back so I can see that it was someone from psych.

"Good morning, Dr. Montgomery. My name is Mina Landes. I'm going to be helping you get your safety plan in order so we can get you discharged," she says flipping through some charts.

I look over at Savannah and she rolls her eyes at me. I know she's vexed but this really isn't about her right now and she's going to have to learn that. I look back to the woman and I nod as she steps further into the room. We talk for about thirty minutes coming up with a plan for what I should do if I ever feel like hurting myself or if I ever feel in danger. I also have to see a therapist for now on until they deem me ready and I have to pick a person to have as my emergency contact who they can share my medical information with and all that jazz. I pick Savannah as my person and I see that changes her mood a bit. When that's all over, Dr. Landes leaves the room and I can already sense Savannah starting up again.

"Look, Addie," she says as Mark begins to walk up. I ignore her turning around to him and I hear her sigh, "Don't think for one second that you're off the hook, Addie."

"Good morning," Mark stretches out as he wakes up and I smile because he looks pretty damn adorable. He sits up and sees Savannah sitting in the chair over in the corner of the room, "Good morning Sav."

"Have you been here all night?" I ask him and he nods.

"Honestly, I was afraid of losing you in your sleep… I stayed up all night listening to your heartbeat. I didn't sleep until like four a.m. especially since your friend kept me up talking all night," he jokes.

"Hey," Savannah exclaims from the corner.

"Thanks," I smile at him, "they're discharging me. I can leave the moment I get the papers."

"What do you plan on doing?" he asks me.

"I'm going to go get my things and probably check into a hotel until I find a place to stay," I shrug.

Mark shakes his head 'no' then says, "Nonsense, you know you can stay with me."

"Or me," Savannah adds.

"No, no," I shake my head, "it's okay. I don't want to intrude."

"You wouldn't be," she says.

"Yes, I would… And you have Weiss," I add plus I want to be alone. I don't want to stay with a friend because I know they'll always be checking in on me and babying me. I don't want that.

"I don't have any attachments," Mark says trying to get me to take up on his offer.

"I couldn't," I say shaking my head, "How could I trust that you would actually sleep and take care of yourself? You'll always be watching over me and I don't want to jeopardize your health."

"But I'll be more than happy to do that," he says with a smile and I just shake my head.

"Neither one of us needs that but thanks for the offer," I smile taking his hand, "You could, however, help me collect my things."

He agrees and I smile softly at him, "Thanks."

"I'll help too," Savannah adds.

Somewhere within that next hour, I was discharged, out the hospital and on the way to the place I used to call home to get my things. We spend the next couple of hours packing and taking things out to the car. We put most of my things in a storage unit and I take what's essential with me to the hotel. On the way up to my room, Savannah informs me that she grabbed my things from L.A.

About half an hour later, I'm all settled in and Mark and Savannah went back to the hospital to actually work. I'm all alone again. I look over at the time to see that it's barely two in the afternoon and I have absolutely no idea what to do. I decide to get online and start looking for somewhere to live.

It's nearly three weeks later and I've found nowhere that I want to live. I had a couple of contenders but once I went to actually check out the lot, I realized I didn't actually like them. This keeps happening every time I find one that I actually like.

My phone rings, yes I got a new one, pulling me out of my search for living quarters. I see it's my assistant and I quickly answer, "Hey, Marie."

"Hey Dr. Montgomery, I just got off the phone with your lawyer and he says he'll be over tomorrow to escort you to the trial," she says.

The trial she's talking about is the one that we're having since Derek wouldn't give me a divorce. I decided to not go to trial for the assault because there wasn't even evidence or whatever for it to hold in court or something. Give me a break. I'm a doctor not a lawyer… Anyway, it doesn't matter because he can't come near me anyway with my restraining order but the fact that he's still going to be walking the streets of New York is utterly terrifying. Maybe I should look for somewhere else to live entirely… like L.A. or something else on the other side of the continent.

"Thanks, Marie," I say into the phone while I start my search for houses in L.A. "You know what, could you call him back and tell him that everything we have can go to Derek. I don't want anything that has something to do with him."

"Even the practice?" she questions.

"Even the practice. He can have the brownstone and the house in the Hamptons. I honestly think I'm over New York as much as I'm over Derek," I say scrolling through available beach houses in Santa Monica.

"Okay, I'll inform him," she pauses, "Is there anything else, Dr. Montgomery?"

"No, thank you Marie," I reply.

"No problem," she says and I hang up the phone. Soon after Savannah calls and I just let it ring. I've been avoiding her calls since she helped me pack my things and every time she came up to the hotel, I pretended like I wasn't here. She's only calling to yell at me and I just don't have time for that. I get she's upset and hurt for me attempting to leave her and all but shit, this isn't about her at all. She has no right to be upset with me and I don't have to listen to her yelling because I won't. I just won't do it.

Tomorrow comes around and it's minutes before my lawyer is supposed to meet me downstairs in the lobby. I'm dressed in all black in mourning of my eleven year marriage. I don't know if I ready to face Derek again. I haven't seen him since they kicked him out of my room nearly a month ago in the hospital.

If this goes according to plan today, this part of my life could finally be over. I could finally try to move on from this and maybe I could even grow a little stronger; get back to feeling like myself.

I take a deep breath looking at myself in the mirror one last time before I make my way out of the room and downstairs to the lobby. I'm hoping next time I take a look at my reflection, I'll actually be able to recognize the person staring back at me. When I can do that, I'll be able to be comfortable with myself again.

The minute I make it to the lobby, I notice my lawyer. He sticks out in a crowd because not only is he 6' 2" and bulky, he's a ginger. I walk up to him with a smile and a nod. He greets me and we both walk out of the lobby to his car.

We pull up at the courthouse and my stomach is literally in my lap. I don't know why I'm so nervous. We're in a public place. He can't hurt me anymore and if he even gets nine hundred feet near me outside of this courthouse, he's going to jail.

With that in mind, we both make our way into the courthouse and into the room where Derek is waiting with his lawyer. I don't greet them. I sit down at the chairs that's in front of the judge's desk. We all stand when he comes into the room and just like that we get started.

It's not even an hour later when the judge sides with me. Of course, Derek got upset and tried to argue the judge which only made him want to side with me more. He ended up giving Derek an ultimatum. He told him that he'd either sign the divorce papers or he'll sentence him to five-to-ten for sexual assault and domestic violence then have the court grant me my divorce anyway.

With that threat, Derek immediately signed the papers and all my attachments to him were gone, just like that. I feel free… like Derek was literally lifted off my shoulders. Although now I have nothing to my name except my car, it doesn't matter. I could feel that things we're starting to change for the better.

My lawyer dropped me off at my hotel and I thank him then made my way upstairs to my room. Stepping off the elevator onto my floor, I spot Savannah at my door knocking. I almost turn around and run but she sees me and is now walking towards me.

"Addie!" she sounds pissed, "I've been calling you for like three weeks now! I know you've been avoiding me!"

I don't say anything to her. I just pass her in the hallway and get into my room. I can't really pretend I'm not here now so she follows in behind me.

"Addie, are you going to talk to me?" she badgers, "Or are you just going to ignore me while I'm standing right here in front of you?"

I think she knows she got to me. I can't just ignore her if she's standing right in front of me. That's exactly the problem I've had with people all my life… That is what was wrong with Derek and I's relationship. That's what was wrong with my parents and I's relationship… Being ignored is my weakness so you must assume how hard it was for me to be ignored while in the same room as somebody. I just, I can't do that to someone else.

I turn and I look at Savannah. I sigh then I look sadly into her eyes before I finally speak up, "I'm leaving New York for good."


	7. Chapter Seven

_"Step one is the hardest and they say that kind of about everything. You know it's kind of like when you watch a baby take her first step and she spent days, weeks, and months teaching her muscles to function, but once they do it's never that hard again." - Addison Montgomery_

 **Chapter 7: In a Land Far Far Away**

I don't know what I was thinking.

The moment we took off I realized that I made the wrong decision but it was too late to stop the plane. I can't go back to the place the engendered my desolation. I need to escape to someplace where I can get a break from this thing called 'my life' and start on my journey of re-self-discovery... And Connecticut is definitely not that place. My anxiety is sky-rocketing just flying to its airport which is still at least an hour from where I grew up; the place my parents still live; the place I refuse to call home.

The moment we touch down in Connecticut, I make my way over to a ticket counter. I can't go home... I really can't. I'll probably be shunned if not stoned. I don't want to face Bizzy or the Captain. They would find a way to make everything that's happened fall back on me and I don't need anybody else to blame me. I've already got that part covered.

When I reach the counter, I'm asked where I'm flying to today and I just stare at the man. Shaking my head, trying to come up with a thought, I don't even have a chance to think but I blurt out, "First flight out to L.A. First class please."

He nods and asks for all of my information. I pay for my ticket, take it then make my way to baggage claim from my previous flight to collect my things before making my way to the check in for my next flight. I don't know why I chose L.A. I don't really want to see Naomi or anything. L.A. is just the last place where I remember being somewhat relaxed. I just want to lay on the beach and breathe for a bit; get my head together.

It's an eight hour flight to Los Angeles. What better of a time to pop a Xanax? Help me sleep some seeing that I haven't in awhile. By the time I board the plane and we take off, I'm asleep.

I barely wake to my shoulder being shaken by a flight attendant who smiles down at me, "Excuse me, miss? We've landed in L.A."

"Oh," I nod quickly and I wipe my eyes sitting up, "Thank you."

I grab my carry-on bag and my purse as I make my way off the plane. I put on my sunglasses and find my way to baggage claim. I only brought a few bags of luggage with me until I found somewhere permanent then I'd have the rest of my things sent over.

I haul a taxi outside of the airport and I give him the address of the beach house I reserved to stay in for a couple days while waiting on my flight in Connecticut. When I arrive at the beach house, the driver helps me take my luggage to the door and I pay the fare then he drives off. I get into the house minutes later and pull the luggage inside leaving it at the door. I check the cabinets and the fridge; they're all stocked how I like it. When I reserved the house, they asked what groceries I'd like to have in the house. I wrote down a lot of things that I probably won't eat but most of the stuff on the list was alcohol and wine; which is what I go to first... After pouring myself a glass, I make my way outside to the porch and I have a seat in one of the lawn chairs overlooking the beach.

I take a deep breath as I peer out onto the horizon then I finish what's in my glass. I should've just grabbed the whole bottle of gin. Oh god, I sound like my father. I've turned into him; drinking all times of the day... always in need of a drink. I don't want to be him. I throw my glass due to a minor freak out… but the breaking of the glass helped calm me down a little. I just want to be able to breathe again…

I get up going back into the house and upstairs to the main bedroom where I decide to take a shower. Undressing, I take a glimpse of myself in mirror and I see this worn out woman with bruises on her stomach and neck… a huge scar down her forearm… this woman is so pale… her eyes are so dull… she looks almost dead… that woman can't be me. I won't let it.

After I scrubbed my body until I at least felt somewhat new again, I come out of the shower taking a quick glimpse at myself in mirror… at least a little color has come back to my skin. I dry myself off making my way downstairs to grab my makeup bag and something to wear for the day.

When I finally finish my makeup and getting dressed, I look into the mirror and I no longer see that beat up tired old woman. I'm starting to look like myself again; at least with makeup on. After doing my hair, I see that it's only nine a.m. I don't know what to do with myself but I didn't get all dressed up for nothing.

I call a cab and it's here in minutes. I grab my purse and I hop into the backseat.

"Where are we off to?" the driver asks.

I shrug, "Take me somewhere fun."

By five in the afternoon, I've been to Madame Tussauds Hollywood, the Natural History Museum, the Broad, the Grove, the Walk of Fame and now I'm walking the pier at Santa Monica Bay. The beach house I'm staying in isn't too far from here so I decided that I'd walk back when I'm ready. The waves are so calming… I don't want to move from here but I feel like if I stayed here any longer I wouldn't leave.

I start my walk back along the beach and I make it back well before sunset. Today was a nice relaxing day to myself and I know I needed it. I decided to stop drinking for the time being. I don't want to turn into my father. Until I truly get myself together, no more alcohol for me. With that said, I realized that I have nothing to do. I don't want to watch TV, my mac needs to be charged… I'm not really hungry and I don't have a phone. I should probably get one of those.

Instead of being productive, I put my laptop on charge and get myself a bowl of ice cream. Luckily this place has smart TVs because the first thing I do is pull up Netflix. I'm scrolling through but I can't find anything that I really want to watch so I settle on Sunset Boulevard. By the end of the movie, I believe I cried at least eight times. I've seen this film before but it's never made me cry the way it did tonight…

I don't even want to think about why. I make my way upstairs and before laying down to sleep, I wash all my makeup off. I drift off to sleep within seconds.

The next morning I wake up in a bubble bath mood. After cleaning, I go through my normal makeup routine. Today I'm going to get myself a new phone; hopefully it'll be my same number and I'm hoping they can get all my contacts back. I'm pretty sure there's a way to do that.

I called a taxi and it took thirty minutes to get me to the nearest Apple store. About an hour after talking with the consultant, I managed to get a new phone with the same number, all of my contacts, thanks to iCloud, and Derek's number blocked. I'd say that was an highly successful hour. My phone has been blowing up with old texts and voicemails… Bizzy even called but I'm so not calling her back… at least not now. I'm trying to get myself back… to the point of when I can hear my own name without cringing.

Anyway, the Apple was conveniently across the street from a mall so you know where my next six hours was spent… shopping! I bought so many new clothes and shoes. There was a Sephora so I spent at least five hundred in makeup. I got my makeup done too and when I finally ran out of room on my arms for bags, I went to the hair salon.

I wanted to change things up a bit. I wanted the woman in the mirror to be someone completely different; someone I didn't recognize… someone that could give the name 'Addison'... so I dyed my hair blonde and I cut it a little, down to my shoulders. When I looked in the mirror, I didn't see myself and I no longer saw the pale, broken woman. I saw someone new, someone that I could potentially be one day and I loved it.

I rode back to the beach house and with help from the taxi driver, I got all of my new things inside. My phone starts to ring and I scramble through my purse to find it. I pick it up and see that it's Richard Webber, my old mentor. I wonder what he wants.

"Hello, Dr. Montgomery speaking," I answer as professionally as I can be.

"Addison! It's Richard Webber. I've been trying to reach you for a couple of days now. This is the first time my call has gone through," he says.

I nod although he can't see that, "Yeah, I broke my phone but I finally got around to getting a new one."

"Well, it's great that you did. I heard you quit your job at Mount Sinai," he pauses.

I smirk, "How? I literally quit a couple of days ago…"

"Let's just say I'm all knowing…" he laughs then continues, "Anyway, I'm calling to offer you a job here at Seattle Grace. You'd have your own State-Of-The-Art-NICU and OB/GYN wing along with being one of the highest paid surgeons in the country."

"Whoa, well, that is a great offer," I barely get out before he cuts me off.

"You'd get your own office," he says and after I'm silent he continues, "Oh, Addie, before you turn it down, you have to at least try it out."

"Fine, I will come work for twelve weeks before I decide whether or not I will stay," I finally give in. I'm already in L.A. Seattle is just the next state over. I could drive there if I wanted.

I can basically hear his grin, "Thanks, Addie. You're the best. When should I expect to see you?"

"Um," I say looking at the calendar, "it's Thursday so I guess I'll see you Monday morning."

"Great. I swear you won't regret it," he says.

I really hope I don't. Seattle is so rainy, "I'm sure I won't. Good night, Richard."

"Addison," he says simply.

We hang up and I realize I didn't cringe at my name. That makes me feel a little better about myself. I decide if I want to look healthy and put together, I got to start treating myself better. I stopped drinking for now, which is a huge step. Next step, food… since it's been awhile since my last meal, I decide to take it easy and make myself a grilled chicken salad.

It's quick to prepare and about fifteen minutes later, I find myself on the couch watching Netflix and eating my salad. It's been a long day of retail therapy… Plus the start on my re-invention with the makeover of my outside… Tomorrow, I'll work on the re-inventions of my inside. I'm thinking maybe I'll go on a run and find somewhere with a great view where I could sit alone… listen to my conscious… find out what I like about myself, what I like to do during my spare time, what I like to eat… I fall asleep during Disney's Hercules with my half-eaten salad on my lap.

I wake up late the next morning and I run myself a bubble bath after cleaning up my mess on the couch. It's noon by the time I'm washed and dressed… makeup and hair done. I call a taxi meanwhile deciding that I'm tired of calling taxis and I should buy myself a car. I have the taxi take me to a Porsche dealership because I saw that they have a red 1957 Speedster on the lot and I want it.

Having spent all day at the dealership, I drive away in my new car back to the beach house. It's still early in the evening with a few hours before sunset so I decide to go on a walk along the beach to collect my thoughts.

In three days, I'll be in Seattle practicing again. It's been awhile since I've actually worked… it's been at least a month since I punched the mirror… I think getting back into surgery will be really good for me. I have too much time on my hands right now which can only lead to negative things and I don't know if I want to go down that road again… especially not when I haven't properly tried to be better. I have to at least give myself a chance before I give up again.

On my walk, I came across a Smoothie King and decided to have one of their Vegan Mango Kale smoothies for dinner. I've been walking for an hour now so I probably should start back to make it before sunset. I come across a couple of people playing volleyball on the beach and I make a mental note to join them the next time I see them. I plead to be more adventurous and spontaneous. I plead to do any and everything that comes across my mind… to be me, freely.

A lot has changed in the last six weeks of my life… I went from married to divorced, from living on the east side to living on the west, from being happy to… I don't even know how to describe how I feel nowadays… Numb for the lack of better words.

It's getting better though… at least I like to think. It gets a little easier to wake up every morning… There's still this huge scar on my wrists but I don't think that all the cocoa butter in the world could get rid of this thing. I can't believe it's been four weeks since I tried to end my life… Even though I don't have much to live for, at least I'm here… trying to find a reason to wake up every morning.

When I reach the beach house, I make my way upstairs to the bathroom and run a bubble bath. I grab a book then I undress; getting comfortable in the tub before starting to read. After actually washing my body and seven chapters in my book, I finally get out and get ready for bed. I go to sleep somewhat relaxed tonight and even somewhat excited for tomorrow.


	8. Chapter Eight

" _Then slowly, over time, everything changes. And you're no longer this young thing, and you don't believe in fairy tales and 'perfect' isn't in your vocabulary." – Addison Montgomery_

 **Chapter 8: The Beginning**

I find myself stuck… mentally, physically, literally… whatever you want to call stalling outside of a hospital for three hours… I thought going back to work would be a step in the right direction for getting my life back on track but there's something keeping me from going inside. When Richard called last week, I thought of it as a sign to continue on my journey… This was going to be my next step. It's just… the last time I was in a hospital, it was waking up in a bed after a failed attempt at ending my life… Sometimes, I wish I did die that night but I've been trying to keep from thinking that way… I've been trying to find a reason to wake up every morning… I want that reason to be myself but it's been really hard trying to get to know myself these past couple of days… I don't even look like myself… The blonde hair didn't really help at all. I guess that's what I get for trying to reinvent myself… I was trying to be someone I wasn't… that's all I learned from my little self-discovery binge in L.A.

Now, standing outside of Seattle Grace Hospital, I'm not comfortable enough to walk through those doors and introduce myself to a new group of people… I don't even know who I am. I'm so tempted to run back to my car and get to the airport but I really believe I need to do this. I know only of one place where I truly felt at ease and comfortable with myself and that is the OR. I need this. I need to go back to work.

I take out my phone again to check the time when I raindrop falls on the screen. I guess this is the universe's way of telling me to get my ass inside the hospital. I nod to myself taking a deep breath before I start my walk towards the doors. I step into the lobby and it almost looks exactly like the first time I came through these doors. Believe it or not, I did my internship and residency here before moving back to New York where I opened my practice.

Seattle Grace is where I built my foundation in becoming the surgeon and person, really, that I am today. I guess this could really be the right step in figuring out myself again. It's like starting back from the beginning. Sometimes you have to go back to the beginning to understand the end.

I wonder if the Chief's office is in its same place at the end of the catwalk. Walking up the stairs and across the bridge, I find it hasn't changed one bit. There's still the glass wall looking out over the lobby. I see the Chief sitting at his desk and I can't help but smile as old memories of this place started to rush back. Walking up to his door, I hesitate before finally knocking.

"Come in," he calls out from behind his desk. I open up the door as a huge grin spreads across his face, "Addison!"

"Richard!" I greet him with a hug hoping he didn't notice me tense up at my name. I sit down across from him at his desk and smile, "It's so good to see you. How long has it been?"

"Four years as of two weeks ago but who's counting?" he jokes, "I'm just glad you're back."

"Well, I'm not officially back yet…" I correct him.

He waves it off, "I know, I know, twelve weeks but do know, during that time I'm planning on wooing you."

"Oh, I bet," I smirk as he opens up a file on his desk.

He doesn't look up from it as he speaks, "You left here with a specialty in Obstetrics and Gynecology and within four years, you managed to work with Dr. Vivian Carlsmith, pioneer of Maternal–Fetal Medicine. She says you were her smartest student; that you ended up surpassing her skill."

"I–," I try before getting cut off.

"Wait, wait, I'm not finished," he says stunned, "While doing that, you went and got yourself board certified in Neonatal surgery. Addison, at twenty-nine, you're one of only eight people in on Earth who can perform OB/GYN, perinatology and neonatal surgery on a world-class level. They're calling you the 'Meryl Streep of Maternal–Fetal Medicine'. How'd you do it?"

"What can I say? I love learning… I'm working to become a medical genetics fellow as we speak." I shrug… surgery is all I know. I started early… when I was like six or seven, I started going to work with my dad when he taught at Yale's School of Medicine. While his students practiced on cadavers, I'd be in the back performing surgery on hot dogs.

He closes the file and looks up at me with this huge grin on his face, "In Seattle, you could be front page news. With your reputation and the money I'll put into promoting you, Seattle Grace could become one of the foremost neonatal hospitals west of Manhattan."

"You're serious?" I say with a surprise on my face. He knows babies are my weakness.

He nods, "I'm ready to put my money where my mouth is. I'm offering you Chief of both OB/GYN and neonatal surgery with a salary that would be making you one of the highest paid surgeons in the United States to go along with your very own world-class NICU and state-of-the-art OB/GYN wing."

He must notice the smile creeping up on my face because he grins, "Wanna go see it?"

"Yes," I nod enthusiastically.

We make our way out of his office, down the long hallway to the elevators and up to the fourth floor. The doors open up and he smirks stepping off, "This is your playground. Everything you need is right on this floor… the NICU, the OB/GYN wing, the maternity clinic, the prenatal center and peds are all on this floor… even our Medical Genetics Institute."

"Wow," I say taking in my surroundings, "It's a lot like I remember."

"Kind of sentimental, huh?" he states as we continue on our walk down the hall passing by familiar rooms until we come up on the NICU and he opens up the doors, "And this is your NICU."

"Oh my," I say aloud.

The view is breathtaking… There's so much more space and there are even beds for the parents to sleep next to their babies in the incubators. The incubators are the newest ones in the medical world… All the machinery is up-to-date. There's special lighting that is sound activated as visual reminders for people to keep their voices down. The freaking sinks even have lights that help make sure you wash your hands properly before holding the babies. We walk further into the room so I could see the family room and the family learning center as well as the parent sleep rooms when they can't sleep in the room but still want to be near their baby.

"I love it," I let slip, "You really do know how to win me over."

"So you'll sign the contract?" he smirks.

I shake my head as we walk out of the NICU back into the hallway, "Not yet… We'll see if I still like it here tomorrow."

"You should. We have a great staff," he smiles as we continue down the hall into the OB/GYN wing, "Plus, we have a new batch of interns coming in next week and returning second years who are out on vacation so you'll have your own little group to torture."

"Oh, Richard," I laugh shaking my head as we step into the OB/GYN wing. It's just as beautiful as the NICU. I might just enjoy myself here.

After the tour, we make one last stop at my new office. There's paperwork I need to fill out and sign before I can officially start working today. Richard also has a custom made lab coat for me but it still says Montgomery-Shepherd. I refuse to wear it.

"Richard," I frown taking the coat off its hanger and handing it back to him, "Derek and I are divorced."

I expected him to say something but he just nods, "I'll have you a new coat first thing tomorrow."

"Thank you," I smile as he begins to walk out the door.

"I'll leave you to it. You know where to find me if you need anything," he says then closes the door leaving me alone at my new desk.

I'm walking out of the OR for the third time today. The minute Richard left, I filled out the paperwork and got straight to work. I didn't even feel like I've been out of practice for a month… My hand is working just fine now that it's healed and I came out of every surgery feeling a little more sure of myself.

It's nearly one p.m. now and I decide to try to be social… Instead of eating alone in my office, I deicide to eat in the Attendings' Lounge. Not many people are in here. There's two doctors in here that I recognize from passing them in the halls throughout the day and one of them I've never seen before. I thought about introducing myself but then I changed my mind. I'm not ready yet.

I didn't really get a chance to eat before I was paged to the ER. The patient's name is Jamie Carr and she's thirty-four weeks pregnant. She and her husband, Ted, came in because she slipped and fell in the shower breaking her wrist. I page someone from Ortho as I begin doing an ultrasound. After a few minutes of chatting, one of the doctors from the Attendings' Lounge comes in.

She looks up at me, "I got a page."

"Jamie Carr, she slipped and fell in the shower this morning," I smile at the doctor letting her know I plan to introduce myself later.

"I can't see my own feet," Jamie jokes then nods to the ice pack on her wrist, "I did this."

The doctor walks over and moves the pack revealing her swollen and definitely broken wrist underneath.

"That's a nasty break," she say picking up her wrist to examine it as the patient screeches out in pain. The doctor looks to me, "She's not on any meds?"

"She refused," I shake my head, "She's toughing it out."

"Oh no, don't do that," she jokes to Jamie, "Don't tough it out. Say yes."

"Well, you know the baby— I know Dr. Montgomery said it's alright but I'll suffer," she looks from the other doctor to me, "Is he okay? He was kicking like crazy and now -"

"He looks like he could just be sleeping," I say as I look deeper into the scans. The conversation moves on around as I notice that he isn't just sleeping… There's no heartbeat. It looks as though the baby died during the fall. It overwhelms me. I step back from the monitor and begin walking out of the room not even realizing I'm interrupting their conversation, "Excuse me. I'm sorry. I'll just be a… I have to—"

I run to the nearest bathroom and I go into the stall locking it behind me as I burst into tears. I don't know why I'm so emotional. I've done this before… Maybe it's just the first bad thing that's happened all day… I don't know.

I'm crying so hard, I don't even notice someone come into the bathroom, "You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. I'm okay," I say through sobs, "I'm good."

"Don't make me climb over this stall. I'll do it. I'll be pissed because I don't know you that well but I'll do it," she says and then I realize it's the same doctor that I'm working with on this case.

I open up the door and she sees me sitting on the floor wiping my eyes, "You're not okay."

She reaches out her hand to me and I take it as she helps me up off the floor. I walk over to the mirror to clean my face but I can't stop crying. What's wrong with me? I try to talk through my sobs, "I don't know why… There's no reason why this is affecting me like this. I'm used to this I am but—"

"Used to what?" she asks me.

I wipe my face, "That woman; yesterday she's just as healthy as can be and today… today her baby is dead."

The doctor, who I know now name is Callie Torres, tries to console me by saying she'll be there to help me if I need and I guess it helps some. I feel a little more confident about ruining this happy couple's life. It's just not fair… Life sucks.

We walk back to the patient's room and we stop short in front of the door looking on, "They're such a happy couple. Look at them/ They're so in love. They deserve all the good in life. Happy things should happen to happy people," I pause sighing then I look to Dr. Torres, "I gotta go tell them."

"Wait," she stops me, "the moment you tell them they won't be happy anymore. Give them a few more minutes. Let them be happy… a few more minutes."

"Okay," I say in a small voice.

We both walk into the room and Dr. Torres starts the process of resetting the bones in her wrist. I watch on from the edge of the room trying hard not to stare at them. I have this thing… when I need to tell someone something but I can't or really don't want to, I tend to stare at them until I literally can't take it anymore… So yeah, don't tell me your secrets.

When Dr. Torres is done and casts her wrist, she looks to me nodding. I take a deep breath stepping forward, "Ted, Jamie, I need to talk to you… about the baby."

"Dr. Montgomery—," Ted trails off after jumping up from his seat shaking his head…

I, I can't do it. Jamie looks to me, "You have to say it. I won't believe it unless you say it… You have to say it!"

"I'm so sorry," I start as I continue telling them that their baby dies during the fall. I have to explain that she could give birth to the dead baby today or waiting a couple of weeks for her to go into labor naturally. It's a horrible situation all together.

After inducing her labor, I deliver the baby within the next hour. Jamie asks to hold him then they both break down in tears. It takes the life out of me to try to keep from crying. Dr. Torres puts her hand on my shoulder sighing and we leave out of the room. We walk down the hall a little before sliding down against the wall.

She looks over at me after sighing, "So, wanna go get a drink or something?"

I'm about to answer when I get paged and I frown. She frowns too, "Some other time then?"

"Definitely," I answer before for getting up off the floor and heading down to the ER.

It hasn't even been a full day and I think I've already made a friend. It isn't much but it's something… It's been a long time since I've made a new friend and it's exciting. I was a little nervous at first but I think I'm starting to get my groove back.

* * *

 **Hey guys! Thank you so much for your continued support with this fic. I have about a million directions I could go with this and I just would like to hear your input so please feel free to leave some suggestions in the review box below. Also, I'm going on a cruise so I may not post again for another week or two but I promise to be back soon with more chapters to come! Thanks again for reading. See you guys later :)**


	9. Chapter Nine

" _I'm not clinically depressed. I have a good life, great job. I love my job, I do. I can't imagine doing anything else. The rest of my life is fine. It's fine. It's just I'm missing something… I'm missing my life. I'm disconnected from my life like it's a really boring movie that I don't want to watch, but I spend all day long helping other people have a life. And I can deal with that, I can if I just knew that something was going to change. Something has to change, right? When is my life going to change?" - Addison Montgomery_

 **Chapter 9: Six Weeks**

It's been a good week. I've done about twenty surgeries averaging about four a day and I took this past Saturday and Sunday off. It's Monday morning now and I've stopped by my new favorite bakery to get latte's for my new friends, Dr. Bailey and Dr. Torres. Let's just say, it was a rough day for all of us at the hospital so we went to the bar and all of us ended up taking a cab home that night. After that, it was pretty easy becoming close enough to consider them friends.

Callie and I even went out to eat this past weekend… where I learned that we have a lot in common. Although we we grew up in two separate places, Connecticut and Miami, we both had very similar upbringings… like the fact that we were both band geeks and the younger of two children of wealthy parents with whom we now fight to prove our worth to them. However, the difference between the both of us is that her parents were actually involved in her and her sister's life whereas mine were only there for appearance. I do wish that they were actually involved in Archer's and my life. Maybe things would be different now.

I pull up outside of the hospital, park and make my way inside. I run into Miranda first and I offer her a latte. She gladly takes it then scoffs, "Ugh, I get a new group of interns today."

"Ha," I laugh a little… Interns aren't that bad…

She looks at me straight-faced, "Well, you'll be forced to work with a resident every day… at least I don't actually have to work with the interns. I can keep them busy with scut work."

"Wow," I chuckle to myself. I wonder what I'm going to be working with this year so I ask, "Who do you think are the most promising residents?"

"Well, mine of course. They all passed their intern exams with flying colors… well except one," she shrugs and I chuckle. She gets a page, "Oh, well, looks like I have a new batch of whiny, snooty-nose babies to attend to. Don't you have quite a few of those yourself?"

"See you later, Miranda," I say shaking my head at the fact she's comparing her interns to babies. I mean, it's true. Interns are a lot like babies. They're both just starting to figure out their way in this new world and need guidance on just how to operate until they're old enough to do it on their own.

I was twenty-one at the start of my intern year; I finished high school at fifteen and college at eighteen… it seems so long ago but it was only eight years ago. I'm not even thirty yet… I used to think that I gave Derek all of my good years having met him at sixteen and married him at eighteen but I just now realized how my life is really just getting started. I can start over.

I've only been in my field eight years and I've completed double of what the average surgeon has completed at my age. I still have my whole life ahead of me. If I can do that, I could probably do anything. With that thought, I walk with a little more confidence than before. I make my way through the hallway and to the elevator. As it opens up, it reveals the other person I was hoping to run into.

"Callie," I smile handing her a coffee cup, "latte?"

"Thanks so much, Addison," she says taking a long sip from it, "I got paged to the ER. There was a train crash… Bunch of broken bones."

"Go do your thing," I joke as I step onto the elevator and she steps off.

The doors close as we exchange goodbyes. I press for the fourth floor and I swear we stop on every floor before reaching mine. I walk to my office sipping on my latte as I enter, trading my jacket for my lab coat. I throw away the cup holder as I sit down to a stack of papers on my desk. It's only a couple of unfinished charts and the Resident Rotation Schedule… the residents will be rotating weekly unless we want to request a certain resident which we have to take up with the Chief Resident, Dr. Bailey. I wonder what lucky resident gets to work with me today.

I don't even have time to finish my thought when someone knocks on my door, opening it to reveal a tall, dark-haired woman in light blue scrubs with so much sass on her face. I can tell she has an attitude problem from just looking at her standing in my doorway. I'm probably going to have to take her down a notch.

She sits in her hip as she brings her hand to it, "Are you Dr. Montgomery?"

"I'd hope so since I'm sitting in this chair," I say trying to figure out how to go about this. I don't like her already… Too much attitude and all she's done is stand. That means something. I sigh, "And you are?"

"I'm supposed to be working with you today… Dr. Ba-" she starts but I cut her off.

I wave her quiet, "I don't really care for your name. Just making sure you're the one who's finishing my charts."

"Oh, I-" she starts.

I cut her off with a smirk, "If I need anything else… you'll find me right?"

She just nods and I smile devilishly, "That's what I thought. Run along now."

I didn't want to have to be such a hard ass here but I won't be disrespected by a second year. I refuse to work with that either so unless she works on her attitude then this resident will only be doing scut and my coffee runs.

I get paged to the ER a few seconds later so I run downstairs to find the place in utter chaos. I run into, none other than, Dr. Bailey. We both stand here in the middle of it all. Miranda speaks up under her breath, "Damn train crash… We have the best trauma center in the city so they sent everybody here."

"Dr. Montgomery," someone calls from the crowd, "We have a third trimester burn victim here."

"I need a new resident," I say to Dr. Bailey before going into the crowd, "Trauma 3!"

"Got ya," she calls out and I run off to my patient.

A few moments later, a tall, blonde, perky woman in light blue scrubs walks into my trauma room. I assume this is the new resident I requested. I wonder why Dr. Bailey sent me her… As long as she isn't sassy or just plain dumb then maybe she can be taught.

She smiles hard at me, "Dr. Montgomery, where do you need me?"

"We need to book an OR. She's in no shape to push and the baby is still in some distress so we're going to have to proceed with a C-Section," I say and she nods running off to the phone.

Seconds later, she hangs up and looks to me, "They're ready for us in OR 1."

"Thank you, doctor…" I trail off.

She smiles, "Stevens."

"Dr. Stevens, okay," I say as we get the gurney rolling.

She runs ahead and gets the elevator. When passing a see a couple of doctors, I'm assuming interns because they look too young not to be, sitting in a circle around what looks to be my charts. I grab another doctor and have him help Dr. Stevens get the patient up to the OR. I tell them I'll be up in one moment as I walk over to the group of doctors.

When I'm close enough I see that these are my charts, "What are you doing?"

"Um, charts for Dr. Montgomery," one of them speaks up quietly.

Another adds, "Our resident, Dr. Baylow, asked us to do them."

"Incompetent," I say under my breath and then look back to the group of interns, "Not you all. Carry on."

I walk away infuriated. I take the stairs up to the OR and after climbing the stairs I feel less angry… enough to perform my surgery with a breeze. Oh and of course, with the help of Dr. Stevens. She isn't that bad… She seemed at ease during the procedure and I wonder if she's considering going into Neonatal… I haven't met someone worth being taught by me in a long time and I need someone to pass my talents down to.

In the scrub room after the procedure, Dr. Stevens and I are washing up to head out when a certain, Dr. Baylow bursts into the room. She looks upset and she makes this disgusting face at Dr. Stevens before she speaks, "Dr. Montgomery. I thought I was your resident this week… Not Dr. Model… I even finished your charts"

"Look, Dr. Whatever-Your-Name-Is," I say turning around to face her; my blood boiling up again, "You are a nominal surgeon. I personally wouldn't even consider you that. I don't know how you've made it this far in the program. You have little to no regard for patient history and you take credit for things that your interns do. I would never have you step foot into my OR but yes, you are on my service this week and whenever you are on my service, you will be doing scut… probably even coffee runs and my dry-cleaning."

"Uh, I can't believe you just-," she says, "Wow-"

"Save it for someone who cares," I cut her off turning back to scrubbing out as she leaves the room. I turn to Dr. Stevens, "I'm sorry you had to witness that. She's been itching my nerve since I met her this morning."

"No, it's okay," she chuckles, "it was great really."

"You know, Stevens, you show a real gift with my specialty. It's rare that I find a doctor worthy enough to teach my craft so don't take this lightly. I've got a lot to teach, if you want to learn… but do know that it'll be tough. Neonatal is one of the hardest specialties to master and I'm not an easy teacher. So…" I trail off.

She questions, "So?"

"I'll give you some time to think about it," I finish scrubbing and I turn to walk away.

"Thanks, Dr. Montgomery," she says gratefully, "I, uh, no one's ever really thought about me in that way before… I mean, I get pretty all the time but never smart and capable. No one really takes me seriously around here."

"Actually Stevens," I say turning around to face her, "I asked Dr. Bailey to send me a resident… and she knows that I only like to work with the best. She sent me you."

I see a grateful look in her eyes and I smile turning back around to walk out of the room. It's nearly lunch time and when I get back to my office, I see I have a bunch of texts from Callie. She wants me to try this restaurant down the street but I don't really have time. I have another surgery in thirty minutes so I text her back letting her know then I take what little time I do have to stop by the vending machine for a snack.

I get baked Lay's and peanuts in honor of me trying to be a little healthier. I walk back to my office while going over the procedure in my head. It's a nine hour long surgery and it's pretty rigorous but I know I'll be fine. As long as I keep telling myself I'm the best, I'll perform my best and my best is exceptional.

I'm an extraordinary surgeon… it's the reason Derek envied me. It just comes so naturally to me and I love learning. Being a surgeon is who I am. It's what I'm best at and I refuse to be ashamed of it. That's what Derek would want and I won't let him win. I'll always perform my best; the best and then hopefully, I can pass my skills down to… to Dr. Stevens, if she'd let me. We need more Maternal-Fetal surgeons… There is only eight of us in the world...

My pager goes off letting me know it's time for my surgery. I finish my peanuts on the way up. Scrubbing in, I see that my team is here and everyone's prepped and ready. I walk into the OR more confident than ever.

* * *

I scrub out of surgery with a smile on my face. It was a successful surgery and I even managed to surprise myself with how well it went. For a second, I almost thought we lost her but she pulled through. Now she's stable, in recovery and she and her baby expect to live a long life.

It's late now and my shift ended an hour ago so I head straight to my office where I change back into my dress, grab my jacket, purse and head down to the lobby. Making my way through the crowd of people was a little easier than the nights before so I guess you can say I'm navigating the hospital better.

"Addison?" I hear someone call my name and I stop dead in my tracks. I know that voice… I've heard it before. I turn on my heels and I peer into the crowd of people. I don't see anyone for a second until she steps out of the crowd. A huge smile spread across her face and she shouts, "Addison!"

"Meredith," I say smiling to myself. I forgot Meredith… Oh my god, she works here… I can't believe I forgot. I don't even get to finish what I'm thinking before she's standing before me. She latches onto me tightly.

She steps back from me and looks up at me with not only a smile on her face but a smile in her eyes, "God, Addison… I honestly thought I'd never see you again. I'm so glad you're okay. I've been so worried. I tried calling but… I just, I'm so glad you're okay… and you're here. What are you doing here? Are you okay?"

"Actually, I'm here for work. Richard offered me a job," I say matter-of-factly.

She hugs me again, "Congratulations… Sorry, it's just, for a minute, I thought… nevermind."

"No, it's okay," I say. She probably thought I was dead… For a minute I thought I was dead too. I look around the crowded lobby then back to Meredith, "Do you want to get out of here? I mean, I just finished my shift. Have you eaten? Want to grab a late dinner?"

"I would love to. Just let me tell my friends that I'm not riding home with them," she says motioning me to follow as we walk outside to Dr. Stevens and a group of people whose faces now seem really familiar.

Putting two and two together, I probably met them while in L.A. I was so drunk that entire time so I don't really remember. Meredith speaks up again, "You guys remember Addison? We met her and her friends when we were in L.A."

"Oh, that's right. You were a redhead then," Dr. Stevens says astonished.

We all exchange greetings before Meredith speaks up again, "She and I are going to go grab a bite to eat so I'll be home later. Don't wait up."

We head back towards the front of the hospital and I point out my car, "I'm parked over here."

"The red Porsche," she says surprised, "it's yours?"

"Heh, yeah… It's a 1957 356 Speedster… I have a thing for classics… You know, they don't make these anymore. It was the only one on any lot in California; only twenty of these left in the world for sell," I laugh a little.

She smirks up at me, "You have a thing for cars?"

"No, I just have a thing for this one," I shrug as we get in. It's hot enough to let the top down so I do, "This is my favorite part about it."

"I see," she giggles as I pull out the parking lot, "so where to?"

"See that's the thing, I've only been here a week and I've only discovered a bakery," I shrug, "Where's your favorite place to eat?"

"Honestly, I'll eat anything you put in front of me but um… let me think," she pauses deep in thought, "Oh, I know this great Chinese place… and this Italian place too. Do you like Mexican?"

"Meredith, your favorite place…" I plead.

She shrugs, "Fine. Turn left here."

* * *

"I should've known you'd take my question so literally," I say as I park the car letting the top back up because you never know when it's going to rain here.

She shrugs, "You asked where my favorite place to eat was and that is the park."

"Okay," I say looking around the big open space. It's beautiful out here. I smile a little turning to her, "so what are we going to eat? Grass and bark?"

"Oh shut up," she laughs, "there's a bunch of little restaurants around here. I usually get take-out and sit underneath a tree."

"Wow, that's very… earthy of you," I joke.

She blushes, "Oh whatever… I just find it relaxing after everything going on in my life."

"Hum yeah," I take in my view again. It's breathtaking, "I can see that."

"Well, where do you want to eat?" she asks as we begin our walk through the park.

I see a Thai place on the corner and I realize how long it's been since I've had some so I suggest there. We head over and order some food to-go. Finding a tree to eat under was probably our most difficult task of the night but once we found a good place, we settled down into a comfortable silence while we put a little on our stomachs.

I'm surprised that so many people are still out. I didn't think Seattle had much of a night life. As I look around the park, I notice Meredith staring at me. I smile turning around to face her, "What?"

"Sorry," she shakes her head, "it's just, it's been like six weeks. I honestly thought I'd never see you again. After you being literally taken from L.A. and when I tried to reach out to you, your husband threatened me by saying he'd hurt you… so I stopped calling and-"

"My ex-husband," I cut her off, "I, uh, things got out of hand… and I- I ended up in a hospital. That's when I finally was able to get away from his hold and call the police. They only kept him overnight though and he was still after me, even with the restraining order. He wasn't going to give me a divorce but the judge told him, either that or prison five to seven years with no bail…"

"Wow, so he forced him to divorce you?" she asks.

I nod, "Yeah… and then I got the hell on. I left New York and I don't think I could ever go back."

"Addie?" she questions taking my left arm and turning it upward revealing my scar. She looks sadly up at me and I turn away. She runs her finger along it and sighs, "is this what you meant when you said things got out of hand…? I'm sorry… It's just… my mom died shortly after I thought I lost you… and my intern exams were coming up and I was freaking out… There was a ferry boat crash and I was on the scene… I fell into the water but I could swim. I could… I could've held myself up but I didn't. I just gave up… I drowned and I swear, I swear for a second I was gone…"

"Mer-" I start but I won't look back at her. I'm in tears now.

She cuts me off, "Don't… You don't have to say anything. I just want you to know that I understand what you were probably thinking at the time… And that I'm here for you… as a friend, a confidant… whatever you need me to be. Okay?"

I just nod wiping my eyes. I turn around to find Meredith wiping her own eyes as well. She chuckles nervously, "Sorry, I didn't mean to make things so morbid. I like your hair… Although, I think I prefer your natural red."

"I prefer my natural red too," I chuckle through tears, "I dyed it blonde during my little recreation binge… I honestly don't know what I was thinking."

"I like it though," she shrugs, "it's shorter… brings out your face more."

"Thanks but I'm so dying it back this weekend… Blonde really isn't me," I say wiping the last of my tears away.

She just shrugs, "Have you ever been blonde before?"

"Once, in high school… I dyed it blonde for prom," I admit.

She laughs, "Oh my god… I can imagine that. You said you had braces and a lisp… To top it off you had blonde hair! Who'd you go with?"

"I refuse to tell you," I shake my head.

She just laughs even more, "Oh, come on! You have to tell me."

"His name was Skippy Gold… I can't believe I wasted a dress on him… I was forced to talk about Star Wars the entire night," I confess and she just laughs, "You know, you know all of this about me and I don't even know your last name or who you went to prom with."

"It's Grey and in high school, I wore a lot of black… had the whole angry pink hair thing going on. I wouldn't have been caught dead at prom," she waves off.

Grey… Didn't Ellis Grey just pass? Is Ellis Grey Meredith's mother? I want to ask but is it really appropriate? Meredith looks at me pensively and says, "I know what you're thinking and yes, my mother is Ellis Grey. Yeah, she was an extraordinary surgeon but she wasn't a good mother… She always told me that I didn't have what it took to be a surgeon but surgery is all I know. I grew up in the freaking hospital… in Seattle Grace to be exact. I almost didn't go to medical school. After graduating college, my mom and I got into an argument… She suggested that I find another direction in her life because I wouldn't make it in the surgical world. I left and spent two months backpacking through Europe with my friend until I got a call saying my mother was diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer's disease. Her diagnosis gave me the push she needed to go to medical school and I'm glad I did because who knows, maybe we would've never met."

"I'm so sorry to hear that… Ellis had Alzheimer's?" I question because this is the first time I've ever heard of this.

Meredith nods, "Yeah, she made me promise not to tell anyone. Whenever someone would ask, I'd just say she was traveling."

"Meredith, I'm so sorry. That really sucks," I say and she just shrugs.

She stares off into the distance, "I just wish she was around more when I was growing up."

"I understand. My parents were exactly around much at all either… but um, what's your favorite color? Food? Show? Play any sports in high school?" I say mimicking her from our conversation back in L.A. while trying to lighten the mood.

She laughs and bobs her head while she thinks, "Purple. My favorite food… I love everything so is strawberry ice cream a good answer? I don't have time for TV anymore but my favorite band is Duran Duran. And I guess you can say I play Lacrosse in high school… It was only half a semester because I quit."

"Quitters never win, Meredith Grey. You should know that," I joke.

She rolls her eyes at me and stands up reaching for my hand, "Come on, let's get out of here."

"Okay," I say grabbing hold of her hand and being pulled up off the ground.

We pack up what's left of our food and we walk back towards my car. Getting inside, I turn to Meredith, "So, where to? Am I taking you home now?"

"I don't want to go home," she looks over to me, "I wanna go wherever you're going."


	10. Chapter Ten

" _I understand that you can't choose who you fall in love with, but you can choose to be honest." - Addison Montgomery_

 **Chapter 10: The Girl in the Bar**

"Okay, so, Izzie, sorry, uh, Dr. Stevens, she came to me at lunch telling me how the new attending, Dr. Montgomery, offered her to be her apprentice. She said that she had heard your name before so she looked you up. Upon seeing all your credentials, she started to show me them when I stumbled upon your picture. That's when I went searching for you. You were in surgery and I noticed you'd be in there for a while so I hung around a little after my shift was over hoping to run into you. Luckily, there you were, blonde hair and all," she finishes by taking a spoonful of ice cream and shoving it into her mouth.

Last night, coming back to my hotel room after the park, we ordered lots of sweets from room service and stayed up watching old black and white movies until we fell asleep. Luckily, we both work late shifts at the hospital because we neglected to set any alarms. Now, we're sitting here talking about any and everything over ice cream; strawberry to be exact. We ordered pizza but we're still waiting on it to come.

Pulling me out my thoughts, she asks, "So, Izzie?"

"Izzie Stevens," I nod trying to remember her first and last name for future reference.

She nods, "Yeah, Dr. Stevens… are you really considering her as your student?"

"Yeah, actually. She's extremely talented, more capable than most of the residents in your year… and she sort of reminds me of myself when I was younger," I shrug.

She nods and there's a short pause before she speaks up again, "So does that mean you'll stay in Seattle? Sign your contract?"

"I don't know," I shrug then I smirk, "Maybe… plus, I sort of have a crush on this certain girl…"

"Oh, I wonder who that could be," she giggles.

I smile back then suddenly put my ice cream down as I look over to her, "Look, Meredith, I don't want to jump into a relationship after just getting out of one… I really don't want to rush into anything… but… if you were to ask me, right now, to be your girlfriend, I'd say yes and jump right into it with no control at all because that's how into you I am. I know it would be against everything I wanted to do but I still would… and—"

"Listen," she cuts me off, "I know you want to take things slow. How about I'll ask you to be my girlfriend when you're ready? Right now, we could just be dating or better yet, no labels at all? I can just be― the girl in the bar."

"You know what? I'd like that," I smile picking my ice cream back up.

She leans over into me, "I'm really glad that you're not… you know…"

I look over to her and she shrugs then blurts out, "dead. I honestly thought that when your ex-husband answered your phone that last time I called… I don't know. He sounded so pissed that I even had the audacity to try to contact you. He basically said if I ever tried calling you again there would be no you to call."

I shiver at that thought. If Derek really wanted me dead, why didn't he just let me die when he found me in a pool of my own blood that night? He could've had his wish… Maybe that wasn't it at all…

"A part of me knew he was just a coward," Meredith speaks up again pulling me from my thoughts, "He never wanted to kill you. He wanted you to suffer… To be with nobody else but him. He didn't want you to die or else he wouldn't have anyone to control."

When I'm still silent, Meredith finally looks over to me with concern all in her face, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you… I'll st―"

"No, it's okay, um," I say as a tear falls, "it's just… There was a point where I had given up. I made myself believe that we would get better… I mean, we were married for eleven fucking years. He was my first and only… He told me that he wanted to talk over dinner. I thought maybe he was going to apologize and with time, maybe we'd get better but then he didn't show up. He never showed… he never shows. I don't know why it bothered me so much this last time…"

"You were hopeful. Those past times, you knew he wasn't going to show but this time you had hope… you actually thought things would be different," she finishes for me.

I nod, "I lost all hope… I didn't think that anything could get better in that moment. I lost sight of everything… I literally freaked out and tore up everything in the house. In that moment, I was no longer myself. Everything about me, my confidence, my willpower, my intelligence, it was all gone; out the window. I wasn't thinking… All I knew is that my life had been shitty from the start and I was tired of fighting. I took a handful of Xanax and I slit my wrist." I hold up my left arm in defeat and tears fall hard down my face as I admit, "I would've done more if I hadn't passed out… The sadder part about this story is that eventually Derek came home… he rushed me to the hospital and I woke up two days later crying that I woke up… It took awhile but now, I'm grateful that I didn't succeed that night. Honestly, I think losing myself like that is the reason I'm still alive today. Waking up from what I thought was the end, it made me realize that I had so much left to do. It wasn't my time. It gave me the strength to actually speak up and say what had been going on."

"It was your ah-ha moment," she smiles softly over at me as we hear a knock on our door. I watch a smile grow on her face as she hops up running towards the door, "I think that's the pizza."

* * *

"Ummm, I swear I love pizza… any kind of pizza… you could put anything on it. It could be cold, fresh out the oven, sitting out… doesn't matter. I love pizza," she says as she takes a bite out of the last piece.

I chuckle to myself after taking a bite out of my own piece, "I can tell. You nearly ate the whole box."

"You were over there babysitting your slice. In the time it took you to eat one, I had already eaten three," she says in defense.

I shake my head laughing, "What's that like your sixth slice?"

"Fifth," she shrugs then smiles softly.

I just laugh to myself as I watch her gulp down her last piece. I see her eyeing my third slice and I offer it to her.

She shakes her head at me this time, "You don't eat much… Is that why you're so thin?"

"Says the smallest person in the room," I say back, "but yeah, no… I gave up on everything but Gin for a while… However, I did give up drinking in hopes of getting my life back on track."

"Wow, I don't think I could ever give up drinking… I commend you," she shakes her head, "Tequila is my weakness."

"Never had it," I reply.

She looks at me shocked, "What? You've never had Tequila?"

"My father only drank Gin so when I started drinking that's what I'd always get," I shrug.

She shakes her head, "Wow. If you ever start drinking again, we're going to have to cash in your Tequila v-card."

"I'll hold you to that," I laugh.

After Meredith annihilated her last slice, she gets up from the couch and goes into the kitchen. When she comes back, she has two glasses of water in her hand. Handing me one, she sits back down next to me, "So what's our plans for today?"

"I don't actually have any plans. If you can think of anything to do within," I pause looking at the clock on the wall to see how much time we have before my shift, "four hours then I'm game."

"Have you been to the Space Needle yet?" she asks.

I shake my head 'no', "I haven't done any sightseeing. The only places I've gone, other than where you've taken me, are here, the hospital, that bar across the street from it and some restuarant Dr. Torres took me too."

"Oh we're so going to the Space Needle. Next time we're both off, I'm really taking you sightseeing," she says grabbing my hand and pulling me off the couch, "Go ahead and hop in the shower. I'm going to run out to the car and get my bag. I keep spare clothes in case I get stuck at the hospital."

"Okay," I say nodding then I head into the bedroom.

If I plan on staying here, it's probably best I go ahead and start looking for a place to stay; not too close but not too far from the hospital I guess. I don't know about staying in the city… I did that in New York. I came here for change. Maybe a house on a beach… That rental was amazing. I think about more places to live while I hop into the shower. A few minutes later, I hear Meredith coming back into the room.

"Too bad there's only one shower," she hints towards me.

I smirk from inside the shower, "It is too bad… well, maybe not if you join me."

"Say no more," she says and I can basically hear her smile. She even steps into the shower cheesing, "Wow. I only imagined what you looked like naked. My god… you're breathtaking."

"Stop," I say as my cheeks redden, "You're making me blush."

"Sorry, I can't help but speak the truth," she shrugs turning around to step under the showerhead.

* * *

We're out on the streets of Seattle in no time. Meredith is whipping through the streets without hesitation. It seems as though she's driven on these same streets for her entire life. She navigates through traffic with ease. We arrive at the Space Needle about ten minutes later with three hours left until we have to head to the hospital.

It took forty-one seconds to get to the top of the Space Needle… meanwhile my heart is beating out of my chest. I may not have many fears but being six hundred feet up in the air may just be one of them. However, the view is breathtaking. You can see the entire city from Mount Rainier to the harbor.

We get up to the observation deck and they have cute little viewfinders posted around the deck, "Oh, they have viewfinders!"

"And I have a whole pocketful of quarters," Meredith smiles.

I basically yelp as I run over to the nearest empty one, "Oh my gosh, I'm going to look through all of them."

"Oh my, do you see the seaplane? We can see the top of it," she says pointing at the plane below us out the window.

I shiver a little as I chuckle putting a quarter into the viewfinder, "I feel like as I get older, the more afraid of heights I get… Ooh, what's that?"

"Oh," Meredith says looking into the viewfinder in the direction I pointed, "that's the Pike Place Market. I'd have to take you there when we have a day off. They have performers and you can buy all sorts of fresh produce and hand-made crafts. It's a lot of fun; especially at night."

"Oh, that sounds pretty cool. I'm looking forward into going Meredith Grey," I say taking back my rightful place at the viewfinder.

She smiles at me, "There's so many places that I want to take you."

"Relax, Grey, you'll get the chance," I say giggling into the viewfinder. Seattle is beautiful from up here. I've seen the view from the plane but this is different. You can actually see the city; all of the city not just plains and bodies of water.

Meredith walks up closer behind him and wraps her arms around my waist. I tense up a little at first but then I melt in her hold. I find myself whispering, "I could stay here in your arms forever."

"And I would let you," she whispers back. I close my eyes trying to fully take in this moment. It's when I hear my time run out the viewfinder that I open my eyes again and turn around to face the woman latched onto me. I take her face into my hands and I kiss her. It's the first time we've kissed since L.A. and it is more amazing than the first time out on the beach. I honestly didn't think that was possible.

"Come on," she says pulling me out of my thoughts, "let's go check out those other viewfinders and then if we have time, I wanna treat you to dessert."

* * *

After seeing just about all of Seattle, I finally let Meredith escort me all the way to the top of Space Needle. They have a restaurant up here that they call SkyCity. The waiter asks if we have reservations then Meredith whispers something into his ear. He nods then escorts us up another set of stairs to a table that's secluded over in this huge open space near the window. There's white candles burning as the centerpiece.

"Oh, my, Meredith," I gasp as she takes my hand walking me to my seat. She pulls it from the table and pushes it back in once I sit down.

She sits across from me as we're handed the lunch and dessert menus. We order drinks then thank the waiter and when he walks away she peeks over her menu at me, "I know this is a dessert date but feel free to order something to-go to take to work for dinner."

"We're rotating," I say looking out the window and not being able to see my last point of view, "This is amazing."

"You guys didn't have one of these in Manhattan?" she asks me.

I shrug nodding, "Yeah, it was called The View but I only heard about it. Never been."

"Oh," she smiles, "well I'm glad I'm the first one to take you."

The waiter walks back over with our drinks then asks us if we're ready to order. Meredith looks to me and I nod. She smiles then turns back to the waiter, "This may sound a little backwards but we want to order our dessert now and whatever meal we order we'd like to-go."

He just nods so Meredith continues, "For dessert, I'd like the Lunar Orbiter and for my meal, I'll take the Pan Roasted Wild Salmon."

"And for you, Ma'am?" he turns to me.

I look over the dessert menu really quickly making sure that I actually chosen my dessert. The one that caught my eye is a vanilla ice cream coated in snickerdoodle cookie crust. I look up at our waiter and smile, "I'll take the Seasonal Crumble for dessert and the Hazelnut Crusted Chicken Linguine for my meal."

"Okay," he closes his notepad and takes up our menus. Before walking away he says, "I'll be out with your order momentarily."

"I'm excited," I say turning to Meredith, "it's been awhile since I've gone out to eat. I've been attempting to cook."

"I love it when you cook," she smiles, "I personally can't cook… at all. I mean, I could mess up a salad."

"Well, we both can't cook together," I giggle, "If I find a good cooking class, would you come with me?"

"Oooh, that sounds like a challenge," she says unsurely then laughs, "I'm just kidding, of course I'll come with you."

"Oh good 'cause I didn't want to be the worst one in the class," I say chuckling.

She gasps, "Hey! What are you trying to say?"

"Oh, come on, you said you messed up salads… I couldn't even mess up salad," I smirk.

She pouts then we both laugh. I turn back to the window and take in the view in front of me. It's amazing… We definitely have to do this again.

The waiter comes back with our desserts in no time at all. He sits Meredith's bowl down and it's literally smoking. I fan some of it away before I'm finally able to see Meredith again and I ask, "What is that?"

"The Lunar Orbiter… it's ice cream and the smokiness is dry ice," she explains.

I'm smiling hard and I feel like a child but in this case, it isn't a bad thing. I grab my spoon, "You've gotta let me try yours."

"Only if I can try yours too," she says and I gladly offer up my crumble.

We switch desserts trying the other before we even got a taste of our own. It's so good. I can't remember what ice cream tasted like before this. Maybe I'm just being dramatic but even trying my own ice cream was amazing. I'm definitely coming back here… even if it is just for ice cream.

* * *

Leaving the Space Needle and going into work was one of the hardest things I did this week. The amazing view and the amazing dessert is something that's going to be missed but it's not like I can't go back. Plus, I have a resident to torture and maybe even one to teach so it's okay. I haven't seen either one today yet though but that's fine. I only have two patients and they're both post-ops so their isn't much to do except hide out in my office.

I find myself nose-deep into a novel when there's finally a knock at my door. I look at my watch: I've been here nearly three hours and this is the first time anyone has come to my door. I call out to them and the door opens slowly revealing Dr. Stevens.

I smile up at her closing my book, "Dr. Stevens, how can I help you?"

"I, uh, hi, well, so, I've been thinking," she pauses and I urge her to continue, "if the offer to be your student is still on the table, I'd love to learn from you."

"And I'd love to teach you. You have raw talent, Stevens. You will do great things," I smile.

She nods blushing, "Thank you, Dr. Montgomery. Also, thanks for seeing something in me."

"Don't thank me for that. You're the one who showed me. Thank yourself," I try to encourage.

She smiles over at me, "Thanks. Um, do you need me to do anything? I'm on Dr. Hahn's service this week but she doesn't have any patients right now."

"Iㅡ excuse me," I get up from my desk running towards my en-suite bathroom. I don't know what came over me but all the ice cream and pizza from earlier today all came out into the toilet. I haven't thrown up in forever… It could just be the ice cream, pizza and all the sweets from last night catching up to me.

When I finally clean myself and make my way back into my office, I find Dr. Stevens still standing by the door. I shake my head, "Stevens, you don't have to stand by the door. You can have a seat."

She sits down on the couch adjacent to my desk then looks over to me, "Are you okay, Dr. Montgomery?"

"Yeah, just one sweet thing too many. There was a reason I gave up junk food," I wave off, "Now, I don't have any patients at the moment but I do have two post-ops that we could round on."

"Okay," she pipes up.

I smile, "Just give me a minute to find their files and we're good to go."

After rounding on our patients, we went to the NICU and I gave Dr. Stevens a step-by-step tour of the place and how exactly to work all the machinery. I also gave her a tour of the OB/GYN wing; showing her where everything was and when to use it. She jots down notes and also tries everything once so she'll know what to do when I'm not around. I think I've actually found someone to teach and I'm excited. At the end of our tour, we end up back at my office. My pager goes off and so does hers however before parting ways, I turn to her, "This could all be yours one day."


	11. Chapter Eleven

_"We do not get unlimited chances to have the things we want. And this, I know. Nothing is worse than missing an opportunity that could have changed your life." ㄧ Addison Montgomery_

 **Chapter 11: One Day Maybe I Will Be Okay**

The past week at Seattle Grace Hospital has reminded me a lot about myself that I almost forgot like the fact that I really hate those annoying fathers who don't think I'm capable of performing surgery because I'm a woman or those know-it-all parents who think they know how to better treat their child. Some days, I just want to hand over the scalpel and see them try to save their loved one's life. That would be a sight to see.

This past week, I've also learned that I'm not as healthy as I thought I was. I've come down with some sort of stomach virus… I've been throwing up all week. It comes and goes so I've been able to work but I'm pretty sure I look as bad, if not worse, as I feel… Dr. Stevens has been a lot of help though. She's a fast learner and she's great with moms and babies. My only concern is that she's just a little too attached to the patients: overbearing and overly intrusive. I've got to teach her distance.

I was like her… and I had to learn distance the hard way. Back when I was Richard's mentee, he gave me a patient with zero chances of living but of course he didn't tell me that. He made it seem as though it was my personal duty to keep this patient alive. I stayed up all night long doing everything I could to save this patient only for her to die on me. It was devastating and what was even more fucked up was that I found out that it was Richard's plan all along. I didn't talk to him for over a year… I don't want to have to do that to Dr. Stevens. I like her and she's Meredith's friend. I was even beginning to think that maybe one day we could be friends… If I were to do this, there's no telling what could happen. I've got to think of a better way to teach her distance. That method would be my last resort.

I roam through the halls of Seattle Grace this morning with nothing on my mind… My three surgeries I have booked for today aren't until the afternoon and no one seems to need me this morning so I'm free to roam the hallways as I please. I've been doing this since six a.m. I got to watch the sun rise over the catwalk which I don't get to do that often anymore. I've been keeping busy with surgery after surgery so having some time to myself is a nice change of pace.

I was about to talk about how peaceful the hospital is in the early morning rays until Meredith literally ran into me. I looked at her concerned because not only is she out of breath but she looks like she's just seen a ghost. I put my hand on her shoulder in an attempt to calm her down, "What's wrong? Meredith, are you okay?"

She shakes her head at me but doesn't say anything. She takes my hand and I follow her into the nearest unoccupied on-call room, "Mer, you're freaking me out."

"You don't know a lot about me. I mean, I've told you things but you don't even know half of what there is to know about me. It's just… okay, I'm just going to get to the point… so," she starts to pace, "I just found out I have a sister."

"You have a sister… that you didn't know about?" I gasp, "Like just met today?"

"You see how I feel," she says sitting down on an empty bed, "Apparently, she just started working here as an intern. I should've known that we we're siblings… It just never crossed my mind."

"Wow, uh… wait, you should have known?" I question.

She looks over at me like I'm supposed to know this already, "Same last name… She's Thatcher's daughter."

"Thatcher is… your father," I take a try at connecting the dots and she nods, "I thought it was just you and Ellis growing up…"

"It was. He and Ellis divorced when I was five. I never heard from him after that… not even a card on my birthday. Twenty years later, I run into him when his daughter, Molly, came into the hospital to have her baby. That's when I find out that I have not just one sister, but two. The other was in medical school and he was extremely proud of her… He says that he tried contacting me but Ellis wouldn't allow it…" she pauses so she could roll her eyes but then I see them fill up with tears. She lets them fall as she continues, " Then Susan, his stupid wife, had to come into this stupid hospital with the stupid hiccups and dies… What does he do? Blame me for it along with a good ole slap in the face… He came to the hospital drunk on the day of the funeral and told me not to come. I never saw him again and that was a year ago."

"Oh, Meredith…" I start by sitting down beside her and taking her in my arms.

She shakes her head, "It isn't fair. He could just go off and start a whole new family without even coming to see if I was okay. And he knew I wasn't okay. He lived in that house with my mother as well. He knew what it was like! He said he tried… but I know he could've tried harder. I hated growing up with Ellis… I might as well have been an orphan. I was raised by nannies."

"Listen, it's never too late to have that family that you've always wanted. Give your father some time, he'll come around. He just doesn't know you. He doesn't know what all you have to offer. You are amazing, Meredith. You've overcome so much and I am so proud of you. However you wanna handle your new sister, I'll support it one-hundred percent. Just don't let your past control your future. It's called the past for a reason," I say while rubbing circle on her back, "And hey, I was raised by nannies too and I didn't come out all that bad. I think the two of us… we're going to be okay."

We lay there in each other's arms silently for a few minutes before I literally feel my stomach flip. I pry myself out of Meredith's arms to the adjoining bathroom without even letting her know before hand. I lock the door behind me and throw myself over the toilet just in time for my stomach contents to reach the toilet bowl. I feel sick as a dog. I don't know how long I've been hunched over the seat like this but I wish it would just end.

By the time I come out of the bathroom, Meredith is back to looking somewhat normal again. The color has come back to her face but she's looking at me concerned, "That stomach bug still getting you down? How long has it been?"

"A little over a week," I say shrugging my shoulders.

She looks at me questioningly, "Are you sure it's the stomach flu and not… something else?"

"I am not pregnant, if that's what you're thinking… I mean, I of all people would know," I say confidently when really on the inside, this is what I'm been secretly afraid of since I came down with this "flu". If I'm pregnant, I could either be giving birth to a love-child or the child of a rapist. I don't think I could handle all of that right now. I can't be pregnant.

Meredith, gratefully, drops it then she hugs me one last time before heading out the room, "Thanks for the pep-talk. I have surgery with Bailey in a few minutes. I'll find you after?"

"Okay," I say simply nodding. I walk out after her but I don't follow in her direction. Instead I head downstairs to Ortho. There's a certain Latina that I want to pick brains with.

I find Callie elbow deep into a patient and it makes me quite sad. She says she'll only be a second so I make my way over to her office to wait. I'm only alone for a few minutes before she walks in all cheery and bubbly. It sucks so much that I want to smack all that happiness off her face… We all know misery loves company but I don't want to bring her down with me. I just stick a smile on myself as always and drag myself through the day. I stand up from the couch in front of her desk, "So, um, you free for breakfast?"

"Yeah, maybe we can go to that restaurant I was telling you about?" she says hanging up her coat.

She goes into the restroom to wash her hands then she changes into her street clothes. After she grabs her things, we proceed out of her office heading out the hospital towards our cars. Callie offers to drive and I let her seeing that I don't know Seattle all that well.

We pull up at the restaurant after a short drive then we're seated at a table with a view shortly after walking in the door. Our orders are taken and the waiter comes back with our drinks. Callie's talking about the surgery she just got out of and I'm talking about my ones to come. The small talk continues for a few minutes until our food arrives and we eat in a comfortable silence…

That is until I finally gain the nerve to speak up, "We're friends right?"

"Addison, you're scaring me," she says sarcastically while she laughs.

I just stare at her frowning, "I'm serious, Callie."

"Me too," she rolls her eyes at me then continues to eat her food, "Of course, we're friends. You're one of the only people I really talk to around here. What's going on? Is something wrong?"

"I, uh… well, see… I need you to do something for me…" I hesitate while playing with my food, "Could you perform an ultrasound for me?"

"Addison…" she gasps, "I thought you and Meredith were really hitting it off?"

"I love Meredith," I admit quietly.

She smiles softly then she frowns, "Does she know?"

"It's complicated," I shrug. I really don't want to talk about this but she is my friend. We're supposed to be able to tell each other things.

Callie looks at me sadly, "Are you going to explain? You can't just bring up something like this and not explain."

"Before I came to Seattle," I say while moving my plate aside. I've lost my appetite, "I lived in New York. I was married to this… I don't want to say abusive because we were fine. We were happy… for eleven years… We were Addison and Derek. Then slowly he stopped coming home, then he became violent… he, um, he raped me…"

"Oh my god… Addison, I'm so sorry that happened to you," she starts but I don't really want her to finish. I'm tired of people feeling sorry for me.

I wave her off, "It's okay… I mean, it's not okay but it's in the past…"

"Meredith does know, right?"

"Yeah but she doesn't know that I also slept with my ex-husband's best friend like a few days after he…" I pause looking down to the floor not being able to say it again.

Callie sighs, "Wow, I, wow, whatever I can do… I mean, if you need something or anyone to talk to ever, I am here. Okay? I'm your friend and I'm here for you. Whatever you need… When'd you wanna do the ultrasound?"

"I still have a few hours before my surgery," I say while looking at my watch, "It's at twelve-thirty."

"My next surgery isn't until two so we can do it when we get back to the hospital," she says with a sad smile.

This is exactly what I didn't want. I sigh, "Callie, please, don't look at me like that. I'm still me. I'm okay."

"I know, I'm sorry. It's just… it's so recent… and you, you're so strong… It takes people a long ass time to overcome something like that but look at you. You're amazing, Addison," she smiles.

I smile too. As long as I keep of the façade of being okay she won't push anymore on the subject… We go back to eating our food silently. I don't eat much so when I see that she's nearly finished, I ask for the check and a to-go box. After paying for our meal, we head back outside to her car.

We're back at the hospital within minutes but I can't seem to get out of the car. I just stare at the building sighing… Callie takes my hand and it pulls me out of my thoughts. I turn around to look at her as her eyes find me. She smiles at me softly and gently squeezes my hand, "You're going to be just fine. I'll be here every step of the way. No matter what we find out in the next few minutes… you'll be okay."

I just nod… I can't speak. My stomach is in knots. We both get out the car making our way inside and over to the elevators. "We'll go to my office," she says pushing the button for the third floor.

We come out on the third floor and we walk silently to her office. For a second, she disappears from my side but she later returns with an ultrasound unit. Unlocking her office, we swiftly slip inside and I put my things down on her couch as she starts to set up the machine. I'm not ready for this… I've been putting it off for over a week now so it's now or never. I have to know… but do I really want to know?

I look over to Callie and I see that she's finished. She looks around the room and points to her desk, "You'll have to sit up there cause that's the only place it'll reach."

I just nod making my way over to her desk. I move her things over to the edge then I pull myself up on the surface. Callie pushes the machine closer then sighs looking down to me, "Okay, are you ready?"

"I guess I'll have to be, right?" I shrug pulling up my shirt.

Callie starts by spreading out the gel which really is as cold as I tell my patients. She grabs the fetal Doppler and I close my eyes. The anxiety is killing me. I can't look… I can feel the doppler move around my lower abdomen until it stops and holding steady. That's when I hear it… it's faint but it's there: a heartbeat.

The tears started falling from my eyes without me even knowing it and for some reason, I can't control it. Callie quickly wipes the gel off me then takes me in her arms. She gently traces circles on my back trying to help calm me down but I don't really know what could help at this point. I can't breathe. I think I'm having a panic attack… Callie gets up, grabs the ultrasound machine and pushes it out the room. She doesn't return and I just sit here with my hands covering my face, crying my life out on her desk until I hear her return a few minutes later.

Arms wrap around me, and although familiar, they don't feel like Callie's. I open my eyes to see a head full over dirty blonde hair… Meredith… She smiles when she makes eye contact with me. She runs her hands through my hair then lays one hand on my chest, "Breathe, Addison. You're okay. We're okay. I'm here, love. Tell me what's wrong."

"IㅡI can't," I sob out while clinging onto her scrubs, "I'm sorry."

"Addie," she looks me in the eyes and I see that hers are filling with tears. I look away. I can't… I can't see her in pain… it hurts too much. She tries and fails at wiping my tears away as well as her own, "I hate this… I can't… Knowing you're in pain, Addison, it's too much."

"Meredith," I manage to get out in between sobs. I don't know how to tell her this… I don't even know how to tell myself this… I'm still in shock. I try to control my breathing but all I can think about is how horrible this situation and just about every solution there is. I could get an abortion but it's not the baby's fault… That's not fair… I could give it up for adoption but get attached during the pregnancy or don't get attached then the baby grow up to hate me and the people who adopted it… I could keep the baby but resent it because it has the DNA of the man who I thought would keep me safe but in the end only hurt me more. I don't know what to do… what I'm going to do, let alone how to think at the moment. But when I look up into Meredith's eyes, I know that I will be okay.


	12. Chapter Twelve

_"When it comes to abortion, everybody has an opinion. Everybody is going to want to tell you what to do. If this were 1972, it would have been done in a back alley… not a hospital or even a clinic. Because back then, you didn't have a choice and now you do. But, it's still hard. And even after you make the most difficult, personal decision that there is, it's still unsafe. Because you have some fanatic who claims to 'value life' who can walk into an abortion clinic and can blow it up. You are the only who knows if you can have a child. Everyone else's opinion is just background noise." - Addison Montgomery_

 **Chapter 12: Should I Stay or Should I go?**

Three weeks have gone by since I got the devastating news… I spent the first week crying alone in my hotel room. The second week in denial and the third week in questioning… What am I going to do? I haven't told Meredith yet but I'm sure she knows already. I like Meredith. She respects the fact that I don't want to talk about it… pretends she doesn't already know and goes along with me being in denial. Of course, Callie is just the opposite. She thinks I should talk about it… Everytime I see her she brings it up so I've been dodging her every time I see her in the hallway.

Speaking of, here she is now. Usually, I'm really good at not letting her see me… this time, not so well. I see the spark in her eye of acknowledgement as she starts walking towards me. I turn on my heels making a beeline for the nearest room I can hide in before she rounds the corner.

I hurry into the nearest room and closing the door behind me. I wait a second to make sure I'm not followed inside before I let out the breath I was holding.

"Hiding from someone?" a voice calls out from behind me.

I turn around to see Richard at his desk and I smile embarrassed. I was so quick to get away from Callie that I didn't even realize I ran into the Chief's office. I run my hand through my hair and I sit down in front of his desk, "Richard… hi. Yeah… Annoying interns, that's all."

"So, how are you liking Seattle?" he asks and I know where he's getting at.

I sigh, "Seattle's lovely… and I know you want to know if I'm going to stay… I still have time to make that decision…"

"I know," he starts, "butㅡ"

"I wasn't done," I cut him off, "I was saying… I still have time to make that decision but I think I already have."

"Addison…" he draws out as his face grows into a huge smile.

Honestly, I have nowhere else to go that isn't crowded with too many bad memories or that I literally have no one, no one for any type of support. I don't want to start over completely new. Seattle is the best thing for me right now. I've already made friends, even though I'm avoiding them right now, and I have my dream job. Why shouldn't I sign the contract?

I smile back to him, "Richard, I'll sign the contract."

He gets up coming around his desk and takes me into a hug, "I promise you that you won't regret it."

After signing the contract and chatting Richard up a little. I finally leave his office. Right outside the door, I'm cornered by Callie.

She frowns, "You've been avoiding me… How do I know this? You literally just ran from me, Addison. We're talking now."

"Fine," I sigh rolling my eyes as we walk to the nearest on-call room.

Making sure it was empty, we close the door behind us. I sit down on one of the beds but Callie just stands there with her arms crossed. She rolls her eyes, "You've been avoiding me. Why?"

"I'm just not ready to talk about it yet," I say with a sigh.

Callie rolls her eyes, "First of all, I wasn't even trying to talk about that. I just wanted to hang out… like normal people…"

"I'm sorry, I just… assumed," I shrug.

She rolls her eyes again, "Well, you shouldn't. Really I just wanted to gossip. There's so much drama going on here, I nearly forgot about your pregnancy thing… well until you started acting all weird and running away."

"Callie…" I give her a look.

She sighs and sits down beside me, "Fine… I mean. You can't get mad at a girl for being curious. Have you decided what you're going to do?"

"Honestly?" I look at Callie, "I have no idea. A part of me wants to abort it yet at the same time…"

"You remember that the baby has nothing to do with how it got here? That it's still innocent in all of this?" she asks.

I nod, "Well… yeah. And, growing up… I, well, I'm twenty-nine years old and I've never truly known what love is… I didn't get that from my parents growing up, I thought I had that with Derek but it was only a facade… This baby… it'll love me unconditionally. I want that. I want someone to love me… It's just… I'm scared. I'm alone…"

"You're not alone… You have me and you have Meredith," she tries to soothe me.

I shake my head, "I don't even know if Meredith wants kids… or if she even wants them with me. We're still new. I don't want to push her into something that she's going to grow to regret."

"Have you even talked to Meredith?"

"No."

"Then how would you know?"

"I guess I don't," I sigh looking away.

She rubs circles on my back, "Stop freaking out before it's even time to freak out."

"Yeah, I guess you're right."

"And talk to Meredith. You never know… plus, I think she's really into you. I was here when she first got here and she's never fallen this hard for anybody. Have you seen the way she looks at you?" Callie giggles then exclaims, "Oh my gosh, I just remembered why I was chasing you earlier."

"What?"

"You know Erica Hahn?"

"Yeah, Cardio right?" I question.

She nods, "Yeah, we used to date."

"What? You didn't tell me!" I say in shock.

She rolls her eyes playfully, "Maybe you would've known sooner if you weren't so busy avoiding me… I'm kidding. She wanted to keep it a secret. Anyway… um, we broke up… We had a disagreement over another doctor and she just left… quit her job. She's gone."

"Whaㅡ," I cut myself off realizing that I haven't seen Dr. Hahn this past week, "Wow, Callie, I'm so sorry."

"It's whatever… I mean, it's not whatever… I thought we were in love… I guess not… she could just walk away over a disagreement… whatever," she sighs rolling her eyes again.

I can clearly see that she's trying to keep it together. I look at my watch and I see that it's 9:50 p.m., "I get off in ten minutes. I can take you out for drinks to make up for how sucky a friend I've been these past couple of weeks."

"Fine, but don't think I'm letting you off easily. I'm going to make you buy the whole bar," she jokes.

I laugh, "Anything to please you, Calliope."

"I'm going to go round on these two patients of mine then I'll meet you in the lobby?"

"Okay," I nod as she walks out the door. I sigh getting up from my seated position making my way out the room and upstairs to my office.

When I make it to my door, I see Meredith standing outside of it and I smile. She smiles back at me and as I open the door, she follows me inside. We don't say anything. We don't need to. She walks up to me and takes me in her arms. It's in that moment that I can't pretend anymore.

I take a deep breath, "Meredith…"

"I know," she says simply, "I know, Addison. And I want to be there… for both of you, if you'll let me."

I pull back looking deep into her eyes. She smiles softly back at me, "If you're trying to read my eye

s to see if I meant, go ahead. They'll tell you the same thing. I love you, Addison. I'm in love with you. I have been since the moment I laid eyes on you back in L.A. at the bar. I want to spend every second of the rest of my life with you and I know it scares you… I'm more than willing to wait until you're ready. But… if we do decide to do this… we're going to have to start being completely honest with each other. It's the only way anything will work."

"I know… I'm sorry," I say looking down to the ground.

She lifts up my chin a little so she can look me in the eye, "Don't be. This… everything you're going through… it's hard. Just remember, you're not alone. You'll never be alone."

I look at her and my eyes start filling up with tears… they're happy tears though. I don't even realize what I'm doing until our lips touch. This marks our third kiss… Everytime we kiss, it's even better than the last time. I never thought that was possible until now.

I pull away finally looking into her eyes again, "I love you, Meredith Grey. I love you so much."

"I love you too."

"I, uh, I'm taking Callie to that bar across the street… she uh," I pause trying to figure out how to word it.

Meredith frowns, "I've heard."

"Did you want to come?' I ask hoping she'd tag along.

She looks at her watch, "My shift isn't over until midnight. If you guys are still there, I'll join you."

"Okay," I say as her pager goes off.

She checks it then looks up at me frowning, "I've got to run."

* * *

By the time I get downstairs to the lobby, Callie is already here. We walk out the doors and across the street to The Emerald Bar. This is actually only my second time coming here. The first was about a month ago… Callie, Miranda and I came here after a really tough day… we all ended up taking cabs home. Luckily for Callie, she'll have a designated driver tonight.

"Hey, Joe!" Callie says as she reaches over the bar to hug the bartender. He's also the owner, I'm assuming. She then introduces me again, "You remember my friend, Addison?"

"I could never forget a hot redhead," he winks at me and I smile.

Callie tries to whisper, "She's with child so don't serve her anything but food."

"Callie, I can still hear you," I playfully roll my eyes at her then I look to Joe, "Can I buy a bottle of the strongest liquor you have so I can shut her up?"

"Coming right up," he smiles, "Could I get you something?"

"I'll take a virgin margarita so I can pretend I'm getting drunk with her… and maybe some mozzarella sticks?" I look to Callie, "Did you want wings or something?"

"Sure," she shrugs walking off to claim the booth in the corner.

I turn back to Joe with a smile, "Yeah, we'll take those wings."

"Alright, I'll bring everything over to you," he smiles as he dips off into the back.

I make my way over to Callie and I sit across from her at the booth. Minutes later, Joe comes over with the bottle, a bottle of cranberry juice, a bottle of orange juice and my virgin margarita. He says he'll be back with the food in a bit.

About four shots, two drinks and an hour and a half later, Callie is spilling all the details about her relationship with Erica. I found out that the disagreement over a doctor, who she wouldn't name, was that Erica wanted to report him/her but Callie didn't. She told her to stay out of it and let the Chief handle it. Then she literally walked out the hospital, got in her car and left. She didn't even officially break up with her. That's so messed up.

"She didn't even call, Addison," she says as her voice starts to break and tears fill up in her eyes. She grabs a napkin before looking around the bar, "Excuse me."

She gets up and goes into the bathroom. I follow soon after. I'm not about to let her break down alone in the bathroom at a bar. That's not what friends do. I get into the restroom and Callie is drying her face in the mirror. I was about to console her with this familiar looking blonde woman walks into the restroom and up to her.

"Hey," she smiles softly at my friend.

Callie looks over her shoulder at her and forces a smile, "Hey."

"Ortho, right?" she asks. I thought I've seen her face before. She must work at the hospital.

She nods turning around to face her, "Yeah, right."

"Hi, I'm Arizona Robbins. Peds surgery. I've seen you at the hospital. Are you okay?"

"Yeah, no. I'm… fine," Callie waves her off.

Arizona shifts on her feet, "People talk… Where we work, they talk… a lot. So, for the sake of being honest, I-I think I should tell you that I know things about you… because people talk."

"You mean…" she sighs realizing what she's talking about, "Terrific."

"It is, actually… the talk. People really like you over there. They… they respect you and they're concerned and interested. They really like you. Some of them… really like you. You just… you look upset. And I… and I thought that you should know that the talk is good. And when you're not upset, when you're over… being upset… There will be people lining up for you," Arizona finishes. It's then that I realize that those people she's talking about is herself. I smirk to myself watching this all unfold.

Obviously Callie is clueless because she asks, "You want to give me some names?"

"I think you'll know," Arizona says before she leans in and kisses her.

My mouth drops open… I did not see that coming. Arizona walks out of the bathroom and Callie turns to me mimicking my facial expression.

Her open mouth finally turns into a smile, "Wow… that was real, right? That just happened? I'm not just like super drunk?"

"Wow, yeah… no, it actually did," I answer.

She turns on her heels towards and out the door. I'm sure in search for Arizona. I follow her out and I scope around the place but I don't see her. She's gone. I walk up to Callie, who's obviously disappointed, and we both walk back to our booth together.

She's pouting now and I shake my head at her, "It's good that she's gone. You're too drunk to properly hold a conversation right now anyway. Go home, sober up and find her tomorrow at the hospital."

"But what if I never see her again? I don't even know her name," she cries.

I shake my head laughing at her, "Her name was Arizona… Dr. Robbins. Peds."

"Arizona… Dr. Robbins. Peds," she repeats.

I just roll my eyes, "I hope you forget in the morning."

"Hey you two," a voice calls out as I look up to see Meredith approaching us.

I scoot over so she could sit down beside me, "Hey. It's midnight already?"

"Twelve-fifteen, actually," she says grabbing a cup and pouring herself a drink, "What have I missed?"

"Do you know an Arizona Robbins?"

"Yeah, Peds. She skates around the hospital in her Heelys. I heard she's hardcore. I've only worked with her once," Meredith shrugs, "What about her?"

"She kissed Callie," I say and Callie squeals.

Meredith stops sipping her drink, "What? Wow, thumbs up to you Callie."

"Yeah, she told her that once she's over Erica, that people will be lining up for her then she kissed her. It was crazy," I say exaggerating it with my hands.

Callie pours herself another shot, "Crazy wicked! Meredith, take a shot with me!"

* * *

By the end of the night, I couldn't even keep up with how many shots were taken between the two of them but I do know that any trace of Erica that was on Callie's mind at the beginning of the night was long gone. We left the bar about a quarter to four. There was a little bit of alcohol left in the bottle so Meredith asked Joe to store it behind the bar because she's sure they'd be back tomorrow. Obviously, this is a hotspot for hospital workers. Makes sense since it's right across the street. I took Callie home and Meredith decided to come back with me to my hotel. We just snuggled up on the bed and fell asleep to one of my all time favorite movies, _Breakfast at Tiffany's_.

I wake up the next morning alone. Looking around the room, I frown getting up out of the bed. I was hoping Meredith was just in the bathroom but she isn't… When I come out of the bathroom, the door to my room opens and in walks Meredith with a tray of food.

"Hey, I hope you didn't mind but I ordered some room service for us," she says with a smile.

I almost cry but I shake it off with a smile, "No, that's fine… that's perfect."

"You don't get tired of sleeping in a hotel room every night?" she asks sitting the tray down on the bed.

I pick up a glass of orange juice, "Actually, yes… As a matter of fact, I'm looking for a house."

"Wait, what?" she says with a smile growing on her lips.

I can't help but smile, "You heard right. I meant to tell you this last night… I signed my contract. I'm staying in Seattle… with you."


	13. Chapter Thirteen

" _It's not clear or easy anymore. I don't know if that's better or worse." ― Addison Montgomery_

 **Chapter 13: Lime**

I wake up this morning with a really bad burn in my chest. _Heartburn is common at this stage in my pregnancy_ , I think to myself as I look over to Meredith who's just waking up. She rolls over and looks at me groggily with a smile on her face. She's been staying over in my hotel room for a week now. She's getting tired of her roommates… I'm glad I'm a safe haven but this one hotel room isn't big enough for the both of us.

"Good morning," she throws her arm around me, "You know, I love waking up next to you in this hotel room every morning but… I don't know if I can do this mattress much longer. I'd ask you to move in with me for the time being but my place is like a frat house."

She basically stole the words from my mouth. I look at her and smirk, "You know, I was just thinking that same thing… I thought about moving into your place but a frat house is no place for a baby. Then I remember I've been looking at houses, but I don't want to be alone in it so then I also thought… Meredith, move in with me."

"What?" she says sitting up and looking at me with a huge grin on her face.

It makes me blush so I throw a pillow over my face before I say it again muffled, "Move in with me."

"Addison Forbes Montgomery, you better come from under that pillow," she says as she starts to tickle me.

I explode into laughter and I move the pillow from my face. When I finally able to talk again I say it loudly, "Meredith Grey, will you move into my tiny hotel room with me and go through all the stress of house hunting until we find our dream house?"

"Yes, Addison Forbes Montgomery, I will," she smiles at me then kisses me softly on the lips.

I sit up a little and I brush my hair out of my face, "What time do you have to go into work today?"

"I'm working the night shift. I go in at 9," she smiles mischievously.

I smile hard, "Me too."

"What are you thinking?"

"Well, I have a doctor's appointment this morning at 10. Would you like to come?"

"Of course," she grins, "I'm going to be a dad."

"You're stupid," I roll my eyes at her.

She laughs then she looks at me, "No but seriously, if you do decide to keep the baby then I wanna be it's parent… I wanna be your wife… You remember, I was planning our future together the first night we met."

"I've been looking at houses," I blurt out. She says she wants to marry me and I freak out so I blurt out the first thing that pops into my mind, "On the internet, I mean… I've called around and scheduled some viewings for today if you want to go look at some."

"I'd love to… I mean, it's my house too now," she says with a grin.

She doesn't press on the marriage thing which is great because I mean, I want to marry her… eventually. I just… I thought Derek was the perfect man and I rushed into a marriage with him… then eleven years later, he turns out to be a crazy abusive jerk. I know that isn't Meredith but we've only known each other for about three months and I don't know… it just feels too early in the relationship to be talking about marriage.

I roll over and look at the clock, "It's 8:30. If you wanna hop in the shower, we can order room service and it should be here when we get out."

"Cool beans," she says getting up from the bed.

I pick up the phone to call room service as Meredith starts to undress. I bite my lip trying to hold back from jumping her. I'm so distracted by her that I didn't even notice when they answered my call. I place the order quickly before taking off towards the bathroom to join Meredith in the shower.

By the time we leave the hotel, it's 9:30. Thankfully there isn't that much traffic out today and we make it to the hospital in less than fifteen minutes. Now we're waiting for the hospital's other OB/GYN to finish up with her last patient. I'd do the appointment myself but I can't be my own OB/GYN… I wish I could call Naomi and have her fly out here. She probably wouldn't stay for the duration of my pregnancy… I still have months left if I decide to keep it.

My name is called and I, along with Meredith, get up following the doctor into a patient room. She asks routine questions, takes some blood work and gives me prenatal vitamins before pulling in the ultrasound machine. I lift up my shirt and Meredith holds my hand. I don't look initially… It's not until I hear the baby's heartbeat fill the room that I turn around to look at the screen.

"You seem to be about twelve weeks along," she pauses and looks over the screen, "The baby seems to be developing perfectly at this stage. Your baby is the size of a lime."

"A lime," I say quietly to myself. I'm at twelve weeks… my decision to abort has to be now or never. I look up at Meredith and I see tears falling from her eyes.

She smiles at me, "I'm okay. They're happy tears… I've never, I, I haven't witnessed this before and I got a little worked up."

"You don't have to explain yourself to me," I smile softly. I know the feeling; it's why I'm a neonatal surgeon today. I squeeze her hand and I mouth 'I love you' to her.

The doctor snaps a couple of stills then walks over to the other side of the machine to get the photos. She hands them to me, "Here, this is your baby."

"Wow," Meredith says quietly when I hand her one.

I look back over to the doctor when she starts speaking, "I can call you tomorrow with the results of the blood work… or I can put them on a rush order if you'd like Dr. Montgomery."

"No, it's fine. I can wait," I say as she hands me a cloth to clean off my stomach with before heading out of the room.

Trying to leave the hospital, we run into none other than the infamous Grey sister. It seems as though she's trying to get to know Meredith but Meredith wants nothing to do with her. Whenever she sees her, she runs from her and whenever she has to work with her, she puts her on scut. Luckily, little Grey is Cristina's intern and not Meredith's because I'm sure then she wouldn't be taught at all.

I contain my laughter until we leave out of the hospital doors, "Are you ever going to stop being so mean to her? It wasn't her fault she was born, Meredith."

"Yeah, but it's her fault that I see her face everywhere," she pauses as we make our way to our car, "Why didn't she just stay at Mass Gen? Why come here and torture me with her happy upbringing, loving home with parents and rules and smiley face posters on her wall."

"Meredith…" I start.

She looks right at me and frowns, "I don't do sisters."

"Hey," a voice calls out from behind us and I turn around to see my favorite Latina.

I reach out to embrace her and so does Meredith, "Hi, you on lunch or something?"

"Just finished. I have a surgery in," she looks at her watch, "ten minutes."

"We were just heading out… I had an appointment but we come into work later tonight. Will you still be here?" I ask.

She shrugs, "Probably… oh, but before I forget, I asked Arizona out… and she said yes! It only took me, what? Two weeks to work up the nerve but I did it."

"I'm proud of you, kiddo," I joke.

She rolls her eyes and begins to walk away, "Goodbye, Addison. Meredith, keep her in check will ya?"

We leave the hospital with time to grab something to eat before the first house we're viewing at noon. On the way to the first house, we pass by the Space Needle and the Pacific Science Center then about seven minutes later we pull up to this gorgeous house on the corner and from the outside, it looks like a miniature castle and the French doors are to die for.

We're early. Our realtor isn't here yet so we take this time to walk through the gate, around the house to see the backyard and from the porch we see a stunning view of the Olympic Mountains, the Puget Sound, & maritime activity w/Cruise Ship Terminal & the Elliott Bay Marina. I'm already sold on the house and I haven't even see the inside. It's only fifteen minutes from the hospital. It's in the Queen Anne community so they schools are fantastic and there's a park on literally every corner. I love it.

The realtor arrives a few minutes later and walking into the house, we enter the foyer. Everything is beautiful from the rounded chandelier to the spiral staircase. Walking further inside, the dining room is to our right. It has a walk-in pantry that enters into the kitchen. The kitchen is huge with an island in the middle. It has big open windows and glass doors leading to the porch but you don't even have to go outside to see the amazing views.

Off the side of the kitchen is a little library, and connected to the kitchen is a little sitting area with couches and an eating area with a table where the family would probably eat most days instead of using the dining room… The master suite is also on this floor. It's complete with a walk in closet, a huge bathroom with double sinks and a jacuzzi. So far, I'm loving every inch of this place.

We make our way downstairs to the fully finished basement. The first door leads to the two-car garage and the second one the laundry room and it's almost as big as a bedroom. From there, we make our way to the family room which has it's own second kitchen and there's also a wet bar. I see another door, leading to a bedroom. Which makes two bedrooms, one full bathroom and two half bathrooms so far and we haven't even made it up to the second floor.

Upstairs, we walk into the den first and then down the hall there are three bedrooms, an office, that I'm sure I'm more likely to use than Meredith, and two full bathrooms. By the end of the tour, I'm almost positive that this is the house for me but I don't know if Meredith feels the same. This is supposed to be our dream house so it would have to be something we both like.

It takes us about fifteen minutes to get to the next house so I'm guesstimating that it's about thirty minutes from the hospital. It's a little far but it's only twenty minutes via expressway. We drive down this street that seems like it's just overgrown with trees until we pull into a driveway. It's a gorgeous sight. It's only a one story house but it's huge with large glass windows and doors. The whole lot is engrossed with nature so I already know landscaping will be a hassle.

It's beautiful though… I'm not a big nature fan but I could adjust. There's a ground-in pool and there's even a treehouse that's actually livable in. The previous owners used it as a guest house. I'm sure I can adjust to this place pretty fast. Walking inside, I thought since it was one story that it would be small but it's huge. The master bedroom suite, complete with a walk-in closet and en-suite bathroom is the first thing we look at. It's gorgeous, a little small, but gorgeous. When we walk out, we pass by two other bedrooms, another bathroom along with the kitchen, dining room, living room, laundry room, family room, den and recreational area.

I thought I wouldn't like it because nature and I really don't go well together… but I actually love it. It's no miniature castle but it's still in the Queen Anne community, right off the edge of Discovery Park and although it seems like we're in the middle of nowhere, we're only minutes from the city. I can tell Meredith really likes this house as well. I feel like the one we saw first reminded her too much of her childhood home which she used to live in with her roommates… until this morning that is. Now she lives with me at the Four Seasons…

The drive to the next house is a little longer than before… It took us almost forty-five minutes to get to the house in Washington Park but still it's only twenty minutes from the hospital. We pull into the little roundabout driveway, make out way out the car and through the gate. It's a cute, square spanish-looking house. It's two stories and it has a basement.

The landscaping is beautiful and of course, it's the first thing I notice as we walk around the house. It's set in nature but not as crazy deep in nature as the last house. We're still in a neighborhood in this one. There's a hot tub but it isn't ground in but there's also an over-sized garage that could fit three cars inside and from the patio you can see Lake Washington and the Cascade Mountains. And it's in an amazing area! We could walk to Washington Park and Lake Washington from here.

Walking into the house, we come in on the main level and I immediately notice the French doors. This house already comes with a security system and the realtor says the whole house is complete with a sound system. If we wanted to, we could be playing a song in the basement and hear it all the way upstairs in the master bedroom. I love to throw parties, I do, but I'm sure it'll be awhile before I throw another one… maybe after the baby comes.

Everything is super modernized on the inside and I know Meredith already loves it. I can claim it as a modernized castle and be happy with it. On the main floor, we walk past the half bath before making our way to the huge open dining room, the living room, which has a bunch of large windows and the family room with it's huge glass doors leading out to the patio. This whole floor is lit by sunlight that we don't have to turn on the lights during the day. The kitchen is to die for complete with a island in the middle with an extra sink. The walk-in pantry completes it and now I think I'm in love.

We walk upstairs and the den is immediately to our right. The next room we pass is the library complete with a desk, table and chairs, a couch and two recliners. I can imagine myself in here all day. The two bedrooms on these floor also have en-suite bathrooms which is good because if we have guest over or even more kids, we don't have to worry about fights over the bathroom. We walk a little down the hall and into the master bedroom suite. The room is huge with a walk-in closet, a huge bathroom with the double sink and a hide away room on the other side that we'd probably turn into an office.

We go down into the basement next and as soon as we get to the bottom of the stairs, we enter the rec room. It's big enough to set up a few gaming tables and still have space to set up a mini theater if we wanted. To our right is the wet bar that's across from the wine cellar. To our left is the other bedroom and there's also a half bath right between the wine cellar and the stairs. There's doors to the backyard and the laundry room is also down here. This just may be the house for us. I wonder what Meredith has been thinking.

The ride back to our hotel took only twenty minutes so we had the chance to talk about the houses we liked which ended up being all three of them. We decide to sleep on it and talk about them more tomorrow… By the time we make it back to the hotel, it's nearly six p.m. Meredith takes this extra time before work as a perfect opportunity to show me a little more of Seattle. It seems only fitting since I've officially moved here. After a quick shower, we're back on the streets of Seattle by six thirty.

"Where are we going?" I say as we walk out of the hotel lobby unto the brightly lit streets.

She points left off towards Elliott Bay, "That way!"

I shake my head at her enthusiasm as we make our way down the street. We walk past a couple of businesses and then we walk in between a market and a public storage unit. We cross under a bridge and then we come out on Elliott Bay's Waterfront Park. I point towards the boardwalk squealing like a child because they have pink viewfinders. Meredith laughs at me but let's me walk out onto the boardwalk.

I look over to her as she reaches into her pocket and pulls out a little baggie full of quarters. She hands them to me with a grin on her face, "Here, this are just for you and your weird obsession with viewfinders."

"Hey! My obsession is not weird," I say and realize that it's weird just saying that. I shake my head laughing, "Nevermind."

After a few minutes of looking at the beautiful views of the mountains, the islands and the skyline, the sun starts to set. We take this as a cue to move on knowing that soon we'd have to be back at work. I can see the aquarium from her but we're walking in the opposite direction of it. We past by the Waterfront Fountain and it's gorgeous. It's made of cast and welded bronze but it's structured so beautifully.

We come to a stop and I look away from the fountain finally aware that we're standing in front of the huge ferris wheel. I read the sign 'Seattle Great Wheel' as Meredith looks up to me with that mischievous grin of hers.

"Wanna go up?" she asks and I nod before she runs off calling after me, "I'll go get the tickets!"

She comes back within a few minutes and we walk towards the long line of people waiting. I was about to stand at the end of the line but then Meredith pulls me over to a much shorter one.

"I got us VIP tickets," she explains handing me a t-shirt that has a picture of the ferris wheel on it, "It came with t-shirts, priority boarding and luxury gondolas; they have leather seats and glass floors so we can see out the bottom."

"Oh, wow," I say mostly to myself as they start the boarding process.

We're in our seats within seconds. Meredith pulls her t-shirt over her head and I smile doing the same. I'm almost never in a t-shirt unless it's an oversized one that I'm wearing to sleep so I really hope Meredith doesn't try to get used to this.

We take off and surprisingly I get a little nervous. I guess it's the fact that I can see everything underneath me because I'm totally freaked out. I close my eyes for a second before I feel Meredith's warmth cuddle up into my side.

"Baby," she whispers taking my hand in hers, "are you okay?"

"Yeah," I nod take a deep breath, "just got a little nervous."

"No need to be. I'm right here," she pauses and I can hear her grin, "I'll protect you… Come on, just open your eyes slowly… I promise there's nothing to be afraid of."

I open my eyes slowly and the view is overwhelming. It's breathtaking and I'm speechless. I look over to Meredith still holding her hand, "Thank you."

"For what?" she asks confused.

I shrug, "For making me open my eyes… For just being here…"

"You don't have to thank me, Addison," she pauses, "that's what I'm here for."

"Meredith?" I ask and she looks up to me, "Ask me… okay? Ask me. I'm ready."

"Huh?" she asks then her eyes widen, "Ooooh… oh, oh my god, okay."

She moves to kneel down in front of me and she grinning like a fool. It makes me blush, "Addison Forbes Montgomery, will you do me the honor of being my girlfriend?"

"Yes, yes I will," I say as she grins like a Cheshire cat before getting up and kissing me.

* * *

 **Hola, so tell me what you think! Do you like how the story is progressing? Which house do you like best? Is the description enough? Do you need pics? Let me know.**


	14. Chapter Fourteen

_"Every day I deliver a baby and every day I see that moment of change -that moment when every cell in a woman's body is transformed. And whatever happens, whether the baby is sick or happy, unhealthy or healthy, lives or dies - whatever happens, that women will never be just a woman again. She will always be a mother." ㅡ Addison Montgomery_

 **Chapter 14: No Thanks for the Memories**

I absentmindedly run my hand over my ever growing bump as we wait here. Meredith and I are at yet another doctor's appointment. It's just a routine check-up… nothing serious.

"Addison Montgomery," a nurse calls.

We get up following her into the back to a patient room where she asks me to wait a few seconds until the doctor gets here. It's literally only seconds later when the doctor walks into the room.

Not peaking up from her chart once she says, "Addison Montgomery, 24 weeks… and you don't want to know the sex of the baby?"

"I do… well, I already know… she doesn't," I say smiling up to Meredith, "She wants to be surprised… I hate surprises."

"And surprisingly I love them," Meredith grins.

This visit went like all the other visits. I had to pee in a cup, get my blood pressure taken and get weighed. I'm a hundred and forty-five pounds… three pounds heavier than the last visit which is the average amount of weight gain at this point. After that, the she coated my belly in jelly and listened for a heartbeat. It was in the mid-150's, which is great. Then she measured my bump and told me I was measuring kind of small. She predicted the baby may only be about six pounds at birth. I'm not too worried because I was born pretty small but now I'm five foot ten inches.

By the time we make it out of the hospital, it's still lunch time and Meredith insists on showing me this new restaurant she discovered. It was about a ten minute drive even though it was only two miles away from the hospital and within those ten minutes, it started to rain. We pull up at the restaurant and seeing that it's only a week from Halloween, the restaurant and every nearby business is decked out in Halloween gear.

Meredith runs around to my side of the car after she parks. She insists on getting my door whenever she drives. She says that it's the chivalrous thing to do… honestly, it just makes me laugh every time seeing her make such a big deal out of it. Once she sprinted around the car tripping over her own heels just to make sure I didn't open it first.

It's not long before we're making our way up the stairs of the restaurant… and it wasn't long after that I felt my feet come from under me and I start to tumble backwards. I hear only faint screams as the world around me begins to fade.

 _"Derek, stop." I say pushing his hand away._

 _"What the fuck, Addison?"_

 _"I'm not having sex with you. You can't possibly walk around here acting like nothing's wrong. You haven't been home and when you are home, you ignore me! You ignore me at the hospital and at the practice too! What makes you think everything's just going to miraculously change tonight?" I pause and then I stress, "We haven't had sex in nearly eight months, Derek."_

 _He looks at me and smirks then walks up to me whispering in my ear, "That's why we're having sex now."_

 _"Seriously, Derek, no," I say while pushing his hand away as he tugs at my underwear again._

 _I see his hand come up and next thing I know, I'm on the floor crying and my face is stinging. I didn't even see it happen... Did he just hit me?_

 _"Derek!" I scream in between sobs. I can't believe he just hit me. I get up off the floor wanting to kill him but instead I run towards the door. I'm trying to go somewhere and compose myself but before I know it, Derek has me pinned in a corner yelling at me. I can't even hear what he's saying over my tears. I watch in horror as his eyes grow infuriated. I've never seen him so angry before. He grabs me by my face and I cry out, "Derek, please, just leave me alone."_

 _"Shut up!" He continues to yell at me still holding onto my face, "Shut the fuck up and stop crying! Just stop, Addison!"_

 _I try to stop crying but it's uncontrollable. Maybe I'm still in shock? I just can't believe he actually put his hands on me._

 _"You're my wife. If I want to have sex with you, I will have sex with you," he takes me by the arm and basically slings me towards the bed. I trip over his shoes, that are in the middle of the floor, falling short and getting hit in the stomach by the bed frame._

 _Oh god, that's going to leave a bruise. He pulls me by the first thing he can grab onto which is my hair and throws me onto the bed. I can hear him taking off his shirt and unbuckling his belt._

 _I can't stop crying but somehow I manage to scream in between my sobs,"Please, Derek, just stop. I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry. Just stop."_

 _"Addison, please don't make this worse. Just shut up," he says taking off his pants and underwear. He rips off my underwear and literally shoves himself inside of me. I scream out in pain and it only makes him stroke harder as he pins me down by my neck, "I told you to just shut up."_

I see a light… It's small but it's growing brighter. I hear a voice… someone calling but it's faint, "Addison… Addison, baby, can you hear me?"

"Mer…" I force out but my throat is too dry to continue.

The light continues to grow brighter and now I'm able to start seeing scenery. When it all comes back to me, I realize that I'm back in a hospital room. I have to catch my breath before I do anything else… I thought I was over what happened but it seems like something so catastrophic, so life-changing doesn't just go away in six months. Maybe it really does take something more than just time… Maybe I should talk to a professional. I want to be better… I don't want to keep burying things. It hurts too much when it comes to bite you back…

Soon Meredith appears in my view and I muster up a small smile. She starts to cry although it looks like she's already been crying before now and I reach out to wipe her face. That's when I notice all the wires attached to my arm. I sit up slowly and Meredith adjusts the beds.

"What happened?" I croak out before I'm handed a glass of water.

Meredith smiles softly ridding her face of the last of her tears, "You slipped on the stairs of the restaurant we went to the other night… You hit your head pretty badly."

"What? Really?"

"Yeah… you've been out for two days."

"Seriously?" I say self-cautiously reaching for my ever-growing bump.

She smiles, "The baby is okay… wasn't harmed. It was you that we were really worried about. You had us all scared."

"Us?"

"Um, your friend Savvy is here… Apparently she's your emergency contact and uh, I didn't know your medical history and I was panicking and I didn't know that she didn't know… uh, I, uh, I hope it's okay," she finishes her rant.

I just smile and nod, "It's fine… It's just, my head really hurts…"

"A brain swell will do that to you," she jokes then sits down next to my bed, "Doctors say you're probably going to have some serious headaches and vertigo for the next couple of weeks."

"Addie!" a voice belonging to none other than Savannah comes ringing into my ears as she rushes into the room, "oh gosh, am I happy that you are awake! I've been so worried and you're pregnant! You're pregnant and you didn't tell me!"

"Savvy, I was going to tell you," I say rolling my eyes at the way she can turn anything and make it about her.

She shakes her head at me, "When? When you gave birth? Or when I find out about the baby's graduation from high school!"

"Gosh, Sav, chill out. I already have a headache," I sigh closing my eyes. Too bad I can't will myself back into that deep slumber.

I can hear the sassiness in her voice before she even speaks, "Addie, you're six months."

"Yeah, and?"

"When were you going to tell me?"

"I don't know."

"Six months, Addie."

"Gosh, Savannah, I know. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner."

"You didn't tell me at all. I found out when you almost died… again."

"Sav…"

"No, Addie, six months ago…" she pauses, "Who's the father?"

" _Red, what's going on? Where's Derek?"_

" _I don't know," I shrug then I look at him and with a smirk, "I don't want to talk about him."_

" _How long?" I ask him simply. He looks at me questionably so I ask again, "How long have you been in love with me?"_

 _He's about to say something quick in response which is more than likely a lie so I cut him off, "I'm a woman, Mark, I can see it. You don't have to come up with a lie."_

 _He blushes then puts down his glass as he searches for what to say. He finally asks, "How long have you known?"_

" _That's not the question at hand," I smirk._

" _Fine, I've been in love with you since the day Derek introduced me to you. I hated myself for letting him get to you first," he says then he smirks._

 _I just stare at him. I don't know what comes over me but next thing I know is I'm all over him. We're kissing as we're making our way to the bed. I can feel the heat start to rush through my body. I needed this. I rip off his shirt and he takes off his pants. He lifts me up and I can feel him in between my legs even with his underwear on as he carries me over to the bed. He takes off my shirt and lays me down gently as he kisses me down my neck. He continues between my breasts all the way down my stomach. I let out this god awful moan as he kisses across my waist line._

" _God, Red, you don't know how long I've waited for this moment," he whispers in between kissing my ear. "You're even more beautiful than I imagined."_

" _Mark," I manage to moan out, "make love to me."_

I love driving through Washington Park. The views of Lake Washington & Cascade Mountains are to die for and I love the understated, distinctive, timeless historical neighborhood homes. They fit in quite well with our little modernized castle I fell in love with the moment we stepped inside. Lucky me, it was the best fit for both of us and we moved in the moment we could. I'm glad we did because it would've been horrible having to come home to a hotel room after being in the hospital for three days from a head concussion.

As we pull into our driveway, I can't help but think about Savannah's words… Who's the father? Derek raped me and only a couple of days later did I find myself in bed with Mark Sloan. God, I feel like such a slut. Some days, even with all the good that came with meeting Meredith, I still find myself back in Manhattan stuck on Derek and I's bedroom floor… it's those days when I don't feel like I've made any progress at all. It's days like today.

 _I think to myself… just one cut and this could all be over. I stare down at my wrists. What brought me to this point? I don't know. I can't think. There's no peace inside my head. All the intelligence I had, all the confidence, everything that made me Addison washed away along time ago. The only thing that's left of me is anger and frustration._

 _My demons are bursting to be free; the walls of the cages that kept them in are finally caving. I lay out my left arm in front of me and I pick up the scalpel with free hand._

 _"Just be brave, Addie," I say to myself as I cut deep into my wrists. Blood rushes out of my veins and onto the carpet beneath me. I feel a slight tingle but no real pain. A Calmness comes over me; I feel so at ease._

" _Fuck everyone that made me like this," I say quietly to myself. Fuck my mother, fuck my father, fuck Derek… the list could go on._

 _I just want this to be over. I dig deeper into my skin as tears stream down my cheeks. My head starts to feel heavy and I get dizzy. My world starts to go black and I succumb to the darkness._

 _Finally._

"Hey," Meredith draws me out of my thoughts.

I look over to her and I force out a smile, "Hey."

"I figured you would've been laying down or something," she says walking into the room with a tray of tea and crackers.

I turn to look back out of the window at the neighborhood kids running about. It's a Friday afternoon, a couple of days from Halloween. It's crazy to think that this time next year I'd have a little baby to actually take out trick-or-treating for a change… It's so surreal to me.

I turn back to Meredith now with a shrug, "I laid around for three days… You know surgeons are no good with bed rest or just taking a break, really. Those things are foreign in our world."

"All for the love of surgery," Meredith chuckles sitting the tray down on the nightstand.

She envelops me in her arms and I melt in her warmth. I let out a sigh, "Honestly, I just want to get back to work."

"Addie… You know you can't go back to work for another week…"

"Yeah but I can't stay pinned up in the house all week. Don't get me wrong, I love the house but Mer…"

"I'll take the week off too… We'll go shopping… we'll go out to eat everyday… I'll wait on you hand and foot…"

"Okay, now that you put it that way… maybe I should take off work for the rest of the year," I grin and Meredith just laughs.

She shakes her head at me, "You know what? I wouldn't even mind."

" _You're drinking all of these by yourself?" I look up to see a light brownish-blonde woman with these huge gray eyes staring down at me._

 _She makes me blush… I don't know why. I haven't had a crush on a woman since college. I giggle, "Oh. no. These are me and my friends' but they went to dance. We were trying all the drinks on the menu."_

" _Ah, you see," she motions at the chair, "May I sit?" I nod telling her yes as she sits down and continues, "This may sound weird… Oh gosh, I hope this doesn't come across as too weird but um, I knew these weren't all your drinks. I saw you and your friends come in earlier and I've been wanting to talk to you since but I just didn't have the nerve. My friends' forced me to come over here since I wouldn't do it on my own."_

 _She motions towards the remaining four people from the table near us and they all wave which makes her blush and me laugh._

" _I'm Meredith by the way and you're fucking gorgeous," she runs her hand through her hair, "I'd offer to buy you a drink but it looks like you have all of them already plus I'm more a shot person… Tequila to be exact."_

" _Then Tequila shots it is."_

"Addie, you ready?" Meredith calls out from the bottom of the stairs.

I throw on my coat and glimpse at myself in the mirror one more time before making my way out of our bedroom, "Yeah, here I come."

It took a lot of convincing on Meredith's part, she wanted to dress up for Halloween and I thought I was too fat, however today we're going out looking for costumes. Mer wanted to do a couples costume like Chucky and his wife or Frankenstein and his bride… they're both a little too morbid for me but that's Meredith's thing. I'd rather be like a princess or just throw on my scrubs and be a doctor. I was told that I'm too cliché. So we're going out to look for something we both like.

" _Okay, I realized that I've told you almost everything about me and have yet to get your name," she says holding onto my arm as we walk._

" _Oh my gosh, I didn't even realize I never told you my name. It's Addison," I say surprisingly easily. I almost forgot the horrors attached to my name but the moment I said it, the memories came rushing back. I close my eyes and I take a deep breath. I'm starting to feel faint again._

" _That's all I get?" She asks smiling up at me bringing me back to the present. I stand about three inches taller than her without shoes on._

" _Well, what do you wanna know?" I smile lovingly back. It's been awhile since anyone has taken genuine interest in me. I'm sure my own husband doesn't know my favorite color._

" _Oh, I don't know… Everything. Where you're from… You're favorite color… Favorite food… Favorite show growing up… Or were you a reader? Your favorite book? Did you play any sports back in school?"_

" _Wow," I laugh running my free hand throw my hair, "you really do want to know everything."_

" _Um, hum," she says, "I've got to know everything about my potential girlfri—."_

 _She stops short and I look down at her to see her blushing before she starts up again, "Sorry… We just met and my drunken self is already planning our life together. I really hope I don't run you away."_

 _I just laugh and she looks up at me with a smirk, "I really like you, Meredith. I'd love to be your girlfriend one day but I don't even live in Seattle or anywhere close really. I'm from New York well, I was raised in Connecticut. I'm a surgeon… an attending at Mt. Sinai in Manhattan and I have my own practice where my older brother also works. My favorite color is red, favorite food… I love Thai. I didn't have a favorite show… I got lost in books instead. I didn't play any sports. In highschool, I was a band geek with braces and a lisp."_

" _No way," she chimes in and I laugh nodding, "but look at you now. You couldn't have been. You're stunning."_

" _Oh, I was soo not stunning back in high school. No one noticed me really until college…" I say looking up to see we're getting a little further away from the group with each step._

" _I'm sure I would've noticed you… I don't see how anyone could not. When you walked through the door at the bar, I swear the world stopped just to let you walk in," I'm gazing into her eyes as she speaks. She adorably animated as she continues to speak, "I swear all eyes fell on you. You're quite intimidating you know. It took me all night to work up the courage to talk to you."_

 _In that moment, I don't know what came over me but I make the first move. I lean in and she doesn't stop me. The kiss lasts for minutes but it felt like a lifetime to me. I've never felt like this before… Not even with Derek back when we we're still happy._

" _How long are you going to be in L.A.?" Meredith asks when we finally break apart._

" _Oh, I don't know. I'm staying at my friend's house so I don't really have a set time."_

 _We hear shouting and people running when we look up to see the group running back. They ready to head out but they walked here and we drove so we're going opposite directions when we part._

" _It seems as though our time is up," I frown._

" _It doesn't have to be. Here," she says writing on a little torn off piece of paper she had in her pocket, "take my number. Maybe we can hang out tomorrow… And maybe this time sober." She jokes, "You may not like me sober."_

 _Her friends tug her away and she looks back to me and waves, "Goodbye, Addison!"_

 _I like my name when she says it… "Goodbye, Meredith."_

"Oh my god," my bestfriend squeals as she opens the door. She immediately reaches for my stomach, "You guys are zombies! Oh and the little baby arms and legs poking out your stomach! That's neat!"

"Yeah, and I see you're a sexy nurse," I comment as she lets us in the door.

She closes the door behind us then smiles showing off her teeth, "Actually I'm a sexy vampire nurse."

"Nice," I laugh taking a seat on the couch.

Meredith heads straight for the kitchen and calls out, "Did you need anymore help setting up?"

"Nope, I'm all done but the Tequila is in the freezer!" Calliope yells back knowing already what Meredith was looking for.

It makes me laugh, "You know her so well… Oh, is Arizona coming?"

"Yeah, she said she'd get here a little early to help set up but then she got called in to an emergency surgery so she's going to be a little late," she pouts.

I shake my head, "Oh, she'll be here Callie."

"I did the honors of making us margaritas," Meredith announces as she walks into the room handing a glass to Callie before passing me one as well, "A virgin for you, Miss."

" _How long have you two been married?"_

" _Eleven years… We got married when I was eighteen… In the beginning… I just, I would've never thought we'd end up this way," I shake my head and I look over to her. "He was sweet and loving. He was always there for me but these past couple of years, I don't know, it feels like he regrets everything he ever had with me. There were rumors around the hospital that he was jealous that I was better at my job than he was but we're not even in the same field."_

" _He's a surgeon too?"_

" _The worst kind…" I say slightly sarcastic… I've never met someone in Neuro who isn't cocky, "A neurosurgeon." I scuff, "I wasn't even trying to be better at my job… I just was and he hated me for it. I feel like the resentment started a couple of years ago but it didn't get as bad as him never coming home and blantly ignoring me until about six months ago. Then when all of a sudden he comes home and wants sex from me, it sets me off. I had had enough and I wanted him to know that. I just wanted him to listen… Instead, he got mad at me for pushing him away… He hit me…"_

 _Meredith gasps and squeezes my hand… I close my eyes as I force the rest of my words out, "He hit me and then, he threw me on the bed and forced himself inside me… My crying and fighting only made things worse… He said I was his wife and that I had to have sex with him whenever he deemed fit. When he was finished with me, he threw me onto the floor and suggested that I cleaned myself up. I swear it seems as though I never got up from that floor… Most of the time, I still feel like I'm there… sitting silently on my bedroom floor… It's like I can't pick up my life and carry on from that moment… I'm stuck there on the floor… I don't even know how long I sat there. I just know that around 8 pm the next night is when my friend, Savannah, came over worried because I missed her calls and didn't come into work. She thought maybe I was sick but once she found out what happened, she dragged me to L.A."_

 _When I open my eyes, I see Meredith in tears and she rests her head on my shoulder, "This just happened… I'm so sorry. We don't have to rush into anything… I know you're going to need time to heal. I'm just so sorry, Addison."_

 _I smile sadly and I wipe some tears off her face, "Hey, it's okay. I'm okay. I'm fine. Look at me, I'm still here."_

 _She smiles sadly up at me, "You're so strong, love. Even when you're hurting and dying inside, you still put on a brave face for everyone else. But listen, this isn't about anyone else. This is about you and you're allowed to cry. You're allowed to not be strong… To get all crazy and wild. It's okay not to be okay. You're friends, we, we are here to be strong for you."_

 _I almost start to cry but instead I hug her, "Thanks Meredith… A lot…"_

" _No, don't thank me. I haven't really done anything. I wish there was more I could do."_

" _Just being here with me is more than enough. For some odd reason," I joke with a smile, "I feel really comfortable around you. Before I met you, I couldn't even speak… I couldn't even hear my name because of how he used it that night… But you, you're changing me… For the better. So thank you… For just being here."_

I don't think I've seen so many drunk surgeons in one room. The music is so loud that I can barely hear my own voice and I can feel my heart beating in my head. I haven't seen Meredith for about ten minutes so I go looking for her. After passing by a few clowns, a couple of Star Wars characters, some cats, Batman and the Joker, I find Meredith out on the porch with a beer. Izzie is out here dressed as a witch and so is Cristina, who's dressed like a skeleton.

"Addison!" Izzie squealed throwing her arms around me, "Even as a pregnant zombie, you look hot!"

"Thanks, Stevens," I reply with a chuckle. She's clearly drunk because this is the first time she's really spoke to me since the Quints incident.

Cristina yanks Izzie off of me. As they begin to walk away, Cristina calls out over her shoulder, "Going to get a couple more beers, Mer!"

"Okay," she acknowledges her as I walk up beside her.

She kisses me softly on the lips the smiles up to me, "I know it sucks to be sober in a room full of drunks but are you having fun?"

"Yeah, lots… Did you get to see Robbins? She's a vampire surgeon. She and Callie did the couple thing too," I chuckle then I sigh remembering my headache, "My head hurts a little…"

"Have you had some water? I can get you some and call a cab to go home. Pick up the car in the morning?" she offers.

I shake my head taking a seat, "We don't have to leave. We're enjoying ourselves."

"Baby… we'll always be able to hang out with my friends. Your health is way more important," she says tumbling towards me with an even goofier grin than her natural one.

Izzie comes stumbling back out on the porch, "I lost Cristina in the crowd but I brought Tequila!"

" _You're not coming to bed?" he asks tiredly._

 _He wants to know if I'm going upstairs with him where I'll probably get my ass beaten or something worse… What do I say? No? Get my ass beaten right here on the spot? Or yes? And get my ass beaten later? Hum… I have to think about that one._

 _I don't say anything. I just grab my glass and the bottle putting both away then I make my way upstairs to the bedroom. I change into one of my pajama dresses then I tuck myself into bed. Derek gets in behind me and cuddles up on me. It makes me sick… Literally I want to puke. I just don't understand how he can just act like nothing happened… It literally doesn't make sense to me._

 _He starts to move his hand up and down my body. I can feel him getting hard against my thigh as he continues to rub his hands down my legs. I want to tell him to stop but I don't want to be hit again… so I just let it happen… I hate myself for not even trying to fight. He rolls over on top of me and whips his penis out of his shorts. I close my eyes and I look away as him shoves himself instead me. It hurts so much. I want to cry out in pain but I know it will do more harm than good. I say nothing; I do nothing. I just lay there emotionless._

" _You know you enjoy this, Addison," he smirks as he grabs me by my face and forces me to look at him. "I know this is exactly want you want."_

 _I don't respond and I guess it made him angrier. He grabbed me by my neck and after a few seconds, I'm at a lost for breath. I wish he would just end it now. I wish he would just stop torturing me and kill me now._

 _After another half hour, it seems as though Derek has had enough of me. He gets up and starts pacing around the room. "You worthless piece of shit! You're not even good for sex! If I wanted to have a sex with an emotionless plank, I would've fucked a robot! You know what get out!"_

 _Derek grabs a coat and throws it me along with some shoes. He picks me up off the bed and starts walking out the room then down the stairs. Once I realize that he is actually throwing me out, I freak, "Derek, stop! Please!"_

" _Oh, now you have some freaking emotions? Well it's too late now, Addison," he says while swinging the door open then literally dropping me on my ass on the front porch._

 _He throws the coat and my shoes down on top of me then closes the door. I can hear it lock. A second later lightning strikes and I realize I'm soaking wet. I should be in pain but I'm numb. I bet he is expecting me to beg by the door until he opens it but that's not what I'm going to do. I put on my coat and shoes then I walk out of the yard._

"Meredith, I haven't been completely honest with you," I pause looking up to her from the couch.

She walks around it with two mugs of tea in her hands, "I figured that something was up with you."

"Ever since I fell down the stairs, I've been having flashbacks… it's like every time I close my eyes," I sigh, "I should've told you two weeks ago when it first happened. I'm sorry. I just thought I was over it."

"Baby, that's not something that you can just get over," she says putting the tea down on the coffee table, "You don't have to be sorry. I'm glad you told me. You know you can talk to me about anything and I'll try the very best I can to help. I'm no professional but if you think maybe a professional could help… did you want to try that?"

"Yeah," I nod, "Maybe."

I felt a flutter in my stomach and it makes me jump. Meredith looks over at me, "Are you okay?"

"Let me see your hand," she reaches over to me and I move her hand over to the spot where I first felt it, "Just hold on a second."

"Oh my god," she says when she feels it too. She grins over at me with tears in her eyes, "Did our baby just kick?"

"Oh, you're such a sensitive little baby," I grin wiping away her tears, "I love you."


	15. Chapter Fifteen

_"We start over. We start fresh. We start clean. We stay a family. We make a change for the better." ㅡ Addison Montgomery_

 **Chapter 15: A Rued Awakening**

I wake to the sound of the doorbell ringing. Rolling over in bed, I realize that I'm alone. I sit up quickly calling out, "Meredith?"

The doorbell rings again. When I get no response, I finally crawl out of bed throwing a robe over my pajamas. I see a note on the dresser from Meredith saying she got called into an emergency surgery and didn't want to wake me. I smile softly to myself making my way down the stairs but not before the doorbell rings again. Whoever is behind my door better be dying or about to die… the way they're ringing my doorbell is irksome. I probably should've looked through the peephole before swinging open the door because there stood the one and only, Mark Sloan…

"Red!" he smiles but then it quickly fades when he finally looks at me, "Wow, I uh, I didn't believe it…"

"Mark," I say rolling my eyes, "What are you doing here?"

"Uh, Savannah… She told me you were in Seattle and that you were, uh, pregnant. I had to come and see for myself," he shrugs shyly.

I roll my eyes letting him inside then closing the door behind him. I watch as he takes in the place, "So, this is your new home? It's gorgeous. Very Addison like."

"Mark," I sigh, "There must be something else you wanted."

"I, uh, how far along are you?"

"Thirty-one weeks," I answer crossing my arms.

He finally turns around to face me, "Addison, am I the father?"

"Honestly," I sigh, "I don't know."

"Well, I want to know," he says.

I shake my head, "It doesn't matter."

"Yes, it does… especially if that's my baby."

"It's my baby."

"Our baby, Addison, I want to be in your life."

"Mark, listen, I'm not in love with you… I never was and I don't need you. I have someone to take care of me and my child…"

"Red…"

"Mark," I sigh, "I'm sorry but it's true. I was just using you. I was sad and I was hurting… I had just been raped by my husband and I used you because I wanted to feel something again. I'm sorry for taking advantage of you butㅡ"

"It doesn't matter. If that baby is mine, I want to be apart of it's life. Okay? I won't bother you and your relationship… I'm, I'm sorry… I just, Addison, I have nothing… no one, no family, I lost my two best friends… and if that baby is mine, I want to be its father."

"Fine."

"What?" he finally looks up at me.

I cave, smiling softly, "Fine, if you want to get tested for paternity then we'll do it today… but Mark, if the baby isn't yours please, just go back to New York."

Mark sat downstairs in the living room while I showered and got ready to head to the diagnosis center. Before joining him downstairs, I called Meredith to warn her what was happening. She didn't sound upset nor did she sound pleased. It was one thing telling her that this could be his baby but for him to show up here unannounced? That's not okay and I'd totally understand if she were upset but of course Meredith, being Meredith, is okay with everything… Gosh, I really hope this is real… I hope this is true.

"Okay, you'll get your test results in three-to-five days," the woman says to me handing Mark and I a pamphlet, "You'll receive a phone call sometime between then."

"Thanks," Mark smiles as we make our way out of the room.

I'm just ready to get out of here. It's my day off but I'm thinking about going in… either that or going to see my therapist. You know, she's actually really good at her job. I haven't had any nightmares is two weeks and no panic attacks. I've been eating well and taking care of myself… I feel better physically and mentally. I thought I was finally ready to move on with my life until Mark Sloan showed up here. Now I have to face a fear that I didn't think I would have to until after the baby was born. What if this baby isn't Mark's? What if it's Derek's baby? I don't know if I'll be able to handle that.

"Red?" Mark's voice pulls me out of my thoughts.

We're standing right outside the testing center. I turn to him still lost in thought, "I think I'm going to go ahead into work. I'll, uh, call when I know anything."

"Addison," he calls after me.

I shake my head turning to walk away, "No, Mark."

"Addie, sweetie," Meredith's voice whispers to me later while we're lying on the bed together, "You okay?"

"Yeah," I say turning to look at her, "I'm fine."

"Really?"

"Okay, no, not really… I'm just nervous," I shrug.

She nods into my shoulder, "You're afraid the baby is Derek's."

"Yeah," I choke out as I feel tears well up in my eyes.

She snuggles in closer to me, "You're going to be fine. We'll be fine."

"What if I don't love the baby?"

"Addie, that's ridiculous… You're going to love this baby no matter what and you know it."

"I―I," I say wiping away a tear, "I know."

"And whatever happens, we'll get through it… together."

The next two days were kind of a blur to me filled with screaming moms and crying babies; the typical day of an OB/GYN but like on a loop. Maybe I threw myself into work to avoid the mess that's going on in my personal life? Whatever I'm doing… it's not working. Being at work around all these pregnant people only makes me think about the growing thing inside me even more.

"Addie," Callie's voice pulls me out of my thoughts.

I turn to her still dazed, "Yeah?"

"Can we talk for a minute?"

"Uh, yeah, sure," I shrug then she leads me into a nearby on-call room.

Once she gets the door closed behind us she turns to me, "So, I met Mark."

"Oh, god. He's still here? I thought maybe he'd gone back to New York," I roll my eyes.

She laughs, "He was at Joe's the other night."

"Oh," I change the subject, "I heard Arizona won the Carter Madison grant."

"Yeah," she nods, "the big move to Africa is really just around the corner."

"How are you handling that?"

"Uh, pretty simple, actually… I'm going with her," she says and my mouth drops open, "That's uh, kind of what I wanted to talk to you about."

"You're moving to Africa?"

"It's only for three years andㅡ"

"You're moving to Africa."

"Addie, I'm sorry. I know I said I would be here for you…"

"No, it's fine. I'm happy for you," I smile giving her a hug, "Congratulations. So, uh, when do you guys leave?"

"Uh, in a couple of days…"

"Oh."

"I just decided that I was going this morning and…"

"Callie, you don't have to explain… I'm happy for you two, really," I smile, "I'll just miss my best friend."

"Oh I'll miss you too, Addie but we're like sisters now," she nods, "You won't ever lose me… I'm sure we'll always Skype and we can all hang out for these last few days."

And that's what we did. For the next three days, Callie, Arizona, Meredith and I went to all of our favorite places in Seattle from food places, to the market to clubs. We went everywhere we could think of and spent the last night at home for a special send-off. They all got really drunk while sipped on my Virgin Martini's all night and we told stories back from when we first met each other.

It was pretty fun and unforgettable… I'm sure Callie and Arizona are probably regretting it this morning. It's probably pretty unwise to be hungover during an eighteen hour flight. My phone rings and I check the time instead of checking the caller ID. It's six in the morning… it has to be the hospital.

I pick up the phone, "Hello?"

"Addison," was said through sobs.

I check the phone for caller ID and I see that it's Callie. I press the phone back to my ear, "Honey, what's going on? What's wrong?"

"Arizona and I broke up… She left for Africa without me," she sobs, "I told her that I was hesitant to go and she left."

"Sweetie, where are you?"

"I'm still at the airport."

"I'm on my way to get you."

I don't bother waking Meredith. She has an early surgery and I know she'll be hungover so the more sleep for her the better. I do leave a glass a water, some aspirin and a note to let her know where I'm headed.

I pull up at the airport only an hour later which is surprising due to rush hour traffic this morning. I see a devastated Callie sitting alone on a bench outside the gates and I park my car in front of her. I get out of the car making my way over to my best friend and I sit down beside her on the bench. She doesn't even get any words out before she starts to sob again.

"Oh, sweetie, what happened?"

 _"And, you know, sure, there's not a lot to do over there, but, uh, that just means less to distract us from the medicine. It'll just be us focusing on the medicine, which is great," Callie smiles walking beside Arizona through the airport. Arizona stops suddenly and Callie turns to her, "What? Oh my god. Did you forget your passport?"_

 _"I won the Carter Madison grant. I won the Carter Madison grant. Do you know how rare that is? Do you know how special that is?" Arizona starts to rant, "This is the biggest opportunity of my professional career. IㅡI get to go to Malawi with almost unlimited funds and help children… help tiny humans… who might otherwise never see a pediatric surgeon. I get to change lives. That's the dream. I am living the dream. And I am over the moon about it. Or IㅡI would be, but you are ruining it for me… first with your whining and now with your fake, smiley, passive-aggressive enthusiasm. You are ruining Africa for me."_

 _"IㅡI'm not."_

 _"You are!"_

 _"Okay. Fine. I don't want to go to Africa. Okay? But I do want to be with you. Okay? So I'm really trying here," Callie admits, "We're gonna miss our plane. Let's go… Oh, god. Okay. You want to fight? The flight's eighteen hours. We can fight on the plane."_

 _"You're ruining this for me and I don't want to do this," Arizona crosses her arms._

 _Callie looks at her confused, "What… what d… so what does that mean? What, you suddenly don't want to go or…"_

 _"I don't want to go to Africa with you."_

 _"Arizona… No. Okay? No. I'm sorry."_

 _"You're sorry?"_

 _"It's three years…" Callie pleads._

 _Arizona shakes her head, "I'm gonna miss my plane. You take care of yourself."_

 _"No. No! Please. Please. I can… We can… we can do this," Callie pleads, "We can… we can figure this out."_

 _"You stay here… and be happy. And I'll go there… and be happy," Arizona says turning around and walking away._

 _Callie yells after her, "If you get on that plane, if you go without me, we are done. Do you hear me? We are over!"_

 _"We are standing In the middle of an airport screaming at each other," Arizona stops and turns around only for a second, "We're already over."_

The drive back home was pretty silent. Callie asked for me to drop her off at Joe's and I would've offered to go with her if I weren't pregnant nor had to work. It's only nine in the morning but I can't judge… I've taken the day off for drinking before… Honestly, I just want to hurry home, climb into my bed and spend the next two hours sleeping before I have head into work at noon.

When I get home, Meredith is still asleep. I'm about to crawl into bed with her when my phone rings. Looking at the caller ID, I see that it's the diagnosis center. I close my eyes taking a long breath before I answer the phone.

"Hello, Dr. Montgomery speaking."

* * *

 **Hi, everyone! Are you guys still reading? o.O Leave me some reviews! I'd love to know what you all think so far and what you'd like to see in the future.**


	16. Chapter Sixteen

_"I want to be the center of someone's world and I want them to be the center of my world. I want them to sacrifice for me and with me." ― Addison Montgomery_

 **Chapter 16: Holly Jolly**

"No peeking," she says while she escorts me through the house.

I laugh, "How am I supposed to peek with your hands over my eyes?"

"You really can't see?"

"I really can't see, Mer…"

"Okay," she stops us, "I couldn't wait until Christmas…"

"You couldn't wait until tomorrow?"

"Nope," she says finally uncovering my eyes.

I open them to the door of one of our spare bedrooms, "You put me through all of this to show me a door?"

"Open it up, dummy," she jokes.

I roll my eyes at her and I open up the door, "Oh my god!"

We walk into an all white nursery complete with a changing station, dresser, rocking chair and cute little baby elephant stencils on the walls. She even added little white shelves on the walls for storage and it looks like she got that crib that turns from a bassinet, to a baby bed to a big kid bed.

Walking up to the crib, I squeal realizing I was right, "You got the three-in-one crib?"

"I saw you basically drool over it at the store," she smiles, "So you like it?"

"This is perfect. I love you," I say taking her in for a deep kiss, "So this is why I haven't seen you at the hospital today."

"I can't take all the credit… Mark helped," she shrugs.

I giggle holding her close to me, "I'll be sure to thank him."

"I figured we'd get everything else we need after the baby shower," she shrugs.

I smile, "I love it. Thank you."

I'm not due until the week of Valentine's Day so we planned to have the baby shower in January. Mark has been through the moon since he found out that the baby actually is his and honestly, I'm glad too. I don't know if I'd be able to handle the fact that I was carrying Derek's baby. The only downside to Mark being the father of my child is that he moved across the hall from my best friend and he's working at the hospital… I know Richard wouldn't have it any other way but I wish he wasn't all up in my face all the time. For instance, the day after we received the news, he came to me with name suggestions, a Yankees onesie and calendar marking the baby's due date. He said although we aren't in New York anymore, the baby is still a New Yorker therefore, has to love the Yankees by default.

We figured since we have a new house, we'd hold Christmas dinner at our place this year. We invited Callie, Mark, Richard, Adele, Cristina, Izzie, George, Alex and Meredith's sister, Lexie. Although, Meredith still hates the idea of her, she feels bad for always pushing her aside… Turns out, Thatcher isn't anything but a drunk nowadays and Lexie doesn't have anyone to spend Christmas with since her sister has her own family now. I sort of guilted Meredith into invited her because watching Meredith brush her off was getting kind of sad.

Since neither one of us can cook, we found a restaurant to cater our meal. The food won't be ready until this evening but Meredith still has some last minute shopping to do. I finished shopping for all of my friends but Meredith still has to find something for Cristina and Alex. That's how we ended up outside in the snow on Christmas Eve.

Walking through the mall for about the hundredth time this month, I immediately head for the pretzel stand. We've been here literally every day looking for Christmas gifts so the workers at the pretzel stand know me by name and even make me customizable pretzels.

"Hey, Addison," one of the younger girls wave to me as I walk up to the stand, "What can we make for you today?"

"Hey, Krista," I smile, "I'm kind of in the mood for just a cinnamon pretzel today."

"What? You're not having your weird pregnancy cravings right now?" Meredith jokes then turns to the counter to order, "I'll have one of those Jalapeño Cheddar pretzels."

"Actually, can I get the same thing she's having but light on the jalapeños, heavy on the cheese and cinnamon sugar," I ask with a smile.

Meredith turns her nose up at me, "A jalapeño cheddar cinnamon sugar pretzel? Gross."

"Coming right up," Krista laughs.

A few minutes later and were back walking through the mall. I follow Meredith into three different stores and every one we walk out empty-handed. She says she wants to get something that screams them but the only thing she can think of that Cristina would like is surgery. We go looking into Spencer's for Alex. She finally found something for him in there and were back walking through the mall again.

She turns to me, "I give up."

"How about you actually give her a surgery?"

"I can't do that… I don't have any surgeries…"

"I do… Got a routine c-section scheduled for the day after tomorrow."

"You'd do that for me?"

"I'd do anything for you," I grin as a alarm goes off around the mall. I look over to Meredith and point up to the roof as fake snow starts to fall, "I will never not love the snow showers."

"Me too," she smiles that adorable smile that makes my heart melt, "I love you."

"I love you."

"Cristina is going to flip out tomorrow," she twirls in the snow on with a huge smile on her face. I'm glad I can make her so happy.

We make out way out of the mall and back to our car. It's around the time for the food to be picked up so I call the restaurant letting them know we're on the way. We drive through downtown Seattle passing the harbor in the process. It's decked out in Christmas lights. We've been meaning to go but every night we planned to, we ended up getting called into a surgery. Luckily, tonight were not on the clock nor are either of us on-call so when the sun sets, we're coming back here to the harbor to see the light show.

By the time we make it home and unload the food from the car it's already dark. So, after we got everything into the fridge we make our way back out into the night. We pull up at the harbor only about fifteen minutes later. Because it's so cold out, the first place I head to is Pike Place for some much needed Juju. I get Mer some coffee, she prefers it over hot chocolate, then I make my way back over to her with two festive red cups.

"Oh, I forgot they do the red cups during the holidays," she says when I join her at her side, "I never go to Starbucks anymore since I'm always at the hospital."

"Uck, don't get me started on that horrible hospital coffee," I say clutching unto my cup for warmth.

We start our descend through the harbor looking at all the Christmas lights. We walk pass Santa on his sleigh and are coming up on the Nativity Scene when Meredith turns to me with a small smile, "Have you been thinking more about baby names?"

"Actually, no, I haven't…" I trail off thinking about the day after we got the test results back, "You know who has though?"

"Mark," she sighs already knowing where I was going with that.

I shrug, "I didn't get him anything for Christmas…"

"I want so badly not to like him but he's been so helpful, Addie… and he is our baby's father…"

"What are you saying?"

"If Mark wants to name the baby, he can. That could be his Christmas present," she offers up.

I look at her surprised, "Wow, that's really big of you, Grey."

"Only the first name though," she corrects.

I laugh then I smile, "I want the baby to be a Grey."

"But won't your family disown it if it's not a Forbes-Montgomery?"

"Fine, a Forbes Montgomery-Grey."

"It's settled then," she beams and I wrap my arm around hers as we continue our walk through the harbor.

I wake Christmas morning to the smell of cinnamon and pancakes with Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree playing quietly on the surround sound speakers through the house. I slowly make my way out of the bed and I throw on my robe. I waddle through the hallway and carefully make my way down the stairs. Meredith must have heard me coming because as I round the corner into the kitchen she has mug waiting on me full of hot cocoa and cute little Christmas themed marshmallows in them.

"Good morning," I smile sipping my cocoa, "Mmm… Merry Christmas, baby."

"Merry Christmas, beautiful," she kisses me softly while still flipping pancakes.

I shake my head laughing, "I thought you wanted to go out for breakfast this morning."

"Eh," she shrugs, "I figured since we didn't actually cook dinner, I could at least make you some breakfast… Believe it or not, I make some mean pancakes."

"They smell delicious," I nod as she slides a couple unto plates, "sweet."

"They're cinnamon sugar," she confirms, "I have melted cheese just for you… and I made some turkey bacon, cheese grits and eggs."

"You really know the way to my heart," I grin sipping on my cocoa.

After breakfast, we make our way into the living room and I flop down on the couch. Meredith crawls under the tree and starts pulling out gifts. I watch as she pulls out gift by gift and I'm surprised at the number she pulls out.

"Whoa, I hope all those aren't for me," I call out from the couch.

She grins, "Sort of."

"Sort of?"

"Most of them are for the baby…" she admits.

I laugh, "So you lied yesterday…"

"Not exactly," she giggles, "I said we'd buy more things after the baby shower… but I didn't say that I didn't have more stuff already."

"You're really cute," I smile as she walks over to me with two small boxes, one medium sized long one and a medium sized square box, "What's this?"

"Open it," she urges.

I unwrap the medium sized one first and it's a Tom Ford Beauty Limited Edition Lip & Nail Box, "You didn't… Oh my god… you love me."

"I do," she grins.

It comes with eight lipsticks with matching color nail polishes, "I don't think there's any gift greater than this."

"You haven't opened the other boxes yet," she pouts.

I take the other medium sized box and open it up. I pull out a plush animal; a Certificate of Adoption; a huge poster with the cutest little white fox on it and a magnetic calendar. I look up to her with a huge smile on my face, "You adopted me an arctic fox?"

"I figured that it fit," she shrugs.

I just smile, "I love you."

"I know you do," she laughs.

She hands me a small box and I open it up to a little square box, "a Laser Projection Virtual Keyboard?"

"For your office," she grins.

I pull her in for a kiss, "Thank you, Meredith. This is the best Christmas I've ever had."

"Really?" she giggles then gets down on one knee, "It's just starting."

"Meredith, what are you doing?"

"Shh, just let me finish," she opens up the last box, "Addison… I've been ready to ask you this since the moment I saw you walk into that bar in Seattle. I love you. I love you so much and I want to spend the rest of my life with you… with you and our baby. I'm ready and Addie, I know you are too… So I'm going to ask, Will you marry me?"

"Ye―" I start to cry, "Yes, oh my god."

"Oh, good," she lets out a breath and giggles are she slides the diamond on my finger, "I was really hoping you'd say yes."

"Oh," I say getting up from the couch and walking into the hall closet, "You, um, sort of beat me to it."

"To what?"

"Here, I got you this," I say walking back out to the living room to join her.

She takes the box and pulls out a necklace with a ring attached, "Oh, wow. It's gorgeous."

"You can, uh, take it off the necklace," I say with a shrug as she runs her fingers along the necklace.

She giggles and it just melts my heart, "I can't believe this is happening."

"Did you wanna see the rest of your gifts?"

"I don't think I need anything else," she smiles sliding the ring on her finger and tries to put on her necklace, "I have everything I need right here."

"Come here," I call her over and I snap the necklace on her before pointing under the tree, "You see the two red boxes over there?"

"These big ones?" she ask grabbing them from under the tree.

I shrug, "Open it."

"Ooh," she says in awe when she pulls out the Waterford London Desktop Bar.

I grin, "It's made out of crystal and leather; imported straight from London."

"This… is… gorgeous," she says running her hands across it. It came with four leather coasters, a leather tray, two crystal decanters, two crystal double old-fashioned glasses, and two crystal highball glasses. She looks up at me, "How much did this cost?"

"I'm not telling you," I say pointing to the other box, "Open the other one."

"Ultra-Premium Ley. 925 Pasion Azteca… Addison," she pauses looking at me, "This is the most expensive bottle of Tequila in the world… and I know my tequilas."

"You're worth it," I grin.

She shakes her head laughing, "I won't open it until after you're done breastfeeding so we can try it together."

We opened the baby's gifts together… Meredith got the baby a couple of toys from a huge white stuffed bear to a couple of learning activities. She also got a couple of gender neutral baby outfits and already picked out the baby's coming home from the hospital outfit. It was so cute seeing her so overjoyed. We took a shower together after then started to get ready for the busy day ahead of us. Luckily we didn't have much to clean except all the wrapping paper from this morning. Setting the table was easy… the hardest part was following the instructions to reheat the food.

Our guests start arriving and it turns out George won't be able to make it. His family called last minute requesting that he'd come home. Everyone came bearing gifts, even Three, Meredith won't let me call her by name so we ended up calling her by the number Cristina gave her interns. We directed them under the tree and decided that we'd open gifts after dinner.

By the end of the night, everyone but Meredith and I are pretty toasted. Meredith already told Cristina about her Christmas gift so she's been super excited since dinner. I watch as everyone is swaying to the music and chatting happily; Meredith is even talking to her sister. I guess the holidays really does change people.

"Hey," Mark smiles softly walking up to me.

I smile offering him a seat on the couch, "Hey, Mark… Meredith told me that you helped a lot with the nursery and everything… and I, uh, just wanted to say thanks."

"You don't need to thank me. I'm just doing my part," he shrugs sipping his eggnog.

I smile squeezing his hand, "You can name the baby."

"What?" his grin stretches across his face.

I roll my eyes, "Only the first name."

"Elliot, if it's a boy and Ella, if it's a girl," he shouts.

I shake my head, "You sure?"

"I've been thinking about this for a long time," he nods, "I'm sure."

"Merry Christmas, Mark."

The new year came around way too fast for me. It felt like it was Christmas just yesterday and now it's New Year's Eve. We're about to head over to Callie's for her New Year's party but I'm waiting on Meredith to get out of surgery at the hospital. I worked today as well but I only had two surgeries. I'm trying to slow down my workload right before I go on maternity leave so my patients can get used to me not being around.

A knock on my door and behind it a grinning dirty blonde, let's me know that her surgery was a success and she was ready to head across the street to Callie's. We decided to park at the hospital since Callie's is literally across the street and technically we're both still on-call.

At the party, I run into my favorite Chief Resident, Miranda. She's standing over by the champagne fountain staring at all the commotion in front of us. Her, now residents then, interns are are playing beer pong over on the other side of the room. I shake my head making my way beside her as I sip on my cider.

"Hey, Miranda. Happy New Year."

"Hey, Addison. I see your fiancee has found her band of nitwits," she says and I can't help but laugh.

Her comment makes me wonder, "What were they like as interns?"

"Alex was lazy, Izzie was whiny, Meredith was downright depressing, Cristina was annoying and George," she pauses looking at me, "I used to think he was a puppy but he ended up being my favorite."

"Hey guys," Callie says walking up to us as Bailey's pager goes off.

She looks at it before walking away, "Duty calls."

"So, what's up?"

"I have… news."

"News?"

"I don't know if it's good or bad."

"Oh, Callie, I'm sure it can't be that bad," I say placing my hand on her shoulder, "You want some champagne or something? Take the load off?"

"That's the thing: I can't… I'm pregnant… with Mark's baby," she says and my jaw drops.

I can't help but laugh, "Wow."

"So you're not mad?"

"Oh, god, no. I just think it's funny…" I sip on my cider, "He got you too."

"Shut up," she rolls her eyes, "I was really sad about the break up and well, he was right across the hall… I'm sorry I didn't tell you but… well, you have good taste and uh, our babies will be siblings?"

We both just break out into laughter. I can't wait to tell Meredith this when we get home. I don't get the chance to say more before someone runs in from the living room letting us know the countdown is starting. Callie and I are about to head that way until the doorbell rings. She goes to answer the door and there standing behind it was Arizona.

This isn't going to end well.


	17. Chapter Seventeen

" _You know the idea of me having a kid and not being able to control what happens… It's thrilling and terrifying. And I imagine this baby kicking inside of me and riding a bike, going to prom, heartbreak, weddings, and births. I imagine all of these moments in this person's life... all of this possibility. And I hope... I hope we get to have them." ― Addison Montgomery_

 **Chapter 17: It's A…**

"Addie…" a sweet voice sings out, waking me from my sleep.

I open my eyes slowly looking up to her, "Umm, good morning. Happy Valentine's day."

"Happy Valentine's day. Breakfast in bed for my beautiful fiancee," she smiles sitting the tray down in front of me.

I look it over and my stomach growls, "Mhmm… This smells delicious."

"I hope it taste as good as it smells," she laughs awkwardly scratching the back of her neck.

I smile reaching for my love as I pull her close to me and plant sweet kisses up her neck all the way to her lips, "I'm sure it'll taste amazing. Thank you."

"Mhmm," Meredith opens her eyes smiling.

I pat the empty space next to me and she crawls over to join me, "Don't you have to work today?"

"Nope, Cristina gladly took my shift when she saw I had two surgeries today," she smiles cuddling up to my side, "I know you planned dinner for this evening so I figured maybe we could do a little shopping… go to the spa…"

"You had me at shopping," I stop her in the middle of her sentence with a quick kiss before digging into my food.

I'm forty weeks and due anytime now. I was told that I could go on like normal literally until my water broke. This pregnancy had been an easy one… thanks to my support team, Meredith, Callie and surprisingly, Mark. I didn't think he was father material but he's changed… Well, he kind of has too since he is about to be a father to two. But it's like he's grown over these last few weeks and… I'm actually extremely proud of him.

After breakfast, I take a quick shower then get dressed and made up. I might be ten months pregnant but I'm still going to stunt… _Addison Montgomery can never not look her best._ By the time I'm done and make my way downstairs, Meredith is already waiting for me at the door.

Making our way out of an ice cream shop and back onto the street, Meredith smiles up at me, "So, I've been thinking about our wedding…"

"I know you hate big weddings―"

"You never let me finish," she laughs cutting me off, "Yes, I hate big weddings but I love you… and you love big weddings so… let's have a big wedding."

"I've been thinking about our wedding too…" I smile softly, "I mean I've been here before. I've done this already. The first time you get married―I mean, I had this very large fairy tale wedding. You know, with the music and the flowers and the dress… I don't need that again. I don't want that. I rather have something small… me, you… and some close friends."

"I love you," Meredith says kissing me as we walk into the doors of the spa.

I come out feeling more relaxed than ever. It's about twelve noon now and Meredith wants to check out this store across before we head back to the house. On our way across the street, my water breaks and I can't help but squeal.

Meredith looks over at me, "Something wrong?"

"No… my water broke," I squeal again and this time Meredith squeals too.

Then she panics, "Wait, we're not ready. I didn't finish picking out the baby's middle name… And we don't have anything with us. The bag is at home and so is the car seat. I have to get you to the hospital and then―"

"Meredith, relax," I smile softly cutting her off, "We still have a little time before we need to go the hospital. We can go home first."

About three hours later, I'm laying in a hospital bed feeling amazing thanks to this epidural. Meredith stepped out into the hall to call Mark, since he's technically the father, and Callie, my best friend and the godmother to our child, letting them know I was in labor. I've never seen Meredith so frantic… She's acting like all the first time expectant fathers that I deal with on a daily and I'm too high to calm her down… but watching her pace outside the room is pretty entertaining.

Callie and Arizona come in, about two hours later, with a huge white bear and balloons. I'm glad to see the two of them together again. I thought when Arizona got back on New Year's to find Callie pregnant that everything would be over for the two of them. However, Arizona apologized and begged for forgiveness. Callie told her that although she loved her and would love to spend the rest of her life with her, she was pregnant with Mark's baby. Surprisingly, Arizona agreed to raise the child with her; just disliked the fact that Mark would be a permanent part of their lives… but who doesn't?

Speaking of, he walks into the room holding that stupid Yankees onesie in his hand, "How about this for the coming home outfit?"

"No," Meredith shakes her head intervening, "the baby will not be coming home in that."

"Alright, Addison," my OB, Dr. Shiva, smiles walking into the room, "looks like the clan is all here."

"Is it time for the baby to come?" Mark asks as she checks my cervix.

She nods, "As a matter of fact, yes. You're fully dilated. You going to be ready to push on the next contraction?"

"Yeah," I nod my head and I turn to Meredith with a soft smile.

She kisses me long and sweetly before grabbing my hand, "You can do this."

"Okay, here it comes," she queues the contraction and I start to push.

The contraction ends, "Great. You're doing great. I just need one more big push so I can clear the shoulders."

"Okay," I managed to get out between breaths right before another contraction.

I watch Meredith's face contort as I squeeze her hand, "Okay… okay, stop. Good."

Fifteen seconds later, I hear the cries of our baby fill the room. I look over at Meredith and she's crying too. Meredith turns to me and smiles, "She's beautiful. You didn't tell me she'd be so beautiful."

"It's a girl?!" Mark grins. I'm sure he's glad to have more beautiful women in his life.

I'm handed the baby girl before Dr. Shiva looks up, "Who's cutting the cord?"

"Me," Meredith smiles through her tears as she cuts the cord. She comes back to me and kisses me softly on the forehead, "Look what you did. She's beautiful."

"What we did," I squeeze her hand. I wouldn't have gotten this far without her.

Meredith nods wiping her tears away, "Ella Elizabeth Sloane."

"Sloan?" Mark asks.

Meredith nods, "With an E. Ella Elizabeth Sloane Forbes Montgomery-Grey."

"I, so, can not wait for this," I overhear Callie say to Arizona.

Arizona smiles sweetly kissing her and Callie's growing baby bump, "I can't wait for this either."

* * *

"There's throw up… on my face," Meredith says walking into our room.

I look up from my book to see a disgusted Meredith with baby spit up all over her face, "Awww, sweetie… Did you forget to burp Ella again?"

"I burped her… I swear, I burp her like twelve times!" she shouts walking into our joint bathroom, "I'm going to start calling her the throw up baby… because now I think she's doing it just to get a laugh out of me. I swear she giggled after."

"She's one month old," I say with a chuckle, "She can't already be sassy."

"Like mother, like daughter I say," Meredith calls out and I can imagine the smirk on her face.

I put my book down and take off my glasses, "Hey! What are you trying to say?"

"Oh, nothing, nothing," Meredith laughs.

Ella is the most perfect baby in the whole world… Okay, so she doesn't sleep through the night and maybe she does spit up a lot especially on faces. And I might be afraid that for the rest of my life everytime I catch a whiff of cottage cheese, I'll be taken back to the peculiar smell of a breastfed newborn's poop. Other than that, Ella is the most amazing baby ever. She looks just like me but with Mark's nose. Her hair is a light color of strawberry blonde and I swear she's the smartest one month old. She can already lift her head during 'tummy time' and everytime I smile at her, she smiles back. We play hide and seek and sometimes, I even think she's trying to talk to me. I always knew I'd become a mother… not like this. I never imagined it would be like this but, you know what, I don't care.

* * *

"Addison!" Meredith calls out from the hallway, "Come quick!"

"What?" I say rushing out into the hallway to see her standing in Ella's doorway.

I peer inside and she's pointing at Ella in her crib, "She's rolling over."

"Aww," I say walking towards her to see her laying up on her back. She reaches up for me and I smile taking her into my arms, "Hi, baby girl!"

"Hi, sweet pea," Meredith comes in and kisses her tummy as she coos.

Ella reaches for my nose and after she grabs a hold of it, I take her hand and show her her own nose. It just makes her smile. I can't believe Ella is ten weeks old. I can't believe I haven't gotten my body back yet.

* * *

We haven't been on a proper date in three months but tonight, all of that is going to change. We've got baby Ella dressed in her Yankees onesie with the little tutu and matching bib that Mark went out and got the week after we brought her mom. Tonight, Meredith and I were having a romantic dinner then taking a boat ride on the river. We haven't had 'us' time since Ella was born and we couldn't think of a better opportunity to leave her with Mark for the rest of the night. He's never actually kept her overnight before so I can't wait to hear the stories he has tomorrow. Luckily for him, Ella is sleeping through the night now.

"Okay, everything you could possibly is in her baby bag," I say handing him her bag as Meredith smiles kissing Ella before handing her over to Mark, "If you absolutely need us, we'll both have our phones on us."

"I won't need you. Ella is going to be just fine with her daddy," he says tickling her and eliciting a giggle, "Isn't that right Ella Bug?"

"Alright," I say kissing Ella before walking away.

Meredith wraps her arm around me, "Is it bad that I'm comforted by him living across the street from the hospital?"

"Not at all," I chuckle to myself.

We're walking into the restaurant shortly after and we get a booth over by the window overlooking the city. Although Seattle doesn't compare to New York at all, at night it really is beautiful. Meredith orders a drink and I just order a water since I'm still nursing. Our food is brought out to us and we dig into our plates.

I look up to Meredith a little while after and I see that she's pouting, "What's wrong, love?"

"I don't want to admit it," she chuckles softly.

I smile already knowing what she's about to say, "You miss Ella?"

"I do," she admits.

I chuckle, "I do too… but I promise to make your night so enjoyable that it'll be worth missing your daughter."

"Umm, I'm definitely going to have to hold that one to you," she smirks biting her lip.

I smirk, "You want dessert now… or later?"

"Now," she starts, "and later…"

"Mhmm."


	18. Chapter Eighteen

" _Getting to the end is supposed to be a surprise." ― Addison Montgomery_

 **Chapter 18: It All Comes Down to This**

"Are you sure she's going to be okay here?"

"It's a hospital daycare… she'll be more than okay," Meredith tries convincing me again, "and we will be right upstairs if anything were to happen."

"I guess…" I trail off.

Ella is three and a half months now; and today will be the first day that I'll be seperated from her. I'm going back to work today and although I love surgery more than anything, I part of my doesn't want to be away from Ella, not even for a second.

Luckily, during my leave, I've built up quite the number of patients who decided to wait for me to return to perform their surgeries so I have a busy day ahead of me to distract me from the most adorable face that is my child.

I'm elbow deep into a surgery when my pager goes off, "Grab that for me."

"It's a 911 from the ER."

"Call 'em."

I listen as the phone rings over the intercom and Richard's voice booms out of the speaker, "Addison?"

"Yeah, I'm here. I'm sort of in the middle of something."

"How's it going?"

"I'm about to close up. What do you need?"

"It's Callie," is all he had the chance to say before I had my residence close up and I rush out of the OR. If he's calling me, then there must be something wrong with the baby. Callie is only twenty-four weeks… the baby is barely viable and that's with me as her surgeon.

I scrub out and run downstairs to the ER. I find everyone -Mark, Miranda, Stacie, Richard, Little Grey, Alex, Meredith, Cristina, George, Izzie and a couple of unfamiliar faces- over in the trauma bay. They move Mark aside and tells him that he can't help and I can see how hard he's trying not to throw a fit.

I hear the sirens of the ambulance in the distance and panicked I turn to Richard, "What the hell happened?"

"Car versus truck," Stacie answers from my other side, "That's all we know."

"And her injuries?" I ask nervously, "What… the baby?"

"We don't know yet," someone answers from behind me. I look at him confused and he extends his hand, "Dr. Smith; trauma."

"Well," I say ignoring his introduction, "why the… why the hell don't you know? Someone get me a trauma gown."

"Dr. Montgomery," Little Grey gets my attention by handing me a gown. She ties me up as the ambulance pulls in, "Done."

"Smith, you're in charge," Richard's voice calls out over the noise.

Dr. Smith nods as everyone follows him to the ambulance, "All right, everyone. Multiple blunt trauma protocol. Let's go."

"Tachycardic and hypotensive en route; Obvious head and chest injuries," Arizona calls out as the doors open up to the ambulance.

They help her out and escort her over to the side as the bring Callie down off the ambulance. The moment her gurney touches the ground, we start working. Dr. Smith initially checking her responses, "Callie? Callie. We've got you, you hear me? Everything is gonna be okay."

"She's hemorrhaging."

"Wait," I call out as Callie starts tugging at the oxygen mask, "Hold on."

"Is that blood coming from her chest?"

"Callie," I say softly as I remove her mask and blood spills out of her mouth. She tries to speak but it's so quiet that I can't hear what she's saying, "What?"

"Calliope means…" she manages to get out before her mouth fills up with blood again, "means music."

"Oh, j… oh, honey, we're gonna fix you up just fine. Don't you worry," I tell her while really telling myself as I put the mask back on her.

I glance up once to see everyone running around her, fitting in where they can and doing whatever they can with what they have. There's nothing I can do right now until we get into a room. I look over to a traumatized Arizona with blood spilling from her forehead.

She looks up at me at the same time and it's like she can read my eyes because she speaks up, "Sh-she went through the windshield."

"Seat belt?" Richard asks, "Airbags?"

"She took it off… She lost a lot of blood, too."

"Make sure she gets lots of fluids."

"Callie, can you blink for me?" Stacie asks checking her pupils, "Extraocular movement's intact. Pupils equal and reactive."

"Set up a chest tray."

"I'm on it," Cristina responds running off.

I turn to Izzie, "Let's get the fetal monitor setup."

"I need to hold pressure," Dr. Smith announced as Izzie runs off into the hospital.

When we're all ready, Richard calls out, "Let's go! Come on!"

"Out of the way!" someone calls out at we start running into the hospital and down the hall.

I hear Arizona's voice from behind us, "It came outta nowhere. I… I asked her to marry me, and a truck came outta nowhere."

"Out of the way!" Richard's voice booms throughout the hallway and drains out the sound of Arizona's cries, "Move! Get out of the way!"

"Callie," I look my best friend in the eyes, "you stay with me. You got that? Stay with me."

"One, two, three," we get her transferred into a hospital bed.

Dr. Bailey takes control, "Get those I.V.s up and make sure her lines are patent."

"Depressed skull fracture with a probable bleed."

"I'll do a trauma ultrasound."

"Tell C.T. to get ready for her," Meredith runs to the phones after hearing the command.

"Checking reflexes."

"No obvious spinal deformities."

"Hang two bags of O neg."

"But she's A positive," Arizona interjects out of nowhere.

Mark nods in agreement, "Yeah, no, she's A positive."

"Scratch that. Type specific, A positive."

"Is there a fetal heartbeat?" Arizona asks.

I'm cut off before getting a chance to speak, "No breath sounds on the right. Set up a chest tube."

"I'm on it."

"Addison is there a fetal heartbeat?" she asks again as I try listening again.

When I don't answer right away, Mark yells, "Addison!"

"Give me a minute."

"You two need to back up," Richard says moving them towards the door.

Arizona yells over him, "I want an answer!"

"Against the wall and silent," he orders, "You hear me?"

"Left upper quadrant's looking clear. I need those drapes to prep her chest. Sterile drapes and betadine."

"Check Morrison's pouch."

"Temp's 35 degrees."

"Keep giving warm fluids so she doesn't get hypothermic."

"Should we start mannitol?"

"We'll hold off for now."

"Blood in the right upper quadrant."

"You gotta push that L.R. in faster," Richard instructs before calling out, "Bailey, where are you?"

"Uh, rapid infuser."

"Okay," he nods and turns to the rest of us, "She needs a central line."

"I'll do a subclavian," Cristina steps up, "I need a central line kit and sterile gloves."

"Come on. Come on. Come on."

"Call upstairs and tell 'em to prep an OR," Richard calls out, "and where's that blood?"

"Doppler's here."

"Okay, let's switch."

"How are we doing with the heartbeat, Addison?" I hear Richard say.

I don't get a chance to answer before someone calls out, "Systolic's down to 72."

"Get some heparin to flush the line."

"If I'm gonna find a heartbeat, I need everybody to shut up for a second!" I yell frustrated.

Richard nods, "Everyone, quiet. Right now."

It's silent for a moment until the quiet sound of a heartbeat starts to fill the room. I feel myself relax a little, "There it is. Fetal heartbeat."

"V-fib!" was yelled out as the monitors start going off around us.

Meredith yells out, "She's crashing!"

"Start bagging her. Come on."

"Get her on her back."

"Starting CPR."

"Okay, get me an intubation tray, please. Ready to intubate. Hold in-line stabilization."

"I've got cricoid pressure for you."

"Charging to 120."

"Clear."

"Still in V-fib."

"All right. Charge the paddles to 200."

"Charged to 200."

"Clear."

"Sinus tach."

"She's back. Get the ambu on."

"Let's move. Here we go. Everybody, ready?" Smith ask and nods go around the room as we head out for the OR.

Walking out the door, I hear Arizona say again, "I asked her to marry me, and a truck came outta nowhere."

Most of us rode up in the elevator with Callie while the rest of the team took the stairs. The moment we get into the OR, I give the baby steroids. In case we have to deliver, I want the baby to get as developed as possible before we have to take it from it's mother's womb.

Everyone gets scrubbed in and before you know it, there's like thirty people in here. Dr. Saroyan walks in in a hurry, "C.T. shows a large epidural and subdural. I need to get in there. Is she under?"

"We're ready for you."

"Alright, I'm going in. I need a 10-blade. Bipolar to Dr. Grey. Bovie," she instructs.

The blade barely touches Callie's skin before Little Grey screams, "Wait. Wait. Stop. Her anesthesia's too light."

"Oh, I can fix that."

"Oh, my god."

"Damn it, Knox," Richard scolds the anesthesiologist, "We're on the run here."

"People. Take a breath, everybody. I mean it," Dr. Smith instructs, "Stop what you're doing and every one of you take a breath and center yourself. There's no need to rush in there. We rush, we make a mistake, so, everybody… take a breath."

"Hey," I smile down at my best friend as she starts to go back under, "Just breathe. Callie, relax. We've got this. It's under control. Just breathe."

Once we get started and get her opened up, we learn that her outside injuries don't even compare to the ones on the inside. I have to admit that we may be a little in over our heads… I sit by the fetal monitor until I'm needed -which I hope I won't be. We want to keep the baby in as long as possible.

I hear Miranda shout from across the OR, "I need some more lap pads in here. More, please. More."

"There's your subdural. Let's zip the dura, get her decompressed."

"I've got bleeders everywhere."

"Let's get control with this liver lac -more lap pads- before she gets unstable."

"Body temp's dropped to 32 degrees. She's getting hypothermic."

"More lap pads."

"I need a retractor in here."

"Her pressure's dropping."

"If you're not needed, get out of the way."

"She can't take much more. We need to get out. She's not clotting well."

"She needs time to recuperate. If we don't pack her and get out now, she's gonna bleed to death."

"Let's, uh, get set up for a temporary abdominal closure," Dr. Smith instructs.

Meredith turns around to me with the saddest look of concern all over her face, "So-so what happens now?"

"We get her up to the I.C.U. and see if she lives for the next 24 hours," I say with a sigh, "If she makes it, we go in again."

"I want a doctor with Torres at all times," Richard calls out over me.

I find myself sitting by Callie's bedside once we got her stabilized and back down to her room. Mark is nowhere to be found and Arizona is talking to the police about the accident right now. Doctors have been in and out to relieve me but there's no place I rather be. My friend is dying. She's dying.

I cry out, "Oh, sweetie. I'm so sorry… but don't you worry. We got this. The attendings, we are all gonna meet and we are gonna come up with a plan. I promise you. We're gonna make a plan and we're gonna figure out what to do. It's gonna be alright. You're gonna be okay."

"Addie?" Meredith's voice calls out as she walks into the room with a bubbly baby Ella, "I figured you'd might want to see her."

"Ella bug," I smile as she reaches out for me and I take her into my arms. Just her giggle could brighten up the whole situation, "Hi, baby girl. Mommy has missed you today."

"I thought you could use some Ella-love."

"I really do."

"Callie is going to be okay," Meredith smiles softly up at me resting her hand on my shoulder.

As I was about to ask what would happen if she wasn't going to be okay, my pager goes off. I sigh seeing that it's from Richard, "I have to go."

"You guys are meeting now?" she asks as I hand Ella back to her.

I nod, "Yeah, coming up with the game plan…"

"I'll stay with her," she says reading my mind and I nod kissing her softly before making my way out of the room.

I make it up to the conference room at the same time another surgeon from our team. I've never seen her around the hospital before. She's tall, skinny and blonde. She turns to me with a small smile, "I realized that we haven't properly met. I'm Teddy Altman; the new cardio attending."

"Addison Montgomery; OB/GYN and neonatal," I introduce myself shaking her hand.

She smiles, "I've heard a lot about you. I believe I started working around the time you took off for maternity leave… First day back?"

"Uh, yeah," I sigh.

She sighs, "We're you two close?"

"She's my bestfriend," I admit already knowing who she's talking about.

She nods, "I'm sorry… I've seen her around the hospital a few times…"

"You two coming inside?" Dr. Smith pokes his head out of the room, "We can't start without you."

"She has got a hole in her heart. She needs bypass to fix it, and she needs it now."

"Bypass would mean a lot of heparin."

"It is a setup for a rebleed."

"The hypothermia would kill the baby," I comment every now and again. We weren't even in the room for thirty seconds before we all got into a pretty heated debate. Everyone thinks their part is more important than the other and it's sort of getting out of hand…

"Traumatic V.S.D.S. can close on their own which is why we should wait to repair the heart."

"She's not stable enough to wait," Teddy disagrees.

Dr. Saroyan speaks up quietly, "No, damage control…"

"This is Callie, okay?" I turn to yell at her, "No damage control!"

"Look," Dr. Smith starts, "yelling at each other is not…"

He doesn't even get to finish before everyone starts yelling over each other. It only goes on for a second before Richard takes control of the situation. He shuts us up and gets us thinking together as a team. When we get down to the two final options, they send me down to talk to Mark and Arizona.

After explaining the two options and giving them my opinion, I finally ask what they think about everything. Arizona is the first to speak, "So you think that she'd have a better chance if we took the baby out now, electively?"

"Well, Callie's cardiovascular status could possibly be greatly improved, but we just need to know…"

"What we want to do," Mark says cutting me off.

Arizona corrects him, "No, what Callie would want us to do."

"The baby's barely viable," he says angrily, "Why are we even talking about the baby?"

"Di-did you just say that?" Arizona asks him stunned.

He shakes his head, "No, I'm saying, we give Callie the best shot she can get."

"Alright…" Arizona explains, "but Callie wants a baby."

"Arizona…" Mark says annoyed, "Callie wants to live."

"Well, we all want her to live, but what's her life gonna be like if she wakes up and her child is gone?"

"What's her life gonna be like if she's dead?"

"Oh, god. It's not that simple."

"It is. I don't like it. It's horrible, but it is that simple. We can have another baby. We can't have another Callie."

"Oh, so you're just gonna screw my girlfriend again?"

"Oh, for god sakes. Get over it. We screwed. Big deal."

"It is Mark. It is a big deal."

I just walk away when I realize that this argument isn't going to end. Maybe I'll go find Meredith see if she wants anything to eat… but when I get up to the neurology department, I find her and Dr. Saroyan looking over Callie's scans.

I walk into the room and Stacie just looks at me sadly, "She suffered massive head trauma. I fixed all the bleeders I saw, but… She could have permanent neurological damage. She may not come back. Even if they manage to save her body, her brain may not come back."

"You did your best."

"But what if it wasn't enough?"

"Will waking her for a moment calm your nerves?" I suggest.

Before you know it, we're down in Callie's room. Arizona and Mark are watching from the hallway as we bring her out of her sedation. Meredith announces, "Paralytics are off."

"Callie," I say softly as her eyes flutter open, "Callie. I know it hurts but we're going to lower your sedation and check on your neuro function. Don't fight the intubation. This won't take long."

"Can you follow me with your eyes?" Stacie starts and Callie doesn't really respond, "With your eyes, okay?"

"Can you squeeze my hand?" Meredith tries, "What about one finger? Can you move one finger?"

"I'm gonna put her back under," Stacie gives up, "It's too soon to tell anything."

"She didn't respond?" Mark corners us the minute we walk out of the room.

Dr. Saroyan tries to explain, "She opened her eyes and, um…"

"Look, it's just too soon to tell," I intervene.

Mark looks from me back to her, "Stacie, did she follow commands? Anything else?"

"Uh…" Meredith steps in when she doesn't respond, "No, nothing else."

I get paged into an emergency C-section and when I come out, there's rumors going around that Mark and Arizona got into a nasty argument… That the words 'You're basically a sperm donor.' and 'I'm the father. You're not anything. You're nothing.' were exchanged. I've also heard that they haven't spoken since and that Arizona hasn't left Callie's bedside meanwhile Mark has been hovering off to the side.

The rumors were true. When I get down to Callie's room, Arizona is inside and Mark is hovering over at the nurses' station. I walk up behind him and he smiles at me before staring back into the room. He sighs…

"Why don't you go in there and make peace? You both love Callie," I suggest as monitors start going off in her room. Mark and I both run in with Alex on our tail, "What happened?"

"Her pressure's bottoming out," Arizona says.

I immediately check on the baby, "Belly's tight as a drum."

"Flash pulmonary edema."

"Her lungs are full of fluid."

"Abdominal compartment syndrome," I diagnose, "She's bleeding out. Alert an O.R. that we're on our way down."

By the time we get to the OR, the whole team is there waiting. We opened her up with Mark and Arizona sitting in the gallery. I'm hoping we can keep the baby in 'til full-term but it's not looking to good. I'm monitoring the baby's progress and although slow, it's developed a lot more thanks to those steroids I gave her this morning. I feel more confident about delivery than I did earlier today.

Dr. Smith pulls me out of my thoughts when he speaks, "Definitely got some new bleeding."

"Remove the abdominal packs carefully. They may be stuck," Miranda explains then holds out her hand, "Irrigation."

"I'm starting to cannulate," Teddy says looking to Cristina, "Slowly push the heparin."

"We've got blood!" Meredith calls out.

Dr. Saroyan shakes her head as they run towards the operating table, "Damn it. We gotta go back in."

"It's the heparin," Cristina calls out when she realizes the problem, "Dr. Altman, we can do the percutaneous repair. It'll work. I know it will."

"Get me more lap pads. Got a lot of bleeding down here," Miranda calls out as the fetal monitors start beeping.

I shake my head and call out, "The baby's having decels."

"This is not working," Teddy says pulling out, "Alright, Yang, let's try it. Get me a percutaneous catheter kit. Flip on the echo. I am going up through the groin."

"You can do this," Richard says when she's handed the kit, "One step at a time."

"One step at a time," she says under her breath as she starts, "Removing the needle over the guidewire. Catheter."

"Forceps," Saroyan calls out, "Suction to Dr. Grey."

"It's going in easy," Teddy announces, "Get the T.E.E. ready."

"Still got some active bleeding coming from somewhere," Smith calls out.

Miranda nods, "Well, then let's recheck the retroperitoneum."

"I've got access."

"Forceps. Give me some suction."

"Clamp and give me a tie, please."

"Brain is decompressing."

"Balloon is advanced," Teddy says and I watch as she nods to herself, "Extra-stiff guidewire, please."

"Brain bleed has been controlled," Saroyan announces and I feel a weight lift off my shoulders. They saved her brain. Now we just have to fix her body…

"Okay, the occluder's in," Teddy announces then says, "Turn on the doppler."

"Minimal residual V.S.D. flow."

"Good," she nods again, "Then we're done here. Pulling out."

"I got a lumbar vein avulsed in the vena cava," Smith calls out, "Two allis clamps."

"Idioventricular rhythm," Alex calls out as the monitors start going off.

"Damn it. She's bradying down."

"Pressure's down. 55 systolic. Push one of atropine."

"C.V.P. and pulmonary artery pressures just went up."

"It might be an air embolus. Pull back on the P.A. catheter."

"Hang more F.P. and factor VII."

"We're losing her."

"We've already replaced her entire blood volume."

"Starting cardiac massage."

"Push one of epi."

"Find whatever's bleeding and shut it down."

"How about an amp of bicarb?"

"Push 3 of epi and another atropine."

"Richard," I finally speak up after watching the baby's sats rise and fall, "you have one minute to get her heart back or I'm taking the baby out."

"Come on. Come on," I hear someone say as I watch the clock.

When the minute is up, I push everyone out my way so I can deliver the baby. The delivery is easy, especially with my favorite resident assisting. Izzie passes off the baby to our peds resident, Dr. Singer, and comes back to help me close any bleeders; and more importantly, to make sure Callie is able to have kids again one day if she wanted to.

"Is she breathing?" I hear Dr. Singer call from over my shoulder.

I nod, "Her color's bad. Stimulate and suction and get some access."

"I'm not getting a heartbeat. Uh, Dr. Montgomery I could use a hand," she calls out.

I look up to Izzie, "Go."

"Get those monitors on. Ventilate."

"Apgar still zero."

"Come on, baby," I hear Izzie say right before Callie's heartbeat fills the room.

Richard lets out a breath, "There it is. Torres is coming back."

"Systolic's 70 and rising."

"Getting no chest rise with the bagging," I can hear them in the background, "We should intubate."

"Okay, do it," Izzie instructs her.

Dr. Singer calls out, "Tube's in. Starting ventilation."

"Move," I hear Arizona's voice say. I look up to the gallery to see that she nor Mark are up there, "Continue compressions. Suction through the tube."

"Got it!" Smith shouts, "The bleeding's controlled."

"I.C.P. is stable for now."

"Push 9 cc's of L.R., point 0.5 cc's of epi, and 0.5 of bicarb," Arizona's voice calls out from behind me.

I glance behind me slightly to see her and Mark standing over the baby, "I need another 2.0 vicryl. I'm almost done."

"I have a heartbeat," Arizona cries and I can feel my eyes watering up.

Richard smiles, "Mom's heart is strong."

We close up and get Callie back down to ICU. Mark, Arizona, Stacie, Meredith and I are all standing outside her room. Stacie speaks up first, "We've done everything we can. Now we just have to wait for her to wake up."

"And the fact that she barely responded when you weaned her off the paralytics before?" Mark asks.

She shrugs, "Could mean she wasn't ready to wake up…"

"Or?"

"Or it could mean her brain has been compromised, and she's not going to wake up," she says sadly walking away.

Mark scratches at the back of his head- that means he has something to say that may be hard for him- and turns to Arizona, "You're not nothing… We have a kid together. You're a mom. I'm a dad… I'm sorry."

"She's gonna wake up. She has to wake up," Arizona says to him before walking into Callie's room.

Mark turns to me with sad eyes, "I'm, uh, I'm going to go up to the NICU…"

"I promise to page as soon as we know anything," I say before he even gets the chance to ask.

He walks away and Meredith holds onto me from behind, "Did you… wanna stay here tonight?"

"No," I say softly although I really want to say 'yes'. I have to think about the baby. I sigh, "It wouldn't be fair to Ella."

"Okay," she nods onto my shoulder, "I'll go get her from daycare and uh, meet you in your office?"

"Yeah, that's fine," I say softly and she kisses me lovingly on the lips before walking away.

I turn my attention back to Callie's room. Standing so close to the door, I can hear every word Arizona has to say to her, "She's-she's really small… but she's strong. She's 1 pound, 1 ounce of… strong; fighting against all the… complications. She's got beautiful black hair, Calliope, beautiful hair. She's-she's beautiful. She can't open her eyes yet, but I can tell… she's looking for you. Okay? She's asking for you."

 _You have to wake up, Callie. You have to._

I tear drops unto my lab coat and I didn't even realize I had started crying. By the time, Meredith came back upstairs with Ella, I was still standing outside of Callie's room. Little Ella reaches for me with that huge smile of hers and that giggle that melts my heart.

I link my hand into Meredith's and I whisper, "Let's go home."

"Oh, oh, my god," Arizona screams from inside Callie's room and my heart drops down into my stomach, "Oh, my god! Callie! Callie!"

"Wh-" I run into the room, with Meredith at my heels, almost shouting before I see Callie's eyes are open.

Callie tries to speak, "Y-yes."

"What?" Arizona asks with eyes full of tears, "What?"

"Yes. I'll marry you," she cries, "Yes. Yes."


	19. Chapter Nineteen

_"And then suddenly, here is this woman and she becomes so familiar to you that one day you find yourself looking at her thinking I could love this person for the rest of my life." ― Addison Montgomery_

 **Chapter 19: And Then She Said "I do"**

 _Sometime in the near future…_

"Okay. I want to say something wise. I want to have some wisdom. I mean, I've been here before. I've done this already. The first time you get married―I mean, I had this very large fairytale wedding; you know, with the music and the flowers and the dress. I was young and marrying the guy that everyone said was the perfect man. And maybe he was. Maybe Derek was perfect. Maybe he just wasn't perfect for me. I was really mad at him for messing up my fairytale… and for taking my twenty's and making me feel like a failure. It took me a really long time to get over that and I made a lot of mistakes trying to get over that. But then slowly, over time, everything changes…" I trail off looking into the camera.

 _Nine weeks before…_

"Addison," Callie yells at me as I pace around the room.

I shake my head, "I can't do it. I can't."

"People are waiting," Izzie tries, "Meredith is waiting."

"I just said that I can't do it," I snap, "not like this."

"Okay," she gives up.

I nod, "Alright."

"Hey! Addison, Addison, stop pacing, okay?" Callie tries again stopping me in my tracks, "Look at me. Deep breaths. You can do this. You wanna do this. You love Meredith and you are ready."

"And the preacher guy is gonna leave because we only paid him for two hours," Arizona adds.

I hear the door open behind me and Callie squeal, "Savvy!"

"Problem solved!" she says coming through the door. I turn around to see her leading Naomi through the door.

Izzie sighs, "Oh, thank God!"

"I'm here. I'm so sorry. Sorry. I'm so sorry," she say walking into the room tripping over people and suitcases, "The plane was late and was circling for some ridiculous reason. And I was freaking out. I was―I was trying to―Aw!―I was trying to call you on my―"

"Nai!" I cut her off with a long hug.

Naomi continues to explain herself, "Cell phone, and I thought the stewardess was gonna freak out. I thought the Air Marshall was gonna take me down. It was a mess, but I'm here. I'm here. Oh, you look beautiful."

"Oh, thanks," I smile giving her a little twirl.

She grabs her dress and goes to change while I touch up my make-up a little. When she comes back out she smiles, "Let's get you married."

"Okay," I smile widely.

Everyone's here. My best friends, my mentee, who I cannot lie, I love to death… everyone's here. This day will be perfect. It's an outdoor wedding because who doesn't love that and of course, it's small with just our closest friends and the ones we call family. It couldn't be more perfect.

We round the corner coming out of my dressing room and I'm stopped short by little Ella running up to me, "Mommy! Mommy! Time?"

"Yes, little bug, it's time," I say swooping her up into my arms.

Mark rounds the corner after her with Sofia on his hip, "Sorry, the little squirt got away from me. It's hard keeping up with the two of them." He pauses sizing me up , "Wow! You look, um, stunning."

"Thank you, Mark."

"Daddy!" she reaches out for him and takes her into his other arm.

He whispers loudly, "Come on, squirt, let's get you down this aisle before your moms have my neck."

"Mark!" I scorn him, Ella and Sofia just giggle before they disappear down the hall.

The rest of the girls follow and tell me to wait here until someone comes back for me. That someone is my father and I can't help but grin.

"Captain?" I ask confused.

He smiles, "You'd really think I'd miss the opportunity to give my daughter away to an amazing young woman?"

"But," I pause, "how?"

"Meredith called us."

"Us?"

"Your mother and I," he explains, "She told us everything. Don't be mad at her. She's a wonderful girl… and I've had the chance to meet little Ella."

"Captain, I…"

"No… it's okay. Your mother and I have some explaining to do ourselves… I just wish you would've come to us, kitten. You know you're still my little girl."

"Captain," I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes.

He shakes his head, "Oh, none of that. You know Bizzy would have a field day with that one. Plus, I've got to get you down that aisle in one piece. Are you ready?"

"Am I? I've been waiting for this day for a long time."

"Then let's get going."

He wraps his arm around mine and leads me down the hall and to a closed door where an usher is standing. He nods to, I guess, whoever is on the other side of his bluetooth, smiles at me and opens up the door.

Everyone's here. Archer, Bizzy… even Susan; the chief… what looks like most of the hospital staff. Meredith's father and his family… Little Grey. The best sight of it all is my family standing at the end of the aisle… Little Ella and Sofia, our flower girls, being held by their father and then Meredith… my beautiful, amazing Meredith. My love for her has grown nothing but stronger. She is my rock and I swear if it wasn't for her… None of this could have happened.

My father gives me away and the ceremony begins. We light a candle for Meredith's mother and the officiate begins talking. I'm just staring into Meredith's eyes. Before I know it, he's telling us that it's time to exchange rings…

"I, Meredith Grey, take you Addison,"

"To be my wife."

"For better or for worse,"

"For richer or for poorer"

"In sickness and in health;"

"To love, honor, and cherish"

"For as long as we both shall live."

"I do."

"I do."

"By the power vested in me, by the State of Washington, I now pronounce you wife and wife. You may kiss the brides."

This is probably the best day of my life. We kiss and I swear, this kiss is like none of the others we had before. This kiss made everything real. Everyone's standing up watching us descend down the aisle and I whisper into Meredith's ear, "I hope you know that you're never getting rid of me."

"I would never want to."

We take pictures with the wedding party then head to the reception. After our first dance, came the father-daughter dance and although, I enjoyed dancing with the Captain, my favorite part was watching Mark twirl around with Sofia and Ella. I never imagined Mark as a father but he's actually pretty amazing at it.

Finally having the chance to sit down, I look up at our beautiful little girl dancing with Sofia. I can't believe she's almost two now. I can't believe so much time has passed. I turn to Meredith who's sitting beside and I can't help but smile. I whisper, "I want another."

"Me too," she smiles back over at me.

Two weeks later, freshly relaxed from the Maldives, we're back at work. I'm up in my office when Meredith knocks on my door. She has that look on her face like she has something on her mind.

I take off my glasses looking up to her, "What's up?"

"So, you know Arizona and Alex's Africa project?"

"Yeah, I heard. It's amazing. They asked for me to work with them. I'm reviewing all the charts as we speak," I explain but she just looks at me and I smile, "There's more."

"There's this little girl that I want you to meet."

"Right now?"

"Please," she gives me those big begging eyes that I can't resist.

I follow her down the flight of stairs to the Peds wing and as we turn the corner into her room, Zola is crying but Meredith is already smiling at her, "This is Zola. She's 6 months old, born with spina bifida…"

"Makena?" I ask the woman in the room. Having already read Zola's file, I know that Makena is the head of the orphanage and the lady who is taking care of Zola and most of the other kids. I introduce myself, "Hi, I'm Dr. Montgomery Grey. Of course, you know Dr. Grey. We're here to take a look at Zola today. Uh," I pause because I really don't know why Meredith brought me down here, "sometimes babies with spina bifida can develop Chiari malformation. It causes fluid build-up in the brain. It could be pretty uncomfortable, but sometimes, if you adjust the patient's head position…" I pick her up adjusting her head and she stops crying as she looks up to me, "It helps relieve the pressure. Let me see this. Let me see this face." I check her eyes with a retinoscope and when I'm finished, she reaches for it. I let her play with it.

The woman looks at me in some sort of wonder, "We've had her at the orphanage since she was 2 months old. This is the first time she's stopped crying since I can remember."

"Oh," her words make my heart melt just a little then I clear my throat as I lay her back down, "Let's just run an M.R.I. and check to see if she has a Chiari malformation or hydrocephalus. If it's positive, we're gonna have to do a shunt, drain the fluid. It's gonna postpone the spinal surgery, but I think it's gonna be worth it."

"I think she likes you."

"She can keep the scope," I smile as we make our way out of the room. I know now why Meredith brought me down here.

We don't speak until we get back up to my office and we both sit down on my couch. I look over at my wife, "I was holding her, and she was crying and then she stopped and I've held a lot of babies, I've fixed a lot of babies but, I looked down at Zola, and I don't know what it was, but…"

"You couldn't imagine her being with any other family?"

"We've been talking about expanding our family…" I trail off.

Meredith speaks up, "And she needs one."

"Let's adopt her," I say after a pause.

A smile creeps onto Meredith's face, "You serious?"

"I'm serious, let's adopt her."

"I love you," she says hugging me, "I love you so much."

"I love you more," I smile back up at her.

She shakes her head, "Well, I love you most."

 _Seven weeks later…_

We sit watching as Ella and Sofia walk down the aisle throwing flowers. I tickle baby Zola, who's in Meredith's arms, and she laughs. She's done with all her surgeries and healed so fast that they let us take her home. Although she isn't officially ours yet but they're letting us keep her until everything is officiated. I think everything is going to work out though. Makena said this is the happiest that she's ever seen the little girl. I'm so glad we did this.

Once Ella and Sofia get to the end of the aisle, Meredith and I link hands as we stand with the rest of the audience. We watch as Arizona walks out with her father, the Colonel, and they make their way down the aisle. Next is Callie and her father, Carlos. They're both so beautiful and I think I see tears well up in Arizona's eyes. It just makes me smile.

"We are here today to participate in a marital union… to celebrate, love and happiness and loyalty and, well, in my opinion, a little bit of magic. Acting in conformity to the laws and regulations of the state of Washington to bring together two exceptional and beautiful human beings. Since it is your intention to enter into marriage, join hands and repeat after me. I, Arizona Robbins…"

"I, Arizona Robbins,"

"take you, Calliope Torres,"

"take you, Calliope Torres,"

" to be my wife…"

" to be my wife…"

"For better or for worse,"

"For better or for worse,"

"in good times and bad…"

"in good times and bad…"

"I choose you to be the one with whom I spend my life."

"I choose you to be the one with whom I spend my life."

 _..._

"And slowly, over time, everything changes. You're not some young thing anymore, you no longer believe in fairy tales, and 'perfect' isn't in your vocabulary. And suddenly, here's this woman, and she becomes so familiar to you that one day you find yourself looking at her, thinking, I could love this person for the rest of my life if I tried, and I wanna try," I pause staring into the camera later at the reception, "So you decide to get married. I have a few words of advice for you, treat your wife like your best friend first and always remember the way you felt on this day; your wedding day. I love you, Callie. Congratulations."

* * *

 **Sadly, this story has come to an end. If you'd guys like, well I know I'd love to write it, is an epilogue. Maybe a little time jump a few years into the future? That way you can really see what has come of our favorite couple. Let me know what you guys think. If you like how it ended leave a review, if you'd like to see more leave more reviews. I kind of would like to write a sequel to this story set maybe like 10 years into it. I don't know but do let me know what you'd guys like to see in the future.**

 **With much love,**

 **Kae Firenze**


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